IT'S PARTY TIME
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst It's Party Time Hey. government's broke, everybody. Stay home. You know. I'm thinking if we're so broke, maybe we should start acting like we're broke. When families go...
...It's time to get under the hood, check the belts, and prime the fuel pump with elbow grease...
...Your mileage may differ...
...Just to prove it...
...August 9: It is unanimously approved...
...April 1: Lewd pictures are posted on the web site of a Christian Coalition mouthpiece...
...February 19: Pat Buchanan personally chases an illegal alien back across the border...
...Ted Kop-pel sadly shakes his head, but his hair refuses to move...
...Take a second job...
...First they should focus on the tourists...
...October 20 and 26: In an unusual move, no Presidential candidate peEpn" ally appears at the debates...
...He is never heard from again...
...They're the only ones who can afford to go there anyhow...
...July 4: At a barbecue in a Southern swing state, a candidate's wife gets noticeably queasy after standing too close to the goat spit...
...July 21: The Democrats floata platform outline that endorses good and condemns bad...
...Lease the Hawaiian Islands to Japan...
...August 14: At the Republican National Convention, the conservative wing accuses the nominee of selling out the party...
...We're as resilient to the whole format as fourth-generation cockroaches are to watered-down Raid...
...Later, the Salvation Army is inundated with shoes...
...August 26: At the Democratic National Convention, the liberal wing accuses the nominee of selling out the party...
...He is never heard from again...
...You save money on electricity, repairs, and medical insurance, since people tend to have heart attacks and not linger...
...February 15: On a Larry King Live candidate forum in Cedar Rapids, one of the candidates states that it's time to treat the American public as responsible adults and Will Durst thinks Hillary is a congenital lawyer...
...We're great cops, maybe we could double as security guards at international frat parties...
...Turn off the lights...
...His poll figures rise appreciably...
...Clip and save...
...Surely we can squeeze a couple of million more air miles out of our old B-ls...
...July 22: Because of pressure from special interests, the platform is watered down...
...Put a sign on the Statue of Liberty, Will Work for Wheat...
...August 9: The Republican platform outline proposes hunting the homeless as food...
...Rent your vacation property...
...To save costs, we should use candles and shut down all the elevators in federal buildings...
...April 30: H. Ross Perot announces he is entering the race...
...April 29: A New York Times poll shows 40 percent of Americans see a need for a third party...
...A challenger smirks, "Let's leave Japan out of this...
...And we could advertise...
...August 30: H. Ross Perot buys Wyoming and secedes...
...June 1: H. Ross Perot says he has videotapes of the CIA replacing his morning coffee with freeze-dried Fol-gers Crystals, and drops out...
...The spin doctors conveniently.fr0' vide said questions in order to facilpte the process...
...All dates are approximate...
...February 13: H. Ross Perot says, "It's time to take out the trash, clean out the barn, and hose down the pigs...
...I compiled a calendar of what we habitual taxpayers can expect in the coming year...
...Wax up those puppies in the driveway some Saturday afternoon, and we're set for sorties o'plenty...
...Reporters stare at him like a dog trying to learn how to play chess...
...offers a comprehensive outline to reduce the deficit through a national program of shared sacrifice...
...Besides, it's square...
...June 20: A flag factory in New Jersey bans all photo-ops by Presidential aspirants in a desperate attempt to get some work done...
...February 18: In a freak winter thaw, millionaire career politicians emerge from limos to wade through muddy Iowa fields in tasseled loafers and $3,000 suits, expressing their solidarity with struggling farmers...
...November 5: The public stays 0*1 from the polls in droves, rationalizing^' if voting were actually effective, it ^d have been made illegal by now...
...We have to get creative, people...
...May 1: A New York Times poll shows 43 percent of Americans see a need for a fourth party...
...Work their way down the ugly tree...
...Send in your downsizing suggestions...
...Who would notice...
...Chicago police-van drivers express disgust...
...First thing we got to do is stop buying new stuff...
...San Francisco, California, where a group called 'San Francisco Beautiful' is complaining about the utility boxes...
...February 12: In an attempt to promote their common-man themes, candidates beat each other up to gather contributors to their grassroots...
...A Republican aide is admitted to intensive care with a severe case of red, white, and blue poisoning...
...August 12: H. Ross Perot says, "The deficit is like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs," and is officially back in...
...10,000-a-plate fund-raising dinners...
...February 21: The day after the New Hampshire primary, the third runner-up holds a press conference claiming a moral victory, while behind him his staff weeps openly...
...When families go through bad times, they resort to desperate measures and so should the family that is the United States...
...However, ffieir spin doctors give detailed answers as to how the candidates might have respond if asked a particular question in a certain way...
...Hard to believe, but we are back at the beginning of another election year...
...San Diego cab drivers express disgust...
...Hell, we could pawn Wyoming...
...September: Absolutely nothing happens in September and is reported uponat great length...
...May 15: On a Sunday morning news show, the vice-presidential front runner defends his foreign policy by intimating that the richest country in the world determines the global agenda...
...March 25: H. Ross Perot says...
...November 6: The losing party's vice-presidential nominee calls the elections statistical aberration and fires the opening shot kicking off campaign 2000...
...Let us pray...
...Why do we need brand-new billion-dollar B-2 fighters...
Vol. 60 • March 1996 • No. 3
