OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst Heights of Chutzpah During the Persian Gulf war, U.S. commanders sheltered themselves behind special filters while telling their troops to disregard all reports of toxic...
...Yeah, right...
...Ten days advance notice and he never released the results...
...Girls' fast-pitch moms: Clinton...
...In a related story, the Presidio Park's financing is being threatened by inclusion in a bill that would allow logging in the Tongass National Park in Alaska...
...David Duke sponsors Cotton Club reunion...
...But please leave them outside the command tent...
...Myst moms, wired, 2800 baud: heavily Clinton...
...Vegan moms: Nader...
...Maybe they meant some other kind of a drug test...
...Exit polls showed that bocce-ball moms didn't carry much weight in the elections...
...You know, the ones about the weird blue cloud we saw last night that made all those birds fly funny...
...Yeah, government officials taking drug tests...
...We heard all election season about "socWill Durst wishes every year were an election year...
...I remember back during those halcyon days of "Just Say No," when Ronald Reagan led the way by taking his own drug test...
...commanders sheltered themselves behind special filters while telling their troops to disregard all reports of toxic clouds...
...Craps moms, halter tops, high heels, sequins: Dole...
...Who are you going to trust...
...Kevorkian franchises, or Jim Carey signing to do a Cable Guy sequel...
...San Francisco supervisor Tom Ammiano wants to license sex clubs and Include a requirement for the health department to perform on-site monitoring...
...General Dynamics Smart Bomb Thrill Cruise: Be shot from the deck of a U.S...
...Simpson as keynote speaker for its awards dinner...
...What's next...
...o san Francisco, California, has decided to wait for 'clarification* of the new welfare overhaul before taking action on legal immigrants...
...Kind of like a Mideast slumber party...
...Nuclear-physicist moms: Carter...
...All the pomp with none of that sticky circumstance...
...General Electric's Money Hurl: Groups of five people throw bales of money over a retaining wall and the closest to the bonfire wins...
...That must have been one hell of a briefing...
...Do not, I repeat, do not break the airlock seals...
...Nobody said nothing, except President Clinton, of course, but shutting him up is like trying to cap a gushing hydrant with a mayonnaise-jar lid...
...Think of the attractions...
...Then we'll shoot them...
...The Supreme Court is considering the "right to die," which as far as I can tell, either involves Dr...
...Dying lung-cancer victims encourage kids to buy chaw...
...Or what if they all came but acted like zombies on Thorazine...
...The Hughes Aircraft Moral Swamp Cafe: A quaint little place overlooking the bay where invited guests toss scraps to the park's employees in lieu of salary...
...Hooked-on-Phonics moms: Dole...
...Some commie grad students or trained U.S...
...Here's my thought: What if the Pentagon didn't let go of the Presidio but turned it into a military-based theme park...
...Trench coats optional...
...Please turn in all your unopened MREs that have bubbles or are covered in foam...
...personnel...
...Pigeon-poisoning-in-the-park moms: Dole...
...Frisbee-golf moms, Patchouli, pot, lice: heavily Clinton...
...People from all over the world would flock just for a glimpse of the bloated bureaucracy that destroyed Communism...
...Survivors of the Titanic testify in print ads for movable deck chairs...
...Mad Dog 20/20 moms: Dole...
...Please pay no attention to this weird-looking suit...
...Militias of Montana (MOM) moms: Browne...
...Classic example of adding insult to injury...
...National Organization for Women chooses O.J...
...How else can we really tell how accurate the polls are...
...First of all, I want to shoot down those ridiculous rumors being spread by Czechoslovakian chemical-warfare specialists...
...What if they gave a peace conference and nobody came...
...Faberge-egg moms: Forbes...
...Or maybe the boys just decided to use the ugly situation in Israel as an excuse to ditch the ladies and get together for a few beers and some cards...
...Last year McDonnell Douglas charged the U.S...
...In a show of chutzpah that has most of Tel Aviv gagging, California's Republican Party used videotaped excerpts from Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech in its $2 million Proposition 209 ad blitz, to promote doing away with affirmative action...
...Flag-football moms, a lot like soccer moms with larger orthodonture bills, went for Clinton...
...Nitro-fueled, funny-car moms, white, old people and their parents: Dole...
...Air Force $2,187 for each C-17 airplane hinge even though the original price charged by the subcontractor was only $30...
...Oh, that's right, they all are...
...Either the peace summit was supposed to be subtitled and the translator fell asleep, or it was presented as a mime version of a peace conference...
...Polo moms went heavily for Dole...
...There was a Mideast peace summit at the White House recently, but it was the quietest peace summit ever...
...Some kind of racist thing implying minorities don't play soccer...
...carrier right into the lobby men's room of the Pyongyang Hilton...
...Dismissed...
...cer moms," who I guess are supposed to be middle-aged, white, suburban housewives...
...The Court also agreed to decide a case from Georgia that requires political candidates to pass a drug test...
...Super Mario moms, old-fashioned, VCR still blinks 12:00: Dole...
...Madonna-impersonator moms: Clinton...
...In Colma, California, there are so many cemeteries, the dead outnumber the living by a factor of 1,000-to-one...
...All right, Mr...
...This year the live ones are voting on whether to tax each gravesite $5 a year...
...Gingrich, can you 41 please tell us which of the samples is home-grown Indiana Gold, and which is the primo Sensimilla skunk weed...
...It's arcVays great to get to November, Just to reaffirm how important it Is to vote...
...You caught me in the middle of my, uh, beekeeping maintenance...
...Good morning, troops...
...Just ignore those worry warts...
...In which case, it was immensely successful...
...Hell, Keith Richards could have passed that test...
Vol. 60 • December 1996 • No. 12
