Casual

...If the scatological is more to your liking, you might go with the Yule Doo ornament, which looks like something Prancer would leave behind if Santa fed him too much table food...

...But he's a dog...

...Supposedly "heaven sent" by your recently departed loved one, it's engraved: I l^'ve you de^-rly / Now don't shed a te^^ / I''m spending my Christmas / With Jesus this year...

...We just want you to be inconvenienced by it...

...Political ornaments are also great fun, from Christopher Radko's George W. Bush head, to Dick Cheney's "F— Off" ornament, to the Stop Hate campaign's Matthew Shepard ornament, a plum colored bulb with "Matt" embossed in festive red lettering...

...But Christmas, it turns out, is a great time for paybacks...

...But the sad thing about this battle is that it distracts us from what the season is really about: bad Christmas ornaments...

...My own entry came when, as a schoolchild, I brought home a Santa-on-plywood number that I'd painted in runny watercolors...

...They were beat and bleary, as if Santa had just put down a fifth of muscatel in the parking lot of whatever mall he was working...

...Online, I found edible nativity recipes that recommend making Jesus out of everything from a pretzel torso with a marshmallow head, to cocktail smokies wrapped in crescent rolls that suggest swaddling clothes...

...Our Christmas music—I'm not so sure about...

...That's why you'll find people hanging on the tree everything from chocolate-covered you-name-it to coconut-rolled Rice Krispie treats...

...The campaign's website recommends explaining it to "very young children" by gathering them around the tree and telling them, "When Matt was in college, he was robbed and beaten to death because he was different than most men...

...I won't go into great detail, but suffice it to say Horny the Snowman sports the traditional carrot, though not for his nose...

...It looked as though it'd been done by a stoned Picasso during a train derailment...

...And nothing says "Daddy needs to check into Hazel-den" like hanging the Yuengling Black & Tan beer-can ornament from your bough...

...My mom smiled wanly, taking my gift and placing it behind the tree, where proud moms the world over hide similar atrocities, from the "Angel Hair" doll made of cat shavings to the King Herod figurine constructed from uncooked elbow macaroni...

...That's why, despite their histrionics, I secretly root for the beat cops at Fox News who take the nightstick to Baal-worshippers, ACLU / lawyers, and Target clerks who (_ ^ have the gall to wish us "Happy Holidays" as we're trying to observe the birth of our Lord and Savior by buying big sacks of junk we don't need...

...The dead-relative-in-pewter offering put me on a quest...

...We've all bought them—or worse, made them...

...Putting the "no" in "Noel" are porn ornaments, or "pornaments...

...But bad Christmas ornaments get much worse than that...

...Sticking with the alcoholism theme, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem...

...MATT LABASH...

...Now, I hope to go to heaven as much as the next guy...

...But if it entails sitting down at a craft table and making treacly baubles to send back home, I'd rather get flame-broiled with the ACLU lawyers and Target clerks...

...Or maybe the second worst, behind Horny the Snowman...

...Frequently lampooned, Christians are expected to silently turn the other cheek...

...Now who wants wassail...

...If she plays Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time" one more time, I'm going to throw a rope around the top of our Scotch pine and hang myself from it, making for the worst Christmas ornament ever...

...Now that the Christmas season officially kicks off after St...

...Thanks to my wife, my own ornaments are tasteful, perfectly appointed constellations of vibrant blown-glass and Black Forest craftsmanship...

...In my own house, our nativity-scene manger is guarded by a ruck of strategically placed shepherds who keep our dog from eating the baby Jesus...

...Patrick's Day, why not go with the Mug of Green Beer ornament...

...We don't care whether you share our celebration...

...Combing magazines, catalogs, and a little-known research tool I like to call "the information superhighway," I set out to find the world's worst Christmas ornament...

...The other day, I spotted an ad for the "Merry Christmas From Heaven From Deceased in Pewter" ornament...

...He doesn't know any better Some people eat the Christ child on purpose...

...It was all a blur, except for the eyes...

...Being fat Americans, we not only like to look at our Christmas decorations, we like to eat them...

...Don't flatter yourselves, baby-Jesus haters...

...Alcohol is also a big tasteless favorite...