OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst Tricky Dicks Hey guys, this is Durst with your Alan Greenspan Watch. Following a heavy meal, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly burped yesterday, sending...
...You could hear the Democratic cries: 'Bring Back Al Sharpton.' Just when you thought it couldn't get weirder, Paula Jones has petitioned the court to have President Clinton's genitals examined while aroused...
...A condition affecting men ages forty-five to sixty, whose symptoms include a bent erect penis, is called Peyronie's disease, and is caused by scarring or the build-up of plaque in a cavity in the shaft of the penis...
...She says the unique characteristic she can identify is that his penis was bent while erect...
...Following a heavy meal, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly burped yesterday, sending shivers through Wall Street that nearly brought down several international commodities exchanges...
...Kind of like going to a mall in New Jersey and asking all the women to wear big hair...
...People were attacked for their competence (too much, not too little), for the clothes they wore, and for the speed of their speech...
...Even tried to drag some Buddhist nuns down with him...
...sterile tongue depressor...
...One guy hollered out, "Shut down the Internet" to godknows-who for god-knows-why...
...Here In Alpena, Michigan, big old American cars slam on the brakes to slow down to a reasonable eighty after passing cops In the obvious speed trap everyone knows about...
...Here's the thing about the left—they mean well, they really do...
...Bill Clinton drops his pants and the judge directs the bailiff to read excerpts from Truck Stop Jail Bait II, Incestuously Yours, and Mine and Theirs...
...The whole meeting was, of course, a great success...
...But you would be ignoring the brutal fact that most men down there in their, uh, private sector, are . . . bent...
...Hillary strips down to garter, hose, and bustier to the sound of "I'm Too Sexy...
...He left, after taking one toothpick, a pack of matches, and two mints, an action which experts are now assessing, especially since it was noted he ate only one of the mints...
...I can imagine the scene in court...
...Though I'm sure I join all the Democrats including Richard Gephardt in wishing the second-in-command well in his turn in the spotlight...
...But Greenspan just grunted, which was interpreted as perhaps indicative that lowered expectations are the wave of the future...
...And the motto for the next congress was established: No whining...
...Just soulless...
...Whereas the left is narrowly focused on that tiny sliver of concern known as the fate of the human race...
...At the recent Media and Democracy Congress in New York, people in the alternative press came together from all over the country...
...He then picked at his vegetables, and played soccer with his roll using a napkin as a goal, which led to a run on sports-related stocks...
...Clean and Mother Nature, is responding to these latest problems with all the grace of a bowling ball with corners...
...In New York City, a poll before the election showed Mayor Rudy Giuliani widening his lead over Ruth Messinger to twenty-nine points...
...So, I guess the moral here is: Men, don't forget to floss...
...Two seconds later someone else shouted, "Listen faster...
...Yes, the man who marketed himself like starch—"Or Stiff 'n' Clean"— turns out not to be so soilless...
...But a leveling-off occurred twenty minutes later, when observers were relieved to see Greenspan leaving only an 18 percent tip—a full 1.5 percent less than he left last time—evidence that he was not acceding to labor's increasingly strident demand for a living wage...
...Pie . one with the crosshairs on \XM...
...Right now, Janet Reno is considering appointing a special investigator to investigate the investigation that surrounds the Vice President to see if he breathes through his lungs, or has hidden gills...
...Or maybe they dial 1-800-SPANK-ME on the speaker phone, while a court-appointed photographer's assistant scutters around on his knees with a flashlight and Will Durst is irrationally exuberant...
...Prince Al, the illegitimate child of Mr...
...Actually, it's got something to do with money...
...Especially those with a history of wearing jeans...
...They are only angry and screaming at themselves for their own damn good...
...You could ask, "What is it about the White House that attracts crooked dicks...
...You know what I think...
...I think Clinton's Teflon bill came due, and Gore-boy just got stuck with it...
...This was immediately after his dinner companions at the upscale Midtown Manhattan Bennigan's restaurant seemed disappointed at the size of their portions...
...That ought to keep attendance down...
...In Greenwich Village, some activists handed out fliers encouraging everyone to wear black to protest police brutality...
...The right doesn't fractionalize quite the same way because they have a common interest to protect: the bottom line...
...And all hell broke loose...
...Some day we will all see that...
...A consensus was reached that "media" and "democracy" are not mutually exclusive terms...
...I saw a speaker interrupted by a heckler who yelled out, "Talk slower...
...A brief sell-off was precipitated when the chairman flirted with a waitress, deciphered by more than a few to be a tacit encouragement of the practice of giving part-time employees extended benefits packages...
...Contacts were made, agendas were furthered, and adult amber beverages were drunk...
...It's impossible for them to compromise because they are correct...
Vol. 61 • December 1997 • No. 12
