THE WINDFALL
Meyer, Ernest L.
The Windfall AMAGAZINE recently conducted a contest under the challenging title: "What would you do if someone unexpectedly handed you a million dollars?" The answers sent in by readers were both...
...So you hurl the blade behind the radiator and put in a fresh one, to be all set for a deluxe shave on the following day...
...You get self-conscious...
...On a more modest scale, however, I am able to report accurately on the strange effects of suddenly acquired wealth...
...You figure you're going to make half a dozen blades last a month...
...You know how it goes...
...My second dissipation when I got that unexpected $20 was to buy two dozen safety razor blades...
...It had long been my secret ambition to shave each day with a new razor blade...
...You change your socks every day and toward the end of the week all you have left in the dresser is a tangled snarl of five socks, all of assorted patterns and all darned to the hiit, or the gusset or By ERNEST L MEYER whatever you call the top part of the sock...
...I guess I put that blade in last Thursday...
...The amazing windfall so corrupted me that on the spur of the moment I plunged into a dissipation I had long visioned but never attained...
...You know how it is...
...You Know How It Goes Then you haul away with that blade, and after your face looks like ah aerial photograph of Hamburg after an RAF blitz-bombing you suddenly remember that the dinner with the McCurdle-Ardles was a week ago Friday and you've been hashing your epidermis with a rusty relic...
...Let's see...
...That is why, when I got the $20 windfall, I first of all...
...And when I got that $20 all in a lump I bought two dozen (24) brand new razor blades...
...It got so bad again that toward the end of the week I'd pull on a pair of darns and hobble to work...
...You notice that every eye on the street is fixed on your underpinning...
...So you walk to work with one hose of ultramarine stripes and another of ketchup-red polka dots and you feel like a mixed drink...
...After a while I gave up the pernicious two-sock habit and contented myself with wearing just one pair and looking at the others...
...bought 18 pair of socks...
...And on the following day you come home and find your wife has used the new blade to cut a pattern out of a yard of linoleum or sheet-tin...
...Because lamentably few philanthropists go around thrusting million dollar gifts upon reluctant takers, the whole discussion struck me as a bit academic...
...For the 24 days I had the time of my life...
...What an orgy...
...The blades all landed on the roof of the neighbor's house, where they made a glittering heap most luscious to contemplate...
...I won the pot in a baseball pool...
...After work, I'd lay out my hoard of socks on the bed, count them, riffle, their glossiness through my fingers, arrange them in neat little heaps according to pattern, and spend half an hour figuring which pair to wear in the morning...
...I was drunk with deep and darnless delight...
...On the 25th day I borrowed a ladder and climbed the neighbor's roof to retrieve the stock of oncerused razor blades...
...I confess I was so happy I got piggish and wore two pair at a time...
...All new...
...Well, anyhow, that blade ought to be good for just one more shave...
...And when I got through shaving I would take that blade, and with childish howls of glee I would throw it out of the bathroom window, to make sure it wouldn't get mixed up with the new stock...
...I looked like City Hose Company No...
...And for two dozen days I had the most gal-lumphing time...
...Then you feel guilty and panicky, and after six blocks you dash to a traffic cop and confess that you've just slaughtered your Aunt Petunia with the family soup tureen...
...Ah, when I think of those glorious star-swept nights in Manhattan, with the moon sailing over the city spires and myself huddled over my heap of $1 half-wool, pre-shrunk, reinforced-at-the-heel hose marked down to 89 cents...
...Imagine, every day I shaved with a new, shiny, and sharp razor blade...
...1. But, hang it, I was on a sock-spree, having the time of my life...
...One day, for example, I came into possession of $20 which I had neither earned nor expected...
...18 Pairs Of Socks I went directly to a store where they were having a bargain sale in socks and I bought 18 pair...
...Not a darn in them...
...So that's the way it goes...
...That is what I did with my wealth, cross my heart...
...Alas, that was long ago, and those socks gradually degenerated into a half dozen wizened and woe-begohe veterans...
...One lofty-souled lady vowed she would endow immediately a rest-haven and milk-dispensary for lost, strayed, or temporarily mislaid cats...
...No, it must have been Friday, because Friday was the night you had dinner with the McCurdle-Ardles and you'd put in a new blade to make your phiz bloom extra beau-brummel-ish...
...Then you totally forget how many times you've used the current blade in the razor...
...The answers sent in by readers were both diverse and diverting...
...Another reader, a man with acute twinges of honesty, said that the shock of suddenly getting a million dollars would lead but to one result: he would take the money and rent a permanent suite in a hostelry for the mentally mildewed...
...You know how it is, all you who lack a $20 bonus from heaven...
...Then I went to another store and bought two dozen safety razor blades...
Vol. 8 • May 1944 • No. 22
