AMPHETAMINE-DIPPED FIELD MICE
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst Amphetamine-Dipped Field Mice The Bob Dole campaign is desperately trying to retrofit the Kansas Senator's image. I guess his appearance as National Crypt Keeper with that...
...We can provide expert testimony that in the two social-studies papers titled '"Tennessee Valley Authority: The Swing Years...
...Bob, but I'm not sure all of us want to take a trip to the mortician for a quick make-over and a shot of embalming fluid...
...Poor Bob Dole...
...Cover me...
...The men in the contamination suits seem to be getting their second wind, and should be done in time for the next primary in the year 2000...
...Honey, it doesn't matter if vou're indicted...
...We have a handwriting man working on it now...
...Bill Clinton, turned to Hillary and said...
...Pat Buchanan saddled up and headed toward the Mexican border to hire some illegal aliens to build his 300-foot security fence from the southern side...
...the conclusions are almost word-for-word and no less than seven prepositional phrases bear remarkable similarities...
...PAUL CORIO gether like popsicles and duct tape...
...Oakland, California, where freeway sniping is back in vogue: Honey, I'm going to change lanes...
...It's a reason to live...
...In her new book...
...After New Hampshire, the remaining boys were still scurrying around like amphetamine-dipped field mice trying to convince us they should be our Commander-in-Chief...
...And until girls reach the age of sixteen, the outfitting of chastity belts by public schools is to be mandatory Can't wait for her next book: It Takes an Election-Year Conversion to Parade Around in an Apron...
...Davenport, Iowa, where the local newspaper, the Quad City Times, doesn't print the TV log after I 1:30 because decent people are in bed by that time, you pervert...
...To: the Right Honorable Al D'Amato...
...Does she mean that because she and Bill have slogged through fifteen miserable years, everybody should suffer as well'' Hell, Hill, why stop there'.' Divorces should be made illegal, and kids who party when their parents are out of town ought to be beaten with switches cut from trees in the backyard...
...since the students have better weapons...
...Phil Gramm, as the first candidate to drop out of the Republican race, probably will not be charged for leaving the scene of an accident, but he could be...
...And in the dead of winter, they're happy to have one...
...Can't wait for opening day, when our eighteen-year-old rookie will take the mound...
...A highly placed inside source has uncovered evidence that in the last vear Chelsea has borrowed homework from a classmate on at least two...
...Two days later he was twenty-seven...
...I wonder if that means we get to cheat on our taxes as well...
...Of course, Bob Dole and excitement go toWill Durst is a sensitive Pisces...
...If the guy is going to lose, at least let him have the dignitv of doing it wearing comfortable clothes...
...Steve Forbes desperately tried to trick Al Gore into imparting his closely held charisma secrets...
...Bob Dornan decided he was determined to stay and eat a raw moose whole...
...Alan Keyes began furiously beating the bushes, trying to see if the eight people who voted for him have relatives in other states...
...What's this, the fourth time he's tried to crack the Granite State, and four times the collective cry of ". . . enh . . ." has resounded...
...The excitement at his 1-percent-away party was what you call tepid...
...Hillary Rodham Clinton argues that it's too easy to get a divorce these days...
...The stock campaign speech, "I'm ready to lead and I know where to go," is nice...
...Here a liberal is someone who wants to execute death-row prisoners one at a time...
...If the guy had been any more wooden, splinters would have sprouted from his forehead...
...Takes a Village to Raise a Child, but Only One Scalv Venomous Senator From New York to Defame an Entire Nation...
...This one is a lock...
...I guess his appearance as National Crypt Keeper with that State of the Union response didn't win over anybody except the National Accountants Union...
...Now the Giants have signed a Cuban pitcher who was twenty-nine...
...Is there such a thing as reverse taxidermy0 I Lamar Alexander held bake sales, delivered papers, and took in laundry in an attempt to raise money...
...C" Bedford, New Hampshire, where the media residue is being hosed down as we speak...
...According to The New York Times, the "Let Dole Be Dole" forces are fighting with the "Let Dole Win" guys, who want to soften Bob's persona...
...Proponents were celebrating all over the state: prosthetics manufacturers, organ-donor banks, ambulance services—everybody- In the same session, conservative California legislators were defeated in their effort to get paddles back in the classroom...
...Dole is as cuddly as a stainless-steel teddy bear...
...Hey, there's ants in here...
...But remember, no matter what the pundits say, it ain't over till the lady from the National Association for the Advancement of White People sings...
...if not more, occasions...
...Indianapolis, Indiana, where basketball is more than a religion...
...Can't you imagine him at the Republican National Convention in San Diego getting short-sheeted by the Mexican maids...
...Bob Dole headed for Arizona to campaign and check out retirement villages while he was there...
...Teachers came out against it...
...The California Assembly repealed the state's motorcycle-helmet law...
...The winner with 27 percent of the vote, Pat Buchanan, says his policy is America First, but a lot of us are afraid his first Oval Office action will be to annex Poland...
...Red ants...
...Willie Brown, the new mayor of San Francisco, told reporters...
...Morry Taylor bought the house another round...
...That's his charm...
...Memo: from the Elite Republican Armev...
...Manchester, New Hampshire, a state with about a million people and no sales tax or income tax...
...Richard Lugar had staff check his pulse at regular intervals...
...Also, she has skipped gym three times in the last month, and her locker contains three glossy photos of television actor George Clooney, including one that has a bulge drawn in ink on the crotch along with the words, "woo...
...I don't know what they think they're going to do: turn the guy into a frothy sock puppet with button eyes...
...And the President...
...Everybody lies on their resumes...
Vol. 60 • April 1996 • No. 4
