To Boldly Go Where No Conservative Has Gone Before
LABASH, MATT
To Boldly Go Where No Conservative Has Gone Before By Matt Labash It takes a beating nearly every day, this "Washington culture" of ours. Mostly, it is thrashed by aspiring practitioners, like...
...1, Star Trek: The Next Generation), watchin' videos, that sort of thing...
...A ratings flop in its network run from 1966-1968, Star Trek has spawned something unique: a mass-market cult...
...Though many of the terms are now standardized politicalese, CPACer good words are: Revolution, Devolution, The Cause, The Fourth Great Awakening, The Eleventh Commandment, and Con-Cons (or those favoring a constitutional convention for a balanced-budget amendment...
...There were young children in prosthetic foreheads to simulate their inclusion in the hostile Klingon Empire, complete with bad skin and funky receding hairlines...
...It's hard to imagine anyone as deep-fried as CPAC-ers, many paying thousands of dollars and travelling hundreds of miles to sit through panel discussions such as "Restoring American Citizenship," "Whither Whitewater...
...Where does a 57-year-old man go...
...No," Grant said defiantly...
...It really looks bad...
...Unlike the Trekkie subculture, which is all about withdrawal from the world, CPACers are interested in expanding theirs beyond the hotel lobby...
...It's infinitely preferable to, say, listening to Larry Horist from the Illinois Public Policy Caucuses talk about "Communicating with the Grassroots...
...Third, and most widely worn, is the Aqua Net Hair Helmet, variously modeled by Ralph Reed, Trent Lott, and a large swath of the Texas delegation...
...Maybe not to the untrained eye...
...Mostly, it is thrashed by aspiring practitioners, like Steve Forbes...
...They stand at attention, screaming for the Forbes gold standard like their uvulas are going to burst, banging their mitts together till their hands turn crimson from their class rings...
...Note the word "ship...
...It seems a lot of Trekkies are also interested "in the commands and engineering aspects of the ships, how the physics, per se, of runnin' a ship relates to what we're doin' now...
...Vendors like Smilin' Dave are a feature of both subcultures-they peddle the artifacts and paraphernalia that are vital to both the "movement" and the world of Trek...
...Said one former conference organizer: "Good, you'll be doing all normal people who attend a valuable service...
...Democrats don't have the 'nads to be Klingons...
...We were staking out the back, and his little aides or whatever said he had to go," said one flushed co-ed from Liberty University...
...In the wider world, CPACers dress to profess individuality-their elephant ties mark them on campus or in carpools...
...In that spirit, we attempted to boldly cover CPAC as no one has ever covered it before, by attending both a CPAC and a Star Trek convention for a straight-up comparison...
...Most just sported their all-season patio wear, with only about half wearing Star Trek T-shirts and maybe one tenth in actual gear...
...There are also a lot of goofs...
...And that's not all they have...
...But there was a disproportionate number of Trekkies at CPAC...
...At least Forbes went out like a man, through the lobby...
...3, Star Trek Voyager) so he and crew can replicate flight right there in his mother's living room...
...There, ruling-class elites mixed it up with hoi-polloi activists and various rubberneckers who lend the scene a certain grit...
...There are young men with prominent Adam's apples basking in the glow of Sen...
...Of course, since none of the Star Trek ships has ever actually achieved space travel, Tony has a color-penciled cardboard console based on the ship Voyager (that's the craft in spinoff No...
...I love Arlen Specter-because I love the way he worked his Judiciary Committee during the Anita Hill hearings...
...One guy I knew was 45 years old and he celebrated when his parents died because he could move his collection upstairs...
...His gripe...
...Their prized possession: the Next Gen crew action figures...
...And many of the old gut-fighters are now enjoying the fruits of their success...
...Fred Thompson's perpetual tan or trying to touch the hem of Jeane Kirkpatrick's garment...
...This was a fate suffered by many of their non-costumed elders, who looked very much the same, no doubt from excess pot-smoking and lack of sunlight...
...Bad words include: Rockefeller Republican, the even worse McGovern Republican, the downright libelous Neoconservative, the Potentates of Pork (favored by Ollie North in rousing speeches or in radio shows he broadcasts from the exhibition hall), and the Imperial Congress (archaic since the '94 election, even in term-limit debates...
...The worst thing is its inclusiveness...
...Take CPAC, the three-day highlight of the conservative calendar, which recently held its 23rd annual conference in Washington...
...and "Agenda '97: Holding Government Accountable...
...We collect 'em," says Tony...
...No factions are excluded (save dread Rockefeller Repubs and neocons...
...Trekkies have their own vernacular as well, one with some amazing pseudo-scholarship behind it...
...They're all over the place, these guys, hitting even true believers like me with hot blasts of earnestness that can open the pores on the back of your neck...
