THE MO BETTER MAN
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst The Mo Better Man In the fight for the ultimate politically correct villains, extraterrestrials are getting the short end of the Hollywood stick this year. Why? Simply...
...fr Reno, Nevada...
...4. Forty-Five-Second Breakfast Sprint...
...So I've come up with the Blue-Collar Decathlon, games in which we all contend...
...8. Tax Day Crunch...
...3. Family of Five Theme Park Weekend for Under $200 Scramble...
...it makes me want to take those five rings and wrap them around the neck of Juan Antonio Samaranch himself...
...Just call him the Mo Better Man...
...and Missoni...
...Lip gloss would be nice...
...The man is obviously in the midst of an identity crisis...
...Apparently Bob missed the Surgeon General's warning that cautions: Will Durst didn 7 think Dole should quit his day job...
...Dole found a way to make smoking hazardous to the Republican Party when he said he didn't know if cigarettes are addictive, which at this late date is similar to NASA throwing in its lot with the Flat Earthers...
...I accuse the makers of Independence Day of wanton stereotyping, rampant prejudice, and extra-terrestrial bashing, and hereby issue the Alien Anti-Defamation League's demands: Our first demand is for a more sophisticated interplanetary visitor wardrobe, something from one of the hot new design houses...
...6. Three-Job Individual Medlev...
...Sometimes you see a sport like baseball or basketball without the help of Industrial Light & Magic...
...Most of us could imagine ourselves contesting with the same grace, speed, and elan as a three-legged armadillo wind surfing...
...Suing the Gay Olympics because they were afraid of losing their copyright is such B.S...
...So far his best stab at it has been, "Bob Dole envisions an America that is different...
...Yes...
...I hated watching the games because the guys who run the Olympics Committee are such spineless slop hogs...
...I'd need a blue screen and animated assistance just to run 100 meters...
...Nuff said...
...Demand number three is filmmakers start focusing on inter-alien relationships...
...Less Kevlar and copper pipes...
...The march on Washington flopped...
...Seeking an anal escape hatch for this misplaced foot, the Senator continued: "We know tobacco is not good for kids, but a lot of things aren't good...
...I loved watching them because of what the intensity did to the athletes...
...It is also common practice to rent your integrity to the highest bidder...
...Phone home," my ass...
...It is totally not fair...
...They stared like they were trying to set fire to the finish line...
...But what could have compared to the Dream Team thrillers squeaking past such formidable foes as Angola with the celebrated Erlander Coimber...
...9. Biting Your Tongue in Front of Your Boss Marathon...
...This is hard to believe, but apparently Bill Clinton thinks just because the government kicked off its modern meat-inspection system a century ago...
...2. Three-Bus Crosstown Transfer Dash...
...Demand number two: Stop with the E.T...
...After a block, everybody was out of breath...
...He's a radical hippie reformer bent on changing things, is what he is...
...Proposing to replace the perfectly good "sniff and poke" method now in place with some so-called "scientific testing...
...0- San Francisco, California, where going into the All Star break, our local boys of summer, the Giants, had lost fifteen of their seventeen games...
...Some would say milk's not good...
...No self-respecting alien wants to be compared to that big-headed, Reese's Pieces-eating, potbellied, bicycle-basket-riding, red-fingered twerp...
...The tobacco industry plans on fighting government regulation with a consumer protest movement...
...Cool the icky factor...
...Retrieving a Corn Cob Holder From the Garbage Disposal Clean and Jerk...
...I had this love/hate relationship with the Olympics...
...A vote for Bob Dole is a vote in favor of our country becoming better, somehow...
...in their defense...
...suddenly now it is in desperate need of an immediate overhaul...
...But we do stuff I'm not sure athletes even understand...
...ft Los Angeles* California, where they regularly sell maps to the stars' homes...
...PAUL CORIO "Close proximity to the money associated with this product may cause you to lose perspective and shove your feel into vour mouth so far your intestines could become pierced by uncut toenails...
...These people were more pumped up than H. Ross Perot in a room full of yes men...
...Besides, can you think of a more effective way to get people to cat healthier than by throwing a wild card like a stack of E. coli burgers into the fast-food mix once in a while...
...OK, so a great number of us normal folk were screwed to the screen watching large men with muscles in places we don't even have places and miniature, elastic-boned aerodynamic women compete in the Olympics...
...5. Day Before Payday Grocery Run...
...Aliens are people, too, you know...
...Detecting contaminated meat by giving it a quick smell as it whips by on a conveyor belt at what meat-packing companies consider a reasonable speed, like Mach 6. sounds like a top-notch method to me...
...Cheap, too...
...c- Reno, Nevada, where new casinos are springing up like mushroom spores on cow chips after a spring rain...
...1. Pouring a Cup of Coffee While It's Still Brewing Freestyle...
...totally ignoring the ninety-year record of semi-success the current system has compiled, is dangerously disruptive, not to mention smacking of pandering to the rich and powerful consumer lobby...
...People who work for a living have mastered events that so far have not received medal status...
...7. Broken Basement Bulb Midnight Obstacle Crawl...
...Bob, but some would also say that very few women nurse their children through naturally implanted smoke nozzles...
...More DKNY...
...maybe...
...His actual new campaign slogan is "Bob Dole: a better man for a better America...
...jokes already...
...Only a couple more losses before these guys are called the Doles...
...Better try to get more specific there, dude...
...To say that Bob Dole has had problems articulating his vision is like intimating that the Antarctica tourist board has been slack in its attempt to attract surfing conventions...
...The man can't even convince himself...
...Demand number four: Nobody can show aliens having blue Jello blood or saliva made out of acid or earwax that takes the rust off of bumpers or any of that weird stuff...
...Bob Dole is totally opposed to our quality of life becoming worse...
...Simply because there's no Alien Anti-Defamation League to vindicate their rights...
Vol. 60 • September 1996 • No. 9
