OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst The Burger Chief France announced yesterday that it will resume an active role in NATO's military affairs after an absence of nearly three decades. All right! Now the world...
...Nooo...
...Did he defect...
...They decided taking ticklish stands that risk alienating potential constituents is far too dicev—the best way to proceed is to retail a new message...
...Gramm: the conservative alternative to Dole...
...He/I...
...We Got One Black Guy...
...Like Perot's Parly...
...Democrat Nation...
...Blackhawk, California, where the East Bay municipal utilities district has been getting rate complaints from people using 2,100 gallons of water per month...
...We Got Our Mojo Working...
...Our Mojo Is Indeed Working Overtime...
...More than Rush Lim-baugh...
...to make the President look Presidential...
...Was he mistakenly embalmed and placed in a control coffin...
...Clinton said...
...it's not that he has a problem with women in government, as long as they're graduates of the Citadel...
...And We Don't Care...
...More Than the Clintons...
...People, our Number Two is missing, And nobody cares...
...The New Republican Party...
...Did he die...
...Obviously, Phil is trying to convince us that Bill's next plan is to go abroad to study...
...waiting for (he Bat Signal to return...
...Must have broken the kids' hearts to see all those tiny bottles of Jagermelster get confiscated...
...His biggest problem is failure to communicate...
...The Democrats...
...Where the Parlv is You...
...Or maybe it's just me...
...Only Different...
...Our mission will be clear, limited, and achievable...
...Now all we need is a speech explaining his speech...
...o san Francisco, California, where you can't walk four steps without running into a S3 cookie shop...
...Like Perot's Party...
...Fresh and Def...
...u here's mvpie'" Democratic National Committee leaders recently met with Madison Avenue advertising executives to explore new ways to market the Democratic Party...
...The Republicans...
...You know what Bill Clinton's biggest problem is...
...Yeah...
...Republican Nation...
...A D i s n e v Group...
...who is questioning the authority of a draft dodger to ship troops overseas...
...Clinton gambled his Presidency by preempting Melrose Place to give a speech explaining why the United States is sending 20,000 troops on a peacekeeping mission to the country formerly known as Yugoslavia...
...We Don't Feel Your Pain...
...You watch, it'll turn out Mrs...
...Deaf and Dumh...
...Hey yah, the French are back...
...The Republican Party...
...The Republican Party...
...So far everybody has jumped on the red...
...These guvs can't even keep the buses running and they're jumping in to counsel us...
...Yesss...
...Do not be alarmed...
...white, and blue bandwagon except Phil Gramm...
...We Don't Just Feel Your Pain...
...We're Going...
...Check under the couch cushions...
...The French are back and there's going to be trouble...
...Run GOP...
...Hey yah...
...Which means what...
...Where the Party Is Us...
...The Democrats...
...We Ain't Going Nowhere...
...Here are a few slogans they might consider...
...how would you tell...
...I mean besides the fact that he looks like a Burger King manager who loves his work...
...May I See Your imitation...
...This isn't funny, people, we need the Vice President to...
...Only Different...
...The Democratic Party...
...Noon...
...Do we realty want to wander into this minefield with pneumatic jackhammers...
...We're Responsible for a (iood Portion of It...
...We'll pick up a couple of Christmas Hummels and head home...
...The Republicans...
...The National Park Service estimated it at two inches...
...When Bad Things Happen to Good People...
...Fields is responsible for Epstein-Barr disease...
...The New Republicans...
...So does that mean they're going to be a major player in the Bosnian peacekeeping mission...
...Dem Denis...
...Did he disappear...
...Not Na/is Ycl...
...Now the world can relax...
...Lven If You Aren't Coming...
...Got to taper off watering the rock garden, dahling...
...Those Darn Democrats...
...unh...
...Almost...
...Where's my puxc "I pie...
...Dal GOP...
...These guys got to start handing out study plans or Cliff Notes or something...
...Well, does it mean they'll continue to nuke the piss out of the South Pacific and hog the cheese travs at NATO conventions...
...And if so...
...I have placed a number of Al Gore's pictures on milk cartons...
...I don't mean to be an alarmist, but there hasn't been anAl Gore sighting since the Rabin funeral...
...Maybe an overeager Clinton campaign strategist worried about the President being upstaged and exiled Al to a lumber \ard where he has cleverly posed as a slack of unfinished pine two-bv-fours...
...Run DNC...
...Phil Gramm was shocked, and demanded to know exactly when they received the right to vole...
...When Good Things Happen to Bad People...
...San Francisco, California, where a group of drunk Santas running amuck were taken into custody at Macy's...
...Perhaps this is simply his way of being the ultimate environmentalist, not allowing any trees to die and be used as newsprint for updates on his Rotary Club Award receptions...
...Has anybody seen the Vice President recently...
...When it was recently announced that Bob Dole had received the endorsement of a Republican women's group...
...Maybe the reason the Cold War never escalated was because the French were busy burning Gauloises and tear-gassing students...
...After having proposed a series of new and improved slogans for the Democrats and immeasurably helping them to recapture Congress next year, we here at Durstco are alarmed at being thought responsible lor altering the balance of power, and hereby pitch these recommendations for new phrases to reinvigorate the Republicans...
...San Francisco, California, where during the mayoral-runoff debate, challenger Willie Brown said we need a 'full narquatics squad.' This city must be in bad shape if we have an underwater drug problem...
...We're Responsible for a (iood Portion of It...
...fr Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where according to the National Weather Service, about twelve inches of snowftfi today...
...Look inj the basement behind the garden trowels, Give a peek behind the lint catcher in the dryer...
...A lot of Democrats running in 1996 are hoping this is true—and that when Bill talks about unavoidable casualties, he isn't referring to them...
...H7// Durst's new slogan is...
...The New Democratic Party...
...The Democratic Party...
...Well, does it mean they're going to adopt a position of authority in worldwide military strategies...
...Not Republican Yet...
Vol. 60 • February 1996 • No. 2
