Sever and Saunter
Durst, Will
Sever and Saunter Off the Map Will Durst I don't know if you've got your head screwed on tight right now, but if not, you might want to pull out some eight penny nails and a claw hammer and place...
...Two someones...
...And though George Bush has yet to demonstrate he possesses the flexibility to bend down and undo the Velcro fasteners on his shoes, he has bet a large amount of his political capital on trying to sell us on his transmogrification into a limber fourteen-year-old female Olympic gymnast...
...Let's see, which alternatives to democracy are available for Iraqi consideration...
...He's tan...
...Kills three birds with one stone...
...Too much emotional baggage...
...Comic, writer, actor, former radio show host, malevolent lurker, and Thanksgiving aficionado, Will Durst wonders if killing three birds with one stone is how we got Turduckens...
...Even if actual action is called for, it's doubtful any of the Baker study group's strategic plans call for the President to step down and accept the position of greeter/shoveler at the official stables of the Arabian Horse Association, as would be my suggestion...
...Not fair to impose the impossible burden of demanding the trains run on time onto this nascent infrastructure...
...Gets the Vice President and his approval rating, which is lower than anchovy milkshakes, out of Washington...
...provides hands-on cover for his Halliburton skimming...
...We seem to like it...
...Doubt it...
...Why start now...
...Because after you see James Baker's recommendations for Bush's non-strategy in Iraq, you're going to want to nail your skull onto your spine before it spins off into the ether like a runaway flesh-colored balloon...
...Or, as it would be known to the Iraqis, the good old days...
...As a matter of fact, look out: They're behind you...
...Here they come...
...Communism...
...When you think about it, an oppressive dictatorship holds the benefit of both being familiar to the citizens and having been demonstrably successful in the area...
...He's rested...
...So, reinstall a reformed Hussein and appoint someone to watch over him...
...And most importantly, it gives the American people someone to blame...
...Another possibility, and this is the time to get a feel for the weight of that hammer, is being referred to as "alternatives to our effort to establish a democracy...
...Wouldn't have to reintroduce him to the populace...
...A theocracy...
...And I know this may sound wackier than perforated condoms, but . . . how 'bout Saddam...
...Another prospect is a return to tyrannical despotism...
...and allows Bush to appoint his successor for the '08 election...
...Still has huge name recognition...
...Unh, no...
...Let me repeat that: alternatives to democracy...
...Don't think so...
...Oh, sure, a benevolent dictator would be preferable, but it has never been historically a deal breaker for our foreign policy...
...He knows the territory...
...Some statues must be lying around somewhere...
...Fascism...
...Although Pat Robertson and his buds might like it, not a road we want to go down...
...Not doing much right now...
...Someone like Dick Cheney...
...Sever and Saunter Off the Map Will Durst I don't know if you've got your head screwed on tight right now, but if not, you might want to pull out some eight penny nails and a claw hammer and place them in the ready position...
...Would give a whole new slant to "red state...
...Could give a ruling monarchy a try...
...It is possible the result will be nothing more than another new slogan, since the phrase "stay the course" has already been replaced with the amorphous adjective "flexible...
...One of the options being bandied about is the slow withdrawal of our armed forces, known as "cut and run" when proposed by Democrats, but I'm sure Mr...
...Two Dicks...
...Probably not...
...Besides, if the Vice President can't instill the fear of Allah in Hussein, nobody can...
...Baker's changes can be expected within the hour...
...Baker will trot out something a bit more circumspect like "shave and split," "slice and sprint," or "sever and saunter...
Vol. 70 • December 2006 • No. 12
