Parody
Parody POLICY & POLITICS Dolemania Grips Nation's Teens RIVER GROVE, III. - It's the night of the big show, and outside the arena a group of teenage girls hop up and down in the cold, awaiting...
...But girls today are looking for a guy like Bob Dole...
...Kids from one primary state to another can't seem to get enough...
...Good to see you," Dole says...
...And with a deafening squeal the girls run to their seats...
...Hey there...
...Meetings have been known to last for days, while members debate the fine points of Robert's Rules of Order...
...Some of the girls are in tears, others merely mute...
...Do you think he'll sign my copy - for me...
...Finally Tiffany leads her friends to the main entrance, past the waiting ambulances poised for the rally's inevitable climax...
...The hot new look for high school boys: gym shorts with midcalf black dress socks and wingtips - a look perfected by Dole himself, during the famous photo-op on his treadmill last year...
...Her friend Tiffany, 14, nods...
...But it's no ordinary teen idol that these girls - all natives of this Chicago suburb - are pining for...
...He says it's only 28 words long...
...Glad you could come...
...Meet Bob Dole, newest heartthrob to the nation's pre-pubescent set...
...Bob Dole fan clubs are sprouting up coast to coast, with memberships estimated in the thousands...
...Pam says, popping her bubble gum...
...In her hands she twists a smudged copy of the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution...
...I've heard him read it a hundred times," Tiffany says...
...But when he gets to the part about reserving power to the States respectively, I just, like...
...Dole carefully signs them all, charming his young fans with small talk...
...The video of Dole's 1976 vice-presidential debate with Walter Mondale - "Democrat Wars, Republican Casualties" - just bumped "Clueless" from the top of Blockbuster's bestseller list...
...Who else could have stopped the Foster nomination when Daschle tried to table the motion to recommit...
...He doesn't play the saxophone...
...Tonight's a special night," Tiffany says...
...Sure, he's not a rock star," says Tiffany...
...Good to see you...
...As Dole steps from his limo he is swarmed by teens waving their copies of the Tenth Amendment for his autograph...
...Tiffany seconds the motion: "And Daschle is just yucky...
...Glad you could come...
...Those glasses...
...Not Brad Pitt, that's for sure...
...You just look at him and go: He's been tested and tested and tested...
...I can feel his energy...
...This month's cover story: "My Uncensored All-night Mark-up on the Ag Bill with Sen...
...The signs are all around: • Copies of Dolebeat magazine are flying off the racks, store owners report...
...Eeewwww...
...He's getting closer," says Pam, 13...
...Lookin' good...
...Arriving at River Grove arena this blustery night, the candidate takes the adulation in stride...
...It's the night of the big show, and outside the arena a group of teenage girls hop up and down in the cold, awaiting their idol...
...Her voice trails off...
...Almost every member of the Republican state legislative leadership conference is going to endorse the senator - it just, like, demonstrates the viability of the whole block-grant concept...
...Shades of Bobby Sherman, young Sinatra, and David Cassidy...
...At last, with a thumbs-up, the candidate disappears through a side door to prepare for the night's rally...
Vol. 1 • April 1996 • No. 28
