The Drain Brain
Casual The Drain Brain There ought to be a school, maybe a chain of schools, offering classes for practically-challenged adults. Courses would include basic car maintenance, financial planning,...
...When the stopper in the upstairs bathroom sink jammed, I removed it...
...The Super Plumber asked me, next time I tell this story, not to mention that my brother is a plumber...
...Then I put some Krazy Glue on the toilet-paper tip and put the tip down the drain and waited for the lost toothbrushes and whatnot to become affixed to the glue—and then pulled them out...
...They're stowed in a wicker basket that originally came to us, filled with gourmet treats, as a housewarming gift...
...We also talk about the running-water problem...
...This was bad news...
...look...
...The conversation went like this, if you want to know how guys from Queens talk...
...When stuff began falling into the open drain, I stuck a wire down to pull the stuff out...
...It meant I also had to fix the running-water problem: For a couple weeks, while I tried to ignore it, the tank had been constantly refilling...
...For the record, I now own so many tools I don't know where to put them...
...Something about losing her husband for a whole weekend while he replaces a flapper—a task the Super Plumber would complete in ten minutes—taxes her forbearance...
...The first class I'd take is elementary plumbing...
...I don't remember what she said in reply...
...I do have, as it happens, a plumbing tutor...
...Adding to my anxiety was the fact that my wife, Cynthia, expects me to be able to manage basic household repairs without too much fuss...
...Fifteen years later, if you mention anything relating to pipes, he grows quiet and his eyes start to drift, like he's worried you're going to ask him to check the water heater...
...When he was an apprentice, he'd come home from work, stomp into the kitchen, flex both his arms like a body builder, and yell "Super Plumber...
...Still, he takes my calls...
...But I don't have whatchoo call the big wrench you open pipes with...
...A few weeks ago, I noticed the grout around the tiles under our downstairs toilet was wet...
...Usually...
...Still, I declare victory...
...I try to explain to her that my memory simply doesn't retain the details of these little fix-it jobs, so it's as if I'm always starting from scratch...
...The water needs to be shut off and the tank needs to be emptied...
...After shopping around for the connector and a flapper, I get to work...
...Advice was only a phone call away, but I was scared...
...First I call my brother...
...The bathroom works again, though frankly not so well...
...I tell her, "If I don't think a particular piece of information is necessary to my becoming a better writer or a better person, it's like my brain lets go of it to make room for information that does serve one of these purposes...
...You can't open the trap underneath...
...And I'm like No, I got tools, four or five of them...
...When my brother, during a visit, spotted the tool-stuffed basket, he was like David, you never heard of a toolbox...
...And he's like Yes, David, that would definitely be too much trouble...
...And he's like A pipe wrench...
...Seems I need to replace the flapper again...
...A second look reveals they are my own kids, whom I haven't seen all weekend...
...After I replace everything, water is leaking out through the bolts...
...The next day I get back to work while Cynthia is outside on the sidewalk playing with some kids...
...David Skinner...
...Courses would include basic car maintenance, financial planning, how to throw a dinner party, that kind of thing...
...My wife wants to know why it always takes the whole weekend for me to fix anything...
...Several hours and one trip to the hardware store later, I'm done...
...I felt like a dyslexic forced to take a spelling test...
...In my imagined school of household repair, she is the dean of students, and she's always giving me this look, known by academic underachievers the world round—the Are-you-ever-going-to-graduate...
...This time when I call, he gives me some instructions on replacing the connector that supplies water to the tank...
...That would be my older brother, a licensed master plumber in New York City with his own company...
...So I have to start over...
...I've sometimes tried to fix plumbing without expert guidance...
...When the drain got totally clogged, I took a long wooden spoon and taped a wad of toilet paper to the end to make, essentially, a large Q-tip...
...I told my brother about it...
...He was like Whatchoo don't have tools...
...He's like Want me to send a couple of my guys down...
...And I'm like Would that be too much trouble...
Vol. 12 • January 2007 • No. 19
