Casual
Casual The Unflappables Most people get annoyed when salesmen call during dinner. Not at my house. We love it. A call from somebody hawking burial plots or new longdistance service may interrupt...
...Hmm...
...A call from somebody hawking burial plots or new longdistance service may interrupt the meal, but it also gives us a chance to play Scare the Solicitor, my family's favorite parlor game...
...Going to get some experimental therapy, see if I'll ever walk again...
...So I told her I was blind...
...she asked...
...Legally blind...
...I'm having my other leg amputated in the morning...
...Okay...
...Just the other night, Sherri from Rollins Protective Services dialed up to see if I wanted to buy some fantastically expensive alarm system...
...Oh, totally blind," I said...
...Yeah, I'm out on bond right now...
...When Greenpeace canvassers would show up at our door begging for money, I'd stare at them in bovine incomprehension without saying a word...
...Show it to me...
...But I don't know if I should...
...Had the other one taken off last year...
...You wouldn't believe what lawyers cost...
...But I'll probably get off anyway...
...I'm out now trying to beat the charges...
...Sorry...
...Well, to tell you the truth, Brandon, I can't...
...Your appeal...
...she said...
...But she ignored me...
...Usually, they'd get uncomfortable and leave quickly (though one patient volunteer spent 10 minutes trying to explain acid rain to me in hand gestures...
...I was young, a chemistry set blew up in my face...
...Actually, Brandon, I'm going out of town after I leave the hospital...
...Pause...
...Well," she countered, "the firemen would just carry you out...
...I won't be back till March...
...Hi, Mr...
...Over the years, I've tried just about every disease and physical deformity I could think of on phone solicitors, the whole gamut from kidney dialysis and advanced melanoma to more esoteric maladies like lupus and Hansen's Disease...
...It's harder than it sounds...
...Maybe you read about it-I killed three people in a drug-related murder spree a couple of years ago...
...Carlson, if you have a second, I'd like to talk to you about some important investment opportunities...
...Good luck...
...I'm not looking forward to it...
...My future's kind of up in the air at this point...
...I know you're innocent," she said perkily...
...Terrible experience...
...If your spirits stay high," he wrote in ballpoint at the bottom of the investment pitch, "you'll never be low...
...So I really don't think I should take advantage of the offer till I win my case...
...she pleaded...
...I'd better wait to find out what happens with my appeal...
...I'm kind of busy...
...What I really needed was something to scare them off for good, some way to get blacklisted by phone salesmen...
...Just when I was getting used to one prosthesis, they're getting me another...
...Alarms are especially important for the handicapped...
...I'm not sure," I said, "I have this terrible drinking problem...
...It doesn't have Braille, but the buttons are raised...
...I'm not...
...Nervous chuckle...
...She almost had me...
...Clearly nothing was going to deter this woman...
...I har-rumphed with what was rapidly becoming real indignation...
...This is America...
...Do I know this guy...
...Hi...
...Though, to be fair, Brandon from Merrill Lynch did write a follow-up note a few days later...
...I definitely did it...
...Headed up to Minnesota for a couple of months...
...Finally, in a desperate move, I slammed the handset against the wall, made a yelping sound and muttered something about hitting my head on a kitchen cabinet...
...Would you like to take advantage of our new Credit Value Plus Voucher Savings Plan today...
...From across the room my wife grimaced, as if to say I was going too far...
...Got to go, I said...
...I'm blind...
...I don't think I'd wake up even if the alarm went off...
...She didn't miss a beat...
...Taking their clipboard, I'd write, "I am a deaf-mute" in big, scrawly letters and keep staring...
...Voice sounds kind of familiar...
...Wow...
...And it's expensive...
...Carlson, this is Brandon Mink, from Merrill Lynch...
...the woman asked...
...Well, maybe I could call you then...
...Not by the standards of the people who call my house...
...Got to pack for the hospital...
...Well, we have a model for the visually impaired," Sherri offered hopefully...
...Which I was, but then so was Sherri...
...Could I at least come over and show it to you...
...Unfortunately not...
...Will you be at this number...
...Of course, I'd love to," I said...
...Did he just ask me if I was kidding...
...Sound callous...
...But all of these were just short-term solutions...
...By the time Citibank called last summer hoping to hook me on a new credit bargain, I thought I had it all figured out...
...Well, listen, would you have time to talk when you get out...
...Mr...
...Tucker Carlson...
...The object is to say something so disturbing, so bizarre, to a telemarketer that he'll never call again, maybe even give up phone sales for good...
...If your house caught fire, the alarm would wake you up and the fire department would come and lead you outside...
...You're kidding, right...
Vol. 1 • December 1995 • No. 15