...Most came from no farther than 70 miles away, despite the fact that this was the show's 30th anniversary and that the featured speaker was the captain himself, James T. Kirk (William Shatner...
...The ardent cultist Trekkies I met in Greenville, South Carolina, the next weekend weren't nearly as well travelled as the CPACers...
...Since the uniform is widely adhered to, the haircuts are the giveaway, with three primary types...
...As one who sat through many of the panels, I can affirm that this is nothing to sniggle about...
...We've become a land of refined fanaticism," Sides wrote...
...one told me...
...He got there a second before speaking and left immediately after...
...Plus, manned space flight tends to be a Republican trait...
...and Oklahoma-bombing conspiracy theories...
...You're grown men," I pointed out...
...Yeah," agreed the other...
...There were grown men in New Balance running shoes and flood-panted Next Generation jumpsuits, skintight around the Goober water pouches developing beneath their mid-20s beer paunches...
...But amongst the brethren, it is all about conformity-and the whole place becomes a poly-blend mass, with nuanced types emerging only upon closer inspection...
...Then there are the Tenth Amendment absolutists (usually their own best arguments against devolution), like Gordon Lee Baum of the Council of Conservative Citizens, a St...
...He never looked at me but sat there sipping gratis icewater, taking scrupulous notes on a Media Research Center luncheon leaflet ("If you believe the Liberal Media-Don't Come," it read) during the "Truth about Ruby Ridge" panel as if he were going to be tested...
...I'm excited about listening to Kemp speak about the flat tax," said an Ohio College Republican...
...They shout "I love you, Ollie...
...One was Grant Greffey, a systems engineer for Lockheed Martin, who attends both conventions...
...Unlike the CPACers who at the very least had "Go Pat Go" buttons or GOP braces, very few Trekkies came in uniform...
...I asked, resigned to not going anywhere...
...Tony didn't lay any Klingon on me but did share: "We're locating crew members interested in discussing Next Gen (that's spinoff series No...
...Trolling high and low society across the country, he met up with muscle-car enthusiasts, the Hair Boys, and Pump House gangs, who developed their own leisure classes or "statuspheres," enabling them to unplug from traditional institutions (family, religion) and create tailor-made universes where the new rules were their own...
...A little bit of both," Tony says...
...Of course, there is the additional puppy treat of meeting the rock stars of the conservative movement, like Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform, Floyd Brown of Citizens United, and Howard Phillips of the Conservative Caucus...
...Just as at CPAC, where attendees are cogs not in the party, but in the "movement...
...There's the Bircher table selling the latest in U.N...
...However extreme the Trekkies are in their obsession with a fictional future, they're not much more so than many of the fringe organizations relegated to the kook corners of the CPAC exhibit hall...
...Cross-eyed Tony was the leader, commander to Terry's captain...
...No, but I like Star Wars, i.e., the anti-ballistic missile system," he said, flashing his malocclusive grin...
...Their uniform is your basic College Republican rig: white oxford button-down, blue blazer, rep tie, and go-to-hell khakis, often worn with Blackwellian no-nos like Timberland boots...
...Let's save the handshaking for later," Shatner said...
...Schreiber walked the halls unmolested, although he could become the first person to hold the Peruvian and U.S...
...Trekkies can gather weekly at one or another convention somewhere in North America-according to one estimate, Star Trek generates a billion dollars a year in income for the convention industry-where they can sit catatonically enraptured through endless blooper reels and perform in sound-alike contests...
...My stepdad came in the other day and caught me playin' with my stuff, and he said somethin'," Tony admits...
...It is the same in the political class-not just those who are members by vocation, but those who are so consumed by all things political that they might as well be...
...In short, Trekkies are to average television fans what Iranian Shiites are to average Muslims-or what CPAC attendees are to average Republicans...
...Dolphin Schreiber, who had a gold tooth, a USA hat, dirty fingernails, and jheri-curl locks, told me: "I am a candidate for president under the United States Century World Political First party...
...On what...
...But as in any burgeoning subculture, dress is a primary characteristic...
...The males are a little more complicated...
...Anywhere I go in the country, they'll give me a meal...
...Trekkies in uniform are never part of a "fan club" or "support group," but a ship...
...Klingons are a fierce warrior people, pro-military guys...
...When I asked two of them if they were concerned about missing that day's action in the South Carolina primary, one replied, "To be honest with you, I couldn't give a rat's ass...
...I sat with a Buchanan supporter in a ruffled tourister shirt and baseball hat, wearing sneakers purchased at Piggly Wiggly's and eating Toblerone...
...During Q&A, a young lass said, "I would like to shake your hand and ask you a question...
