SMALL FAVORS
Ivins, Molly
SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins BobDole in the Mosh Pits So far, my favorite week of the campaign was when BobDole (Bob Dole's wife calls him BobDole, his friends call him BobDole, and he calls himself...
...Sometimes parochial schools were staffed by teaching priests as well, but mostly we're talking nuns...
...One important difference between public and parochial schools is what is known in the trade as "cherry-picking...
...But not much...
...In other words, they didn't get paid...
...Roofs leak, toilets don't work, kids aren't learning, violence in the halls—a disaster area...
...About one-third what public-school teachers make...
...Those of you who read the Catholic press know that nuns leaving in droves is almost a standing headline...
...Even thirty years ago, the American Catholic Church had to import nuns from the Auld Sod...
...But instead of proposing that we fix these inner-city schools, as Kozol and others have, our intrepid journalist repairs just a few blocks away and finds a Catholic school, where—lo and behold— the kids wear uniforms, behave well, learn at least more than they do in the neighboring public schools, and seldom stab one another...
...SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins BobDole in the Mosh Pits So far, my favorite week of the campaign was when BobDole (Bob Dole's wife calls him BobDole, his friends call him BobDole, and he calls himself BobDole) went moshing into the crowd off a campaign platform in California...
...Or, as we say in the family newspapers, a distinguishing genital characteristic...
...Syphilis...
...These critical questions being raised by the Watchdog of Democracy came about when BobDole released his medical records in nausorating detail...
...We all know the President has allergies, but he spared us the finer points of his postnasal drip...
...But they do not take seriously mentally or physically handicapped students, and they can kick out troublemakers far more easily than can a public school...
...Cancer...
...One of my favorite developments in recent months is the romanticiza-tion of Catholic schools...
...This is a President who let us know( when he got an ingrown pimple on his neck and told us he prefers boxers to briefs, so we know he's not hiding much...
...Another difference: The Catholic school system has depended largely on nuns...
...BobDole takes Metamucil four times a day...
...For some reason, the appeal of Catholic schools is especially strong for those who never went to them...
...But that didn't deter your political press corps...
...In Texas, we always call him the Pope o' Rome, lest you might confuse him with some other Pope.V...
...Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star- Telegram...
...You know the form: Some journalist actually ventures into an inner-city ghetto to find, just as Jonathan Kozol and others have been reporting for years, that the schools are a mess...
...That BobDole is a with-it guy...
...We don't need to know that...
...That's why Catholic schools could educate children for less money...
...Reporters don't mention that Catholic schools are declining: Although the Catholic population has grown, parochial-school attendance is down from about 3 million in 1985 to 2.6 million in 1994, and many parochial schools have been forced to close...
...Isn't that just the most amazing thing...
...Next, Bill Clinton released his medical records, but not in such excruciating detail...
...By 1996, that was down to 89,125...
...But the Catholic Church has had this problem: It's hemorrhaging nuns...
...MATS!' Losing priests is also a problem for the Church, but the nun dropout rate is more dramatic...
...I don't want to get into causes here: feminism, economics, secularism, or as BobDole would say, whatever...
...In any case, nuns are increasingly being replaced by lay teachers, who have to be paid...
...But it's no secret American Catholics are having theological differences with the Pope o' Rome...
...And (this is always included as the astonishing part) the Catholic schools spend less per student than the public schools...
...It was a proud week for us all...
...Meantime, the entire political press corps was obsessed with the President's peter...
...A sexually transmitted disease...
...Nuns who had taken vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience...
...Well, no...
...True, many fine Catholic schools such as St...
...Has he got a hook on his dick, a crook in his weenie...
...According to the Official Catholic Directory for 1986, there were 113,658 nuns in America...
...This led the press corps to demand, "What's he hiding...
...It's not...
...Elizabeth's in Chicago, which benefits from large charitable grants, draw from the same socioeconomic class as the surrounding public schools...
Vol. 60 • November 1996 • No. 11
