THE LAST HEADLING
Drust, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst The Last Headlines It doesn't matter who runs this country. One thing you can always count on: The rich will rack up serious pool time and the poor won't. Newt's new idea...
...USA Today: How We'll Die...
...6:20 p.m.: Lay off 20 percent of the ad staff...
...I could live with it...
...Just exactly who do we think we are...
...Here are a couple of samples...
...What happens when people realize they don't need an automatic microwave popcorn popper because you can make it on the stove a lot faster, and it doesn't taste like cardboard dipped in drainage water...
...And do not let Perkins put Grey Poupon in back-seat refrigerator...
...That's right, we're the bad guys...
...1:00 p.m.: Trade Rolls for more middle-class-friendly Bentley...
...8:00 p.m.: Dinner with Queen Elizabeth and that good-looking kid of hers...
...A Graph...
...INC.: Chapter 7, ii, or 13...
...Note: Try not to refer to Bobbie Bautista as "a crosseyed liberal mouthpiece...
...Noon: Send consolation bouquet to Brothers to the Rescue...
...10:00 a.m.: Interview with CNN...
...What, are we supposed to stimulate the affluent so they can soak themselves with $200-million bonuses again...
...In this town that probably means 95 percent were able to distinguish between oregano and pot...
...The New Rulers...
...11:00 a.m.: Interview with Wall Street Journal...
...6:00 p.m.: Write editorial for Forbes magazine on how the poor and unemployed are bleeding this country dry...
...Remind Missy to refuse all calls from John DuPont...
...How dare we...
...3:00 p.m.: Interview with KIDS TV network...
...People: Armageddon...
...11:00 a.m.: Interview with Soldier of Fortune magazine...
...Cosmopolitan: Thirty Seductive Ways to Gain Entrance to a Secure Bunker...
...8:00 a.m.: Squash lesson...
...New Fiance Missing...
...Note: Try and hold head still...
...Add a note to the effect that their comrades will not have died in vain if it helps me get elected...
...Note: Let Uncle Bernard win, then suggest attorney he can hire to alter his will...
...Well, I mean, sure, you'd be melancholy for lots of other reasons, like the slow grisly demise of neighbors, friends, you, me\ But for those who must read the news, I am presenting a list of the last headlines we are destined not to see: The New York Times: Billions Perish...
...Playboy: The Girls of Ground Zero...
...Noon: Send consolation bouquet to Elizabeth Taylor...
...Field and Stream: Are You Man Enough for the Sixty-Pound, Four-Eyed Pike...
...Sounds like a pilot for Fox...
...Picks and Pans...
...9:00 p.m.: Jammie time...
...Now that it's all over, Steve Forbes and Pat Buchanan are publishing their respective campaign diaries...
...Long Islanders Delayed...
...7:00 a.m.: Interview with Financial News Will Durst was a cabana boy once...
...6:00 p.m.: Write editorial for National Review on how people with surnames that end in -stein are bleeding this country dry...
...GQ: Refugee Chic...
...Keep hands away from bars...
...That's seventy-eight cents for every man, woman, and child in America...
...Livermore, California, where two paramedics have been suspended for trying to market trading cards with grisly photos of battered corpses...
...The consumer price index comes out and it's only up 0.2 percent, which in financial circles is considered a drop...
...3:00 p.m.: Interview with KIDS TV network...
...5 National Enquirer: Liz Falls Off DrSr...
...Time: Is Heaven Real...
...8:00 a.m.: Toss raw meat to volunteers...
...o San Francisco, where S percent of our transit employees failed drug tests...
...Remind Gunter to refuse calls from Tom Metzger...
...We gotta lower capital-gains taxes in order to stimulate the wealthy...
...Clinton Calls for Caution...
...Newsweek: The Other Side...
...I want my seventy-eight cents back...
...No goofy laughing...
...What is going through our tiny little minds, when voluminous government studies prove that saving up for a rainy day just means we're going to get wet...
...Black Enterprise: Why O.J...
...Remember...
...Probably midget immigrant-relief organizers...
...And you weren't able to see how your favorite periodical covered the end of civilization as we know it...
...Make sure bullet-proof plating is triple strength...
...Michael Eisner, the head of Disney, gave himself a $200-million bonus a while back...
...Make her understand it was CBS and nobody saw it anyway...
...Again...
...New York Post: Mideast Missing...
...Buchanan: 6:00 a.m.: Practice saying "The elite media is out to get us" without laughing...
...You know, I'm starting to think maybe we should focus less on raising the minimum wage and more on lowering the maximum wage...
...Remind Gunter to refuse all calls from Vladimir Zhirinovsky...
...Be careful, these children are crafty...
...Probably midget union organizers...
...Why, then we'd need to buy more potholders...
...Rolling Stone: The End of Lolla-palooza...
...7:00 a.m.: Interview with Aryan Nations Network...
...Remind Missy to refuse all calls from Bill Gates...
...With that kind of money I could...
...National Geographic: Fungi...
...Flat tax is 17 percent, not 170 percent...
...Of course, then you run the risk of all those cabana boys going tipless...
...Newt's new idea of how to get the country really moving...
...Have Hans pretty it up...
...Be careful, these children are crafty...
...Remind Missy to refuse all calls from Warren Buffett...
...Vogue: This Summer Break through in Burlap...
...10:00 a.m.: Interview with CNN...
...Election Fever: Catch itl So let me get this straight...
...Did they ever think about that...
...1:00 p.m.: Trade in Ford for Humves...
...Forbes: 6:00 a.m.: Practice saying "Hope, Growth, and Opportunity" until it doesn't sound rehearsed...
...9:00 p.m.: Knock off a couple of quick chapters of sequel to The Turner Diaries, then hit the red, white, and blue hay...
...Denver, Colorado, where they were so excited about their primary election, the Denver Post didn't even bother mentioning it on the front page the next day...
...Maybe we have everything we need...
...6:20 p.m.: Abduct and reeducate 20 percent of the ad staff...
...8:00 p.m.: Dinner with razor-wire manufacturers...
...It seems the economy may be in deep trouble because apparently we're not buying enough new stuff...
...Knicks Lose Again...
...What Gives...
...Remind Gunter to refuse all calls from Larry Pratt...
...Here's a frightening thought: What if suddenly, without warning, a worldwide five-alarm nuclear holocaust broke out...
...Is Innocent...
...I don't know, make three phone calls or something...
...Network...
Vol. 60 • May 1996 • No. 5
