TEA FOR TWO
LAST, JONATHAN V.
Casual TEA FOR TWO Barack Obama’s elitism runs even deeper than previously thought. Not only does the man from Hawaii, Morningside Heights, Cambridge, and Hyde Park look down on the grubby...
...He took them to Fresh Fields, the forerunner of Whole Foods, where a buyer ordered 15,000 bottles...
...But my penchant for frou-frou beverages goes somewhat beyond simple gourmet organic small-batch independently brewed iced teas...
...In other words, more appealing to vulgar tastes...
...But the company has grown...
...I don’t mean to brag, but I adopted Honest Tea back in 2001 and have been enjoying it in contented solitude ever since...
...Not only does he bowl like a (10-yearold) girl...
...Unlike Lori’s Lemon, the new fl avor might become a mass sensation, tippled in ballparks and offi ce buildings across America...
...Recently it was revealed that on the campaign trail, Obama’s drink of choice is Honest Tea...
...movement that embraced mass-designer cola products—Crystal Pepsi and Pepsi Kona were two of my favorites...
...There is precious little stability in the market because a drink either catches on and becomes an object of mass consumption or fails to fi nd an audience and dies out...
...Lacking such clout, I called the people at Honest Tea headquarters, prepared to simply beg...
...And just bitter enough to offend lesser palates...
...Glass is more exclusive...
...Not only does the man from Hawaii, Morningside Heights, Cambridge, and Hyde Park look down on the grubby rubes in Altoona who go hunting after church...
...Try fi nding one of those in Altoona...
...In the course of conversation with Honest Tea’s Dale Crowell, I learned that Karl Rove is also a devotee...
...Yet even this comfort grew cold after a few days, as I watched my supply of Lori’s Lemon, hidden in my offi ce fi ling cabinet, dwindle...
...From the perspective of the beverage snob, it’s hard to say which is more tragic...
...As a hedge against that unhappy possibility, I bought every remaining bottle of Lori’s Lemon on the shelf...
...Based in Bethesda, Maryland, Honest Tea is a bobo Horatio Alger story: The company’s founder, Seth Goldman, started the business by brewing fi ve thermoses of tea in 1998...
...In the early ’90s, I was part of the outr...
...And, while I hesitate to break the news to Senator Obama—he has enough to worry about, what with saving our country, restoring hope, and altering the fabric of American political life—I worry that trouble is brewing even for our beloved Honest Tea...
...I was concerned that the people at Honest Tea were selling out—trying to broaden their market...
...As you might imagine, I was quite pleased with myself—a familiar sensation for people like Barack and me—because I now had the ultimate drink: an extinct designer iced tea...
...In recent years I’ve gone to increasing lengths to fi nd interesting and obscure soft drinks...
...But when it comes to soda these days I’ve moved on to the brand Boylan’s, which substitutes cane sugar for high-fructose corn syrup...
...But it turns out that even his choice in beverages is an exercise in namby-pamby privilege...
...The problem is that all good soft drinks eventually come to an end...
...Of course...
...Consequently, it was my favorite...
...Which is all well and good, so long as only the right people do the transcending...
...I was drinking Snapple in the late ’80s, before it had ubiquitous, annoying TV ads and scores of nonsensical fl avors...
...Yet in the matter of designer beverages, I come not to bury Obama, but to praise him...
...One of their classic fl avors is Lori’s Lemon, a delicate blend of black tea, lemon, and a hint of cane sugar...
...When I’m feeling really selective, I’ll reach past the Boylan’s in my refrigerator for a Cricket Cola—which is made with both cane sugar and green tea...
...But on a recent trip to the grocery store, I was met with a sign announcing that Lori’s Lemon had been discontinued...
...The bonds of beverage elitism, it seems, transcend even the widest political divides...
...You can only get them at high-end grocers, such as Balducci’s, and they run $1.50 a pop, so to speak...
...Today Honest Tea produces all sorts of teas and juices...
...Once he’s President Obama, the commander in chief will be able to ensure the continued supply of Black Forest Berry...
...It was just sweet enough to entice people like the senator and me...
...Happily, they informed me that Lori’s Lemon remains in production, it’s just no longer available in plastic bottles...
...Honest Tea is a delightful concoction, and his embrace of it is a mark of high character...
...It was being replaced, it seemed, by a flavor called Organic Lemon Black Tea—which is like Lori’s Lemon, only sweeter and less bitter...
...JONATHAN V. LAST...
...Which is fi ne by me...
...Senator Obama prefers the Black Forest Berry tea...
...I eschew the everyday brands of bottled water and go straight for the $4 bottles of Voss—the artesian water from Norway notable for being (1) maliciously priced and (2) packaged in large, sleek, cylindrical glass jars...
Vol. 13 • June 2008 • No. 38
