Driver's Ed
TERZIAN, PHILIP
Casual Driver's Ed I have been instructing my 15year-old daughter in driving with a standard transmission and, when asked how things are going, can respond truthfully that things are going...
...Do you think it will snow tomorrow...
...My daughter knows the rule about listening to hip hop in my car—She who plays crunk / Shall sit in the trunk—but her complaining about string quartets on the radio allows me to respond...
...Nearly all these approaches were met with something close to embarrassed silence, or a monosyllabic response...
...The more excruciating was the experience of driving babysitters home late at night...
...Sometimes I would relate an anecdote from earlier in the evening, or even commiserate with them: “Mrs...
...Better to be thought an oblivious eccentric than an aging groper...
...Now, thankfully, both my children are long past the babysitter phase...
...Two, in particular, come to mind...
...In the fullness of time I solved the problem by turning on the local classical music station and humming contentedly along...
...I use the word “chauffeur” advisedly, since she often travels in the company of a friend—sometimes two or three friends—and they insist on sitting in the back seat...
...Once again, this puts me in something of a dilemma...
...Terzian and I were sorry to read about your dad’s indictment...
...Dialogue ensues, and before you know it, her friends are giggling at my diabolical wit...
...but since my daughter is not driving on her own, yet leads a varied and active extracurricular life, I am frequently called upon to serve as chauffeur...
...Which, in turn, was equally painful for me: Any question or comment would have the earmark of an opening gambit...
...Or, better yet, Arnold Schoenberg...
...As easy as downshifting from fifth to fourth gear...
...So at some point I mentioned the curious case of the stoic babysitters to my wife, who suggested I consider the circumstances from the sitter’s perspective...
...But on the other hand I feel slightly silly, and not a little annoyed, to be driving my daughter and her voluble friends while maintaining a mandatory silence behind the steering wheel...
...Anyway, during one recent session in a neighborhood church parking lot, it occurred to me that fatherhood has certainly furnished its share of awkward moments over the years...
...But no matter how short the excursion, they were among the longest, and most uncomfortable, minutes of my life...
...And more than a few of those have taken place in automobiles...
...The only problem is that if, in the course of these maneuvers, I should make any sort of friendly suggestion—especially with a note of urgency in my voice—I am accused of “yelling” at her...
...Fortunately, most of the young girls we engaged to take care of our children lived within easy driving distance of our residence...
...At first, I thought it was the polite thing to do to engage them in conversation, or ask innocuous questions: How is school...
...They were probably feeling something akin to terror...
...From that point of view, of course, their silence was comprehensible...
...Casual Driver's Ed I have been instructing my 15year-old daughter in driving with a standard transmission and, when asked how things are going, can respond truthfully that things are going about as well as can be expected...
...Which is to say: She is now capable of shifting into the five forward gears of my 1998 Honda Civic hatchback, of driving in reverse, of parallel parking, and of coming to a complete stop (most of the time) without lifting her left foot from the clutch, thereby abruptly shutting off the engine and launching my forehead into the rightside visor...
...Here she was, in the full flower of adolescence, sitting alone, very late at night, beside a talkative gentleman who might or might not have consumed a cocktail or two, and who might or might not consider himself God’s gift to teenage girls...
...Being the self-conscious sort, I was genuinely puzzled, and not a little hurt, by their obvious discomfort and (as I thought) rudeness...
...On the one hand, my daughter is (perhaps understandably) horrified by my attempts at intergenerational conversation—or, worse, humor—and on many occasions, when driving her home alone, I have been gently lectured about the necessity of keeping my mouth shut...
...PhiliP Terzian...
...On a few mortifying occasions, my suggestions have even reduced her to tears...
...So, to balance the scales, I resort once again to the classical music station...
...Of course, that was never my intention—nor was I “yelling,” dammit—but she is persuaded otherwise, and our relationship has suffered a little...
...If I am forbidden to interject while listening to their adolescent chatter, then I’ll let Beethoven speak for me...
...What’s your favorite course...
Vol. 12 • February 2007 • No. 24
