I Do Weddings

...My wedding package, The Rite Stuff, includes one hour of pre-mar-riage counseling (because I don't want to hear much more about it than that...

...My motto: "Every reception needs a wedding zinger...

...My friend from Provincetown called me and my bluff and asked me to celebrate their union of thirty-two years...

...Clinton is a humorist...

...told me how to get a minister's license from the Universal Life Church...

...As that old dyke Susan B. said, "Failure is impossible...

...Call me the Irreverend...

...In addition to my minister's license with my name in a very convincing liturgical font, it includes a wedding business training video for ministers and a revised and very helpful "Ultimate Wedding & Ceremony Workbook" for the planning-impaired...

...Judy Dlugasz, the founder of Olivia Cruises who does shipboard ceremonies (a twofer, she's brilliant...

...This time around, I will not be left at the altar...

...We'll make this marriage thing ours yet...

...Kate (Don't call me the Right Reverend...

...Get your licenses...

...The ULC people will e-confer your ministership at no cost, but I splurged, and for $109, plus shipping and handling, I got the deluxe reverend package...

...The next sound you'll hear is me jumping on the Same Sex Marriage Express...

...I am most proud of my wallet-sized hologram license and the six-by-nine-inch orange laminated "Parking- Minister's Business" placard to display on my dashboard...

...I missed the Gay Cruise treasure chest...

...Then we'll go out to dinner...

...We'll get the justice of the peace thing, but then we'd be honored to have you officiate in our living room, with a few friends...

...I plan on mentioning the ups and downs and dish they've gone through together, that they lived through the AIDS plague, that they are the center of their often dysfunctional straight families, that they have to whack back their co-dependencies with large sticks, that they've both survived quadruple bi-pass surgeries and recoveries, that they care for their aging surviving parents, that they've raised thousands of dollars for the Provincetown AIDS support group, that they are hysterical to watch the Women's NCAA basketball finals with, and that they are spectacular loyal friends and boon companions to each other...

...and the reception after...

...I missed the gays on TV bonanza, but so did a lot of other actual gay people...

...If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, and that's just what I intend to do...

...Like those itinerant clerics who traveled during the summer months and took over for vacationing priests, I hope to help out this summer in Provincetown, but without the pedophilia...

...Or even the Left Reverend...

...The fine print says that parking privileges are not recognized in New York City, and that I am not authorized to do circumcisions...

...Otherwise I am good to go-d...

...Celebrate your friends...

...And honored beyond measure and surprised to be asked to celebrate my friends' love...

...Who knew...

...the ceremony itself (I'm very good with parents...

...I missed the rainbow tchotchke cash cow...

...I am joining the Gay Marriage Industrial Complex...

...Part celebration, part roast, I am as nervous about this occasion as when I first began to perform...

...And suddenly I am poring over my books, watching my video, worrying about my outfit, and writing a special ceremony for my good friends...

...Quite frankly, I am not going to let another gay wave pass me by...