Scouting Report
Durst, Will
Off the Map Will Durst Scouting Report The World Series of Presidential politics is a whole eighteen months down the road, but the major players are already lacing up their cleats. Yes, my...
...Republican League Elephants 3 to 1. Arizona Senator John McCain...
...Where any Dominican can grow up to be shortstop and any American can grow up to be President...
...Country not ready for another President who was governor of Arkansas...
...Like the Yankees she claims to be a fan of, she behaves almost like she’s miffed the crown isn’t just handed over to her...
...A fact recently immeasurably reinforced by George Bush...
...40 to 1. Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee...
...In it to screw illegals...
...Russ Feingold...
...Wearing Al Gore’s flip-flops...
...Another four years of Bush might mean the public finally catches up to his message...
...Alaska...
...Democratic League Donkeys 7 to 2. New York Senator Hillary Clinton...
...Gone but not forgotten: Al Gore...
...Gone and forgotten: Evan Bayh...
...Lost a few miles on his fastball...
...Arkansas fatigue...
...California Congressman Duncan Hunter...
...500 to 1. The Field...
...10 to 1. Former North Carolina Senator John Edwards...
...John Kerry...
...20 to 1. Former Governor of New York George Pataki...
...Country not ready for another President named George...
...A little too comfortable flossing with own shoelaces...
...Still clinging to a lineup featuring his trademark “Two Americas” pitch...
...Kansas Senator Sam Brownback...
...In it for the Vice Presidency...
...Dropped out but still has a better chance than Kucinich or Gravel...
...In it for 2012...
...Dick Cheney...
...Comic, writer, actor, former radio talk show host and sod farmer Will Durst picks the Brewers and the Red Sox to get to the World Series...
...In it for the babies...
...Back on disabled list due to persistent bout of foot-in-the-mouth disease...
...In it for the parties...
...Wily veteran...
...Bad timing...
...Tom Vilsack...
...In it for Secretary of the Interior...
...Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo...
...Gravel...
...9 to 2. Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani...
...New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson...
...Got the Mormon thing to get past...
...Cool...
...In it for the cheese...
...Texas Congressman Ron Paul...
...Former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel...
...Yes, my friends, it’s spring training for the Presidency...
...But for casual fans, might be a positive...
...Again...
...8,000,000 to 1. Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich...
...500 to 1. The Field...
...Bad timing...
...Dropped out before people knew how to pronounce his name...
...50 to 1. Delaware Senator Joe Biden...
...Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd...
...Severe thirddegree George fatigue...
...10 to 1. Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney...
...Gone but not forgotten...
...Besides, this is America...
...Former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson...
...In it for Texas...
...Condoleezza Rice...
...Dropped out before people knew he was running...
...Rookie just called up from Triple A. Might not be ready for the hardball style of the Bigs...
...Worries abound that in the Iowa straw poll this summer he might lose to the straw...
...Would have an easier time winning the World Series than getting to it...
...Already got into a pimp-slapping contest with Hillary and lost...
...So here is our scouting report on some of the announced and presumed contenders for the upcoming season, in which, for once, everybody has a chance...
...Except the Cubs and Dennis Kucinich, that is...
...6 to 1. Illinois Senator Barack Obama...
...On paper, conventional wisdom tells us we’ll see a championship final of Clinton versus McCain, but they don’t play on paper because if they did, their cleats would rip it all to shreds what with the running and the sliding...
...This time, the field promises to be more crowded than the trainer’s table after the first day of wind sprints for pitchers...
Vol. 71 • April 2007 • No. 4
