Apologies All Around
Durst, Will
Off the Map Will Durst Apologies All Around Richard Clarke's mea culpa to the nation and the families of 9/11 confused many people. "Your government failed you. Those entrusted with protecting you...
...Commerce Secretary Donald Evans for criticizing John Kerry for "looking French...
...haven't witnessed anybody apologize for anything since the OG, original George, of the Washington variety, with that whole cherry tree deal, and even then, rumor has it, dad had to pry it out of him with the business end of a blunderbuss...
...We may never know...
...Nobody could pinpoint exactly what happened...
...What we do know is he's just making stuff up...
...Encyclopedias were consulted...
...Richard S. Foster, the accountant who claimed he was threatened with firing or worse if he ever breathed a word of the true cost of the Medicare bill...
...Senator Edward Kennedy for his behavior during the Seventies...
...Brainwashed, hypnotized, or just a venal little weasel with a Napoleonic complex feebly trying to take down the most compassionate Administration in the nation's history with a tapestry of falsehoods, prevarications, and perjurious distortions...
...Those entrusted with protecting you failed you...
...Presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry for sharing the same planet with Jane Fonda...
...Imagine the ugliness that could ensue: Former President Bill Clinton, for, well, you know...
...Pure innocents...
...Senator Trent Lott, just for his hair...
...But now apologies are the rage, and the fabric of our nation is at stake...
...Misled newborn duckies whose only mistake was to trust the mean old info wizards at the CIA, most of whom are treacherous flunkies or Al Qaeda sympathizers...
...Al Gore...
...Former First Lady Barbara Bush for not slapping George around when he was little...
...Condoleezza Rice just for her hair...
...Governor Jeb Bush for his brothers Neil and George...
...Obvious liar...
...Political comic Will Durst apologizes for whatever happened during those inconvenient oil-slicks in his memory...
...Campaigned with his pants afire...
...I failed you...
...Talk show host Larry King for those darn suspenders...
...What the hell was that...
...A dastardly turncoat Democratic mole who betrayed the good people of this country for purely political reasons...
...Residents of D.C...
...Yeah, right, and he smells like a tax cut, too...
...Former anti-terrorism czar Clarke...
...Lying dupe or lying traitor...
...An evildoer whose testimony before the 9/11 Commission is nothing but a grandstanding load of transparent lies in a pitiable attempt to hype sales of his libelous collection of untruths published by a subsidiary of Viacom, which also owns CBS (wink-wink...
...Department of Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, who had the audacity to criticize the Administration in these tenuous times...
...Senator Edward Kennedy for his behavior during the Eighties...
...The lyingest of all...
...Liar...
...Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger for smiling all the damn time...
...Soon folks may be knocking each other down running around the capital apologizing willy nilly into open microphones...
...It sure is easy when you live in a world of good and bad, black and white, and as we all pretty much know but are loath to admit, it's even easier when you're the white...
...One thing you got to say about the Bushies: They sure are consistent...
...Vice President Dick Cheney for running the country, not telling us, and not doing a better job...
...Former President Jimmy Carter for his brother Billy...
...The Capitol was all a-dither...
...Our brave, stalwart President and his loyal band of altruistic acolytes, who ignored the weak, doddering, and senile protestations of the entire Commie Pinko Yellow Rat Bastard World by taking this country into a preemptive war based on charges of weapons of mass destruction that mysteriously never materialized...
Vol. 68 • June 2004 • No. 6
