WELCOME EBOLA!
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst Welcome Ebola! So Unabomber suspect Theodore Kaczynski was turned in by his younger brother Dave. I bet that was a great relationship. "Davey, why can't you be more like...
...Everyone knew after Mira Sorvino won for playing a hooker, the Academy had to have balance, so best actress was going to the nun...
...Yeah, I know...
...Davey, why can't you be more like your older brother Theodore and study harder...
...Yeah, apparently this is the Ebola virus that makes your skin silky smooth to the touch and totally eliminates cellulite...
...No, these lucky primates got the good Ebola...
...We got to get all the candidates to design cute cartoons for the voters to identify with...
...I mean Tasmanian devils, which candidly are far inferior to the Chuck Jones cartoon variety, and spend most of their time sniffing their own butts like runty dogs...
...Melbourne, Australia, where the conservative premier of the state of Victoria has floated a proposal to decriminalize marijuana...
...His teachers say he's a whiz at math...
...In one of the most shameless examples of partisan politics in our nation's history, this self-made millionaire was hounded from office after a mere eighteen terms in Congress...
...A high-ranking U.S...
...People are uncomfortable around him because he's quiet, is all...
...Now call him down for dinner...
...Not like the prejudiced AIDS virus, which only affects those who refuse to accept God's own family values...
...No, I mean wombats, which use their spurs to disembowel dogs...
...Naw, there'd be lawsuits filed faster than you can say "subpoena...
...Forced by unrelenting sinister pressure by supposedly impartial judges to plead guilty to two counts of mail fraud in a political corruption case, he will now waste seventeen months of his productive life in one of our barbaric prisons, giving a whole new ironic spin on term limits...
...No one says you have to vote, you just have to show up...
...If you fail to go to the polls, you Will Durst is confused...
...The city that knows how wows now and how...
...And when you think of it, isn't it time we welcome a truly democratic disease to our shores...
...Then, even if you didn't know the names, you could choose between the intellectual Koala Bear and the stern but wise Draft Horse...
...They have compulsory voting here in Australia...
...Now baby, don't bring that up again...
...Maybe some creative marketing would work...
...This country is going to hell in a handbasket when a great man like this can be crucified in broad daylight, held up to standards of behavior you would expect of ordinary citizens, not the former chairman of the Ways and Means Committee...
...The ACLU would claim it was an infraction on the civil rights of really stubborn people...
...Catatonic sunbathers...
...They also have a carnivorous snail, which raises the immediate question: What do they eat...
...Lame turtles...
...government official with an invested pension and suspect seniority said out loud, in front of professional journalists with microphones, that there's no real problem, because it turns out the monkeys aren't infected with the bad Ebola...
...have to pay a $20 fine...
...It guarantees everyone is part of the process, but we couldn't do that in the United States...
...Among other things, Dan Rostenkowski was charged with placing people on the Congressional payroll who did little or no work...
...Kind of like how postal workers make their living...
...Or is that what we're doing already...
...The Ebola virus has finally made it to the United States via two infected monkeys imported from the Philippines...
...It's a travesty and a sham, I'm telling you...
...Besides, if the worst-case scenario occurs and the Ebola escapes and infects the general population of the United States, you have to admit, it's an impartial malady, affecting polo players and league bowlers alike...
...Oh, honey, you're just jealous...
...All the frogs in biology class jump when he gets near them—even the dissected ones...
...One can only hope his golf game won't suffer, •o San Francisco, where about 100 same-sex couples were married during a civic ceremony overseen by Mayor Willie Brown...
...Admittedly, they do sniff a great butt...
...Good timing, since a couple of his kids were recently caught smoking it...
...To say they have interesting fauna over here is like saying New York has a diverse street life...
...You know they won't let him in gym class anymore since the locker room blew up right after he was picked last in touch football, and he refused to approach the line of scrimmage until the coach agreed a line was infinite and it should be called a line segment...
...They don't drool or twirl or make weird rabid panting noises or anything...
...But there's no reason for us humans to worry...
...Mom, Teddy is a flippo unit of staggering proportions...
...He's going to go on to terrorize millions of people through his obstinate belief that he's right and everybody else is wrong...
...Mom, and the teachers also say he's spookier than a pile of bleached bones behind a stairwell...
...You'd have support groups that claimed it discriminated against the lazy...
...Make sure he douses his lantern and tell him his trigger fuses came in the mail today...
...Really slow rabbits...
...Yes . . . and...
...California, a city that feels sorry for Sharon Stone...
...Los Angeles...
...And I'm not just talking about middle-aged Paul Hogan males who are ravaged with secondary melanoma and still chase after Sheilas thirty years their junior...
...Australia is the only continent on the planet with all three types of mammals: placental, marsupial, and mono-treme...
Vol. 60 • June 1996 • No. 6
