UNPLUGGED

...Clinton is a humorist...

...In that same article, Eileen McGann, Morris's one family value, said that when it comes to Dick, she has been thinking about dismemberment...

...Sure, sure, we could blame it on Dick's wife {otherwise known as his mistress of eight years), but I think it best if we leave her out of it, especially after her remarks in the Newsweek feature on adultery, the one after the one on testosterone patches for men...

...Just say I was on to something...

...He's well connected and cable-ready to be Clinton's best friend and then worst enemy...

...Back in the springtime of smaller films, I thought I spotted a trend...

...Now I can link that trend to Dick Morris, the rise in the popularity of cigars, and the Defense of Marriage Act...

...That's what I call triangula-tion...

...smoke 'em, compare sizes, watch women with them in their mouths, even have their own magazines about them with Excalibur centerfolds...

...Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, and Clinton signed , on...

...Good cover, fellas...

...But they still ain't satisfied...

...How else to explain their recent popularity...

...It's no October Surprise theory, but if someone finds me in a bathtub in some southern motel, dead from an overdose of antihistamines, please don't say it was suicide...

...His excuse for bad behavior is a bar-hopping mother who left him every day in front of a TV...

...After all, when two guys are from a failed marriage, it can be twice as bad.B...

...Celtic Pride—When the Boston Celtics get into a seventh playoff game with the Utah Jazz, Dan Akroyd and a friend (also of a crumbled marriage) get the star player of the Jazz drunk and then kidnap him, all to help their beloved team win...

...ried the old-fashioned way, it doesn't work and often results in obsession, fanaticism, danger, and pathology...

...But gay marriage is not the way to go, anyway...

...When you try to make straight men who love other straight men get marKate "Did someone say Bobbin...

...Even when he was with Sherry Rowlands, he was on the phone with his Bill...

...I guess people were saving up to see the White House get blown up by a giant hockey puck or Tom Cruise dangled from a harness...

...The trend might have gone undetected because the three movies—The Fan, Celtic Pride, and The Cable Guy—were so un-watched...

...I say this theory explains why the Promise Keepers are so hot, why football helmets have face masks (so they can't kiss), why there's no rust on Robert Bly's Iron John...

...Can I get my own think tank for this...

...Which brings me to cigars...

...Amid all this...

...Guys get together and chomp 'em...

...Distraught, Gil becomes obsessed with a highly paid baseball player...

...You've come the wrong way, baby...

...When he is asked by a customer, played by Matthew Brod-erick, to install free cable service, Chip tries to extort friendship as payment with the warning, "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy...

...For those of you who missed them, here they are in three nutshells: The Fan—Robert DeNiro stretches and plays a crazy guy, this time Gil, a knife salesman whose marriage falls apart...

...The article actually stated that ).D...

...When the player goes into a batting slump, Gil becomes, well, fanatic about him, will do and does anything if it will help get him back in the groove...

...Enter Dick Morris, longtime fan of the Celtic president, ready to do anything to stop him from slumping, even kidnap issues from the other team if it will help his man win...

...KING the increase in adultery is caused not by testosterone speedballing but by more women in the workplace...

...Each plot line, and I use the term very loosely, suggests that the motive for mayhem is wife or mother, but I think the motive has less to do with women and more to do with the unrequited love many straight men have for other straight men...

...The Cable Guy—Jim Carrey plays Chip, the title role...