...Someone once said-no one knows who it was- that covering a CPAC crowd is the closest thing you'll find in the political game to a Star Trek convention...
...Such was the case with William Shatner, who identifies himself as "your captain" but is notoriously bad about actually meeting his crew...
...Or you could meet Officer Larry Powell over a cash bar at his legal defense fund-raiser (he was Rodney King's chief tormentor during the beating, although I met him and he's a real pussycat without a nightstick...
...I love to go to CPAC," one panelist told me...
...And we play with 'em," adds Terry, somewhat sheepishly...
...Oh yeah, looks good...
...They carry around programs signed by Rep...
...as North takes the stage...
...Also, many of the more aggressive populists have what Paul Fussell calls "Prole jacket-gape"-the 1 to 2 inch spread between jacket collar and shirt collar that results from trying to sheath ill-fitting synthetics over Cro-Magnon frames...
...Not only does the culture of Washington bear more than passing resemblance to that of America, it is America in miniature, in that it is the sum of its subcultures...
...They've got the seven movies, 120 Next Gen videos, 30 more of the originals, at least eight or nine games...
...I get up, I do my panel, I fix my eyes on the exit, and get there in a hurry...
...They have everything- except girls...
...CPACers have their elephant brooches, their "Feed the Homeless to the Hungry" bumper stickers, their "Wee-Publican" bibs and Gordon Liddy boardgame, "Hardball Politics '96," with 54 Dirty Tricks cards...
...bracelets made of neon, many CPACers prefer clunky black digital/calculator watches, presumably ensuring promptness for the "Government Is Not God" Tex-Mex buffet...
...What do your parents say...
...Otherwise, he was generous with a compliment or a constructive criticism, as with one interrogator who popped up in a uniform shirt...
...Which is not to paint CPAC with a broad brush...
...On the USS Leviathan NCC-1095," said Tony...
...We almost got close enough to touch him, but he said, 'I have a plane to catch,' and walked off...
...Even an Arlen Specter speech at CPAC draws 6 laughs and 14 applause lines...
...But Catherine Dawson, who was manning a vending station in Washington's Omni Shoreham Hotel, cautioned me: "I've been to Star Trek conventions," she said...
...He's quite the magnanimous guy onstage, bragging about birthing horses, about 120-degree shoots in Bakers-field, about his bow-hunting prowess...
...Not true, Steve-o...
...So Steve, do you like Star Trek...
...I'm afraid if this was a plumber's convention, I'd still be more interested...
...Then in a strict political deconstruction, would the Democrats be Klingons...
...But the ones who dressed really dressed...
...This, as can be imagined, caused great titters and an imposing mob, which pushed me right into Forbes's pinstriped chest, where we were locked, breastplate to breastplate...
...Stick out the chest...
...and "Revenge is a dish which is best served cold...
...There are very few ensigns at Star Trek conventions, since ranks are sold by vendors, and you can pretty much buy your way to the top-"just like Steve Forbes," as one captain put it...
...There were young honeys with thick foundations being held at bay by well-mannered uniformed Citadel volunteers...
...We just moved our ship down from Franklin...
...First, there is the Bill Weld Shag, preferred by establishment elites that have prepped on the Eastern seaboard and feel it is crucial to maintain their thick coats through beer-drinking season...
...Didn't want any dust-ups with pot-bellied, brylcreemed versions of himself...
...No one has more effectively documented modern subcultures than Tom Wolfe in the 60s...
...Kemp, like many others, is in no hurry to stick around...
...Louis personal-injury lawyer chainsmoking offbrand cigarettes and chewing my ear beneath a sprawling display of the Stars'n'Bars...
...Language, of course, is the essential cryptography subcultures use to further cordon themselves off from dominant culture or to serve as a kind of verbal secret handshake for those who find themselves immersed in the dominant culture...
...They are pushed back from the speaker's holding pen so as not to put a crease in Kemp's suit...
...Shatner said, leaning into the microphone "But I got a piece of advice-suck in the gut...
...Of course, a lot of 'em live in their mommas' basements...
...But I said, 'I'll tell you what: I'll sell all my Star Trek stuff and go out and spend it on dope and come home stoned.' He said, 'Keep it.'" Scoff if you must, it may sound a bit nutty-but no nuttier than sister subculture CPAC...
...A lot of Star Trek people have an idealistic sense of the universe, which I do, and I believe in a future," he said...
...Of course, one can hardly blame Shatner for being a bit skittish...
...International job flight: "I know a guy, laid off, McDonnell Douglas, master's degree-he's workin' as a condo janitor in a colored neighborhood-and glad to get it...
...McCoy) Kelly's autograph, very rare because of his arthritis...
...We choose our flavor of lifestyle and go deep in...
...presidencies concurrently...
