We're Back in Kansas, Toto
Clinton, Kate
Unplugged Kate Clinton We're Back in Kansas, Toto Lots of my friends have read and loved Thomas Frank's bracing book, What's the Matter with Kansas? As well documented in Frank's book, his native...
...And of course, people would start paying big bucks to visit my shrine...
...After all, Fred Phelps, his family, and their national "Kill Fags Tour" hail from the state capital, Topeka...
...I think it's God, don't you...
...Home School Graduation cards: You took the test, you did your best...
...Here's a selection: Pre-Birthday Cards: You never believed That cytoblastphemy When you adopted your egg You just called her "Mimi...
...I do not count myself one of the root-cause, coastal liberal snobs, and maybe that's the way all coastal liberal snobs think...
...The gay population, so besieged in Kansas, is vibrant and feisty...
...In all the crowd, you did me proud...
...the family would stop in KC to resupply for the rest of the journey...
...Kate "Hot as L!" Clinton is a humorist...
...KC used to be the 7-eleven stop on everyone's westward trek...
...It is my wildly undocumented hunch that Hallmark factories have been illegally dumping in the Missouri River, contaminating the ground water and thus infecting the population...
...Like all those postelection Democrats visiting the Lakoff and Wallis shrines, I thought if I could really answer the Kansas conundrum, we might be able to parse the election...
...I love performing in Kansas City...
...During a bit of free time before one of my shows, I was roaming around KC, idly wondering why people vote against their own best economic and political interests...
...When asked, my friends can restate the premise of the mutation: The right wing expertly manipulated culture issues-gay marriage, evolution, patriotism-to avoid real life economic security issues...
...Founded in 1910, it has grown to be the dominant force in "the personal expression industry-helping people express their feelings and touching the lives of others...
...That's when I came upon Hallmark headquarters...
...I think I'm onto something...
...bothers me...
...And if I could hire those dogged, laid-off weapons of mass destruction searchers, I have a hunch they would find a secret cache of highly suspicious cards in a spider hole on the Hallmark grounds...
...Cards are also planned for "On Your Secondary Virginity," "Your Covenant Marriage Anniversary," "Fatherland Day," "Invitation to a Book Burning," and "Countdown to the Rapture...
...is, of course, Dorothy...
...It owns Crown Media of "Hallmark Hall of Fame" fame and Crayola and all its colors, which might explain the garishly forced cheeriness of the town...
...CSI: Kansas City...
...But a nagging "huh...
...When the kids in the way back of the Conestogas whined, "Are we there yet...
...Don't worry your head When you haven't a clue...
...I can vouch that New Yorkers would not be so well disposed to an Albany, Massachusetts...
...It is a town that has enough civic confidence and flexibility to locate itself in two states...
...If I could afford the forensics experts, I bet they'd find foiled hearts, glitter effluvia, doily fragments, and inordinately high levels of schmaltz in the outflow...
...My Hallmark intel people tell me that a new "Over My Dead Body" ("Gays will get married"/"Hillary will be President"/"I'll give up my Uzi") humorous line of cards is in the works...
...Also available: Embossed Home School Reunion invitations, come in packs of one or two...
...Intelligent Design Cards: Why roses are red, Or the sky is so blue...
...His answer to the question "What's the matter with Kansas...
...No one knows whose payroll he is on or where he gets his frequent flier miles...
...As well documented in Frank's book, his native state's rectitudinous rectangularity has morphed from its early radical progressivism to its current radical conservatism...
Vol. 69 • September 2005 • No. 9
