ADVERTISING WEAK
LAST, JONATHAN V.
Casual ADVERTISING WEAK My friend Jody Bottum once suggested that there are three basic stories in fiction: (1) boy meets girl; (2) a stranger came to town; and (3) there once was a man...
...That’s why I patronize them...
...You can’t help admiring their brass...
...But freshness isn’t one of them...
...But didn’t advertising used to be more straightforwardly fabulous...
...Those weren’t real ads, but a short while ago the National Association of Realtors really did claim that “It’s a great time to buy or sell a home,” inviting suckers— excuse me, “homeowners”—to abandon themselves to the dream of an economic-growth perpetualmotion machine...
...JONATHAN V. LAST...
...He also has celebrity endorsements...
...Take the latest political examples of the genus, from Barack Obama’s campaign for the Democratic nomination...
...I’ve long held that the same is true for advertising...
...But my typical trip to Lowe’s involves my trekking from paint to plumbing to appliances just to fi nd someone to answer a question about light bulbs...
...The world’s best coverage...
...His messages about “hope” are the classic promise that the product (Obama) will deliver all sorts of magic...
...I’m so partial to the iPhone that I don’t mind AT&T’s spotty cellular phone coverage, which lags far behind industry leader Verizon...
...By contrast, the new advertising insists on the opposite of the particulars we know...
...Advertisements can be classifi ed into three basic pitches: (1) Acme Widgets can cure the common cold...
...That’s doing dishonesty the old-fashioned way...
...The most doctrinaire liberal since McGovern makes a show of striking nonideological poses...
...Other advertisers have followed suit...
...Why not just tell us “Lesser Ingredients, Cheaper Pizza...
...Your neighbors will despise you unless you drive a Cadillac...
...Today, Papa John’s ads boast “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza...
...Madison Avenue would make impossible or ridiculous suggestions: Use Old Spice and Tricia Helfer will be yours...
...Note it doesn’t say “largest,” which would be quantifi able...
...His “Dip-Dive” video features dozens of beautiful, famous people mooning over Obama and inviting you to join them in their crusade for a better America...
...The line advertisers are suddenly taking is that their product’s greatest weakness is actually a tremendous strength...
...Then there’s delivery pizza giant Papa John’s...
...Of course it’s silly to be bothered by commercials of questionable veracity— one might as well complain that water is wet...
...It has an extensive data network and supports the iPhone, which is my favorite gadget of all time...
...Why should Papa John be ashamed of who he is...
...AT&T Wireless, for example, is my cell carrier, and I’m quite happy with it...
...the quality of McDonald’s produce is among its least attractive features...
...Which is fl at untrue...
...2) Ed McMahon uses Acme Widgets—so should you...
...In defense of Lowe’s, they seem to have a better selection of higher quality goods at competitive prices...
...and (3) if you don’t use Acme Widgets, your friends and family will disdain you...
...Their pitch is that customer service separates them from the competition...
...Like Budweiser or Geico or any other big business, Obama has a number of different ad themes running on parallel tracks...
...Yet the admen have decided to overcome this weakness by simply asserting that the opposite is true...
...The candidate with the most startling racialist ties in decades puts himself forward as the fi rst postracial candidate...
...Certainly McDonald’s has improved since I fl ipped burgers there in the early ’90s, and its fare has its virtues...
...In recent weeks, however, watching the NCAA tournament, I’ve discovered a fourth genus...
...The fi rst ad to suggest the need for a revision in my taxonomy was from McDonald’s, a commercial featuring ripe tomatoes and perfect eggs, all dancing and proclaiming how wonderfully fresh the chain’s food is...
...But what does AT&T tout in its ads...
...Advertising has always been like this—ever since a certain serpent started hawking apples...
...The ads that irritate me the most are from Lowe’s, the big-box home improvement chain...
...As I said, no point getting wound up...
...And the least legislatively productive candidate puts himself forward as the bridge across the partisan divide—when it’s actually his competitors who have the history of bipartisan accomplishment...
...During my bachelor days in Washington, Papa John’s was the pizza of choice, terrible though it was, because you could get something like four pies for $12...
...On a caloriesper-cent basis it rivaled straight butter for value...
...and (3) there once was a man a long way from home...
...But Obama also engages in the new advertising, presenting his liabilities as strengths...
...If I do fi nd a Lowe’s employee—not a sure thing—it’s a pleasant surprise if he speaks even broken English...
Vol. 13 • April 2008 • No. 29