...America is nothing if not its Elks Lodgers and Barbecue Pitsters, its Holy Rollers and Tupperware Ladies, exploring every glorious nook and crevice...
...Bob Barr and Joe Sobran as if they were trophies...
...At a Star Trek convention, no doubt...
...Both Hardees cashiers in their 20s who say their only interests are "Star Trek and pro wrestling...
...First the ladies: There is a strong blue-hair contingent, as well as some surprisingly attractive talent for an event with the same stud quotient as a chess tournament-although they often look like rhinestone beauty queens, oversprayed and sporting George Hamil-tans and clingy skirts usually done in some Stars'n'Stripes motif as a curvaceous display of patriotic bona fides...
...On any given weekend, workadaddies and hausfraus sporting acetate Vulcan ears spend half their paychecks cleaning out stacked-to-the-rafters merchandise...
...His anecdotes are orotund, meandering, and pointless (perfect for a CPAC panel), and they always wind up plugging one of his multimedia ventures...
...The best thing about the conservative summit is its inclusiveness...
...While interviewing subjects, I made no bones about the analogy I was exploring...
...The real meat'n'potatoes guys are there too, like Jim Martin of "60 Plus...
...Of course, he didn't shake hands, rarely does...
...Most of the prominent speakers follow suit-except for Steve Forbes, who elected to meet his public...
...He arrives just before he's to speak, always under tight security...
...I asked...
...As we did a slow, sweaty tango, unable to shake each other in a hallway that let him pass about as fast as a kidney stone, I was the envy of all the young coeds who dreamed of the flat tax delivering 4.5 percent 30-year fixed-rate mortgages...
...I asked...
...The culture of Washington is not the culture of America," Forbes intoned at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference (known as CPAC...
...All factions are represented...
...I'm his first officer," Terry said...
...His toupee is intact, he's got the relaxed unbuttoned shirt layered over another shirt...
...It's like what Smilin' Dave, a longtime Star Trek vendor, said: "The nicest people I know are at these shows...
...It seems a common trait in both CPAC and Star Trek subcultures is the behind-the-scenes disdain many leaders have for the rank and file...
...There are also phonetic translations for "Surrender or die...
...Sample: qaStaHvlS wa' ram loS SaD Hugh SljlaH QaQqu' nay' means "Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man...
...Sure, at both conferences you get a lot of people that think they are a Klingon or they are Buchanan-but it's not like CPACers are going around wearing uniforms or anything...
...Trench warfare isn't for weak sisters and is often won on sheer determination rather than style...
...Shoot, I wish...
...Also popular is the Chia Pet look-buzzcuts for ROTC types or (and you don't meet as many of these now as at CPACs of old) those who prefer to bypass our armed services and freelance their killing skills (honed in off-campus bars and Steak and Ales) alongside Jonas Savimbi...
...Make sure you check out my-" and he mentions his line of (ghostwritten) novels, CD-ROMs, comic books, phone cards...
...Most of the Trekkies I spoke with have little interest in politics...
...These are just a few fringe elements...
...Unconcerned that he was missing vital pre-Super Tuesday primaries, he added that he and his running mate, "the honorable George Bush, Jr...
...I met two of them, Terry and Tony...
...Like Trekkies sporting I.D...
...In 1992, W Hampton Sides wrote a book called Stomping Grounds, a study of subcultures featuring everyone from aging hippies in the Rainbow Gathering to geriatric caravans cruising the country in Airstream trailers...
...Though he stands about 5'7", Martin looks like he could take you out with a piece of discarded chaw, which is why he's the right guy to bang under the boards with the AARP, fighting for Social Security privatization and against the inheritance tax...
...of Texas, will have universal victory for everybody," noting also, "I am the President of Peru...
...Sometimes they're crotchety, maybe unpalatable, but where would the movement's followers be without the Reed Irvines, the Morton Blackwells, the David Keenes...
...I quickly became known as "the Star Trek guy...
...The mass-market followers are sufficiently numerous to support three spin-off series and seven movies, while its cult followers can and do descend into radical sectarianism bordering on religious fanaticism...
...To CPAC, if he can afford it, where people aren't treated differently because of their occupation...
...The Klingon Dictionary and Conversational Klingon, for example, document the fictional language of a fictional species...
...It's all highly systematic and taken very seriously, as any language with its own syntax and useful expressions should be...
...That's one I talk to and used to go to school with," Tony said pointing...
...You're not going out with her...
...No playing ages are listed, but a Buchanan supporter told me, "If they're going to public school, they should be playing by at least 5 or 6." At the Star Trek convention, they save the choice items for auction: versions of the crew in porcelain or DeForest (Dr...
...The idea, it seems, is to get Jack Kemp to notice you from the dais...
Vol. 1 • March 1996 • No. 26
