A Dissent on Starbucks
Mason, Jackie
A Dissent on Starbucks by Jackie Mason Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay 10 times as much for because there are French words all...
...You say, "It's the bottom of the pot...
...It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it...
...Instead, they have these high stools...
...You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98...
...The bean is in your head...
...Am I exaggerating...
...If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop...
...The butter's here...
...For each French word, another four dollars...
...They clean up the place for an hour and a half...
...Jackie Mason is currently starring in "Love Thy Neighbor," a one-man Broadway show...
...Cream cheese, another 60 cents...
...Now you have to start cleaning up the place...
...It's over there...
...Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon...
...I'll take the cookie...
...And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me...
...they'll give you all the cinnamon you want...
...And you can't put butter on it because they want extra...
...A knife to put it on, 32 cents...
...And it's still 60 cents...
...And so poor people could save money on a tip...
...That bagel costs you $312...
...Because it's called "coffee...
...Two refills, $4.50...
...Where's the cream cheese...
...Instead of 60 cents for coffee, I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50...
...It's a blend...
...They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup...
...You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two...
...You got less, so you paid less...
...Cremi?r: $4.50...
...Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks...
...And there's no chairs in those Starbucks...
...Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished...
...The cream cheese is there...
...If it's Caf...
...At Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50...
...I don't drink from the bottom of the pot...
...they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face...
...You ever see these stools...
...You can tear down a building with that cookie...
...And the whole cookie is 60 cents...
...You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents...
...Wait, I'll clean this up...
...Where's the butter...
...Sugar...
...Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop...
...By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much...
...Do you remember what a cafeteria was...
...And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people...
...Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop...
...Three refills, $19.50...
...You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him, money...
...Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no waiter, no busboy, and you'll clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished...
...If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business...
...It's a special bean from Argentina...
...A whole new type...
...Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, Nazi bastard son-of-a-bitches...
...So because of that you paid less for the coffee...
...A refill is a dollar fifty...
...Sugar is here...
...Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50...
...You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead...
...Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks...
...Then they can't get off the chair...
...They tell you where it is...
...Now you become your own waiter...
...But at Starbucks, Caf...
...So, for four cups of coffee-$340...
...Cream cheese...
...Go into any coffee shop...
...They don't give you a waiter or a busboy Now you've become the janitor...
...Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks...
...No, you would put me right into a sanitarium...
...Suz?e: $9.50...
...Latt?-$4.50...
...And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more...
...A Dissent on Starbucks by Jackie Mason Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay 10 times as much for because there are French words all over the place...
...Latt?: $3.50...
...Oh, he's got dirt, too...
...Over here...
...Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard...
...Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either...
...And it's burnt coffee...
...It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon-60 cents, that's it...
...Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this...
...Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks...
...If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents...
...You walk around with a tray...
...It's all the same as Starbucks-no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee-except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs...
...You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips...
...But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend...
...They don't give it to you...
...I'll open a whole new type of a coffee shop...
...Over there, it's Cinnamonni?r-$9.50...
...But not in Starbucks...
...Seventy-three-year-old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair...
...We can open a chain of these all over the world...
...You want cinnamon in your coffee...
...You know why...
...Oh, you want butter...
...And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese...
...Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want...
...In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service...
Vol. 1 • May 1996 • No. 36
