OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst Vicious Weasels At his first inauguration. Bill Clinton said his cabinet was going to reflect America. And it does, with one exception—they all have jobs. Yeah, yeah, I...
...Men, always men...
...It's Not Your Father's Shot and a Beer...
...Imagine Damn Yankees without the Bronx Bombers...
...We Love to Fry and It Shows...
...It's only fun to crush them when they're good...
...All right, an interception...
...Let's raise the bar and demand more of our intoxicated dairyland exhibitionists...
...fr In Columbia, South Carolina, the University of South Carolina Gamecocks are holding their annual 'Cockiest.* Probably a lot different event than it would be in San Francisco...
...Hopefully with Michael Irvin back from his five-game suspension for possession of cocaine and consorting with prostitutes, we'll have something worth rooting against again...
...He's the guy who refused to debate Dick Lamm for the Reform Party nomination, and now he's crying foul...
...Except for the cheeseheads...
...Coincidence...
...Ended up rooting for whoever had the ball...
...San Francisco, California, is enjoying the best weather of the year, and don't tell the tourists...
...Last year when the two faced each other in the playoffs, I was more confused than a tiny truffle pig wandering around Paul Prudhomme's intestines...
...The Badger State is a great place to grow up and an even better place to leave after you've grown up...
...I don't see what his problem is...
...The bipartisan Commission on Presidential Debates told Ross Perot that he should take a flying leap off a short plank into a deep ravine of vicious weasels, and the billionaire is squeaking and hollering and stamping his little feet...
...It's no secret that America's industrial job base is disappearing faster than free beer at a frat party...
...And in order to raise a family, you better have five of them...
...It's the New Degeneration...
...are...
...Most of us traitorous transplants rekindle fond memories every time we see our native sod on the TV...
...It had to have been just one of a large group of potential candidates, and if that's the winner, ooh, I'd hate to see the losers...
...That's right, we're paying them to export our jobs, which is like hens giving foxes research grants for midnight raid studies...
...Sobriety-impaired men, with bare chests and large bellies, wearing bright yellow triangular slabs of Styrofoam perched on their heads...
...But always, always, I have hated the Dallas Cowboys more than nylon stockings detest glass-top coffee tables with un-beveled corners...
...Entire wheels of real cheese...
...It's more embarrassing than your mother driving you to the prom...
...Old Ross, whenever he gets upset, his ears get all red and stand out, so right now he looks like a crimson Volkswagen with the front doors open...
...We Die Harder...
...But when they started the season this year with one win and three losses, it was sad...
...Or cows...
...Truly, they are America's team...
...I suffered through a 2-and-14 season with the Niners, and ever since the Green and Gold won Super Bowls One and Two, way before they were Roman numeraled, I have heard the hollow echo of "the Pack is back...
...Which can be translated to mean, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
...Beer is one of the four major food groups...
...Throw it, Steve...
...Wait, he fumbled...
...This is not bandwagon jumping...
...Why didn't they just say, "Sorry, no clowns...
...They're arrogant, greedy, and everyone in the world hopes they fall on their smug faces into a reeking heap of steaming cow feces...
...I beg of you, ignore the cheeseheads...
...True fans need a bad guy...
...I'm a San Francisco Forty-Niner fan with a heavy residue of Green Bay Packer backer clinging to the auricles of my gridiron heart...
...Co-chair Paul Kirk said, "Participation is not extended to candidates because they might prove interesting or entertaining...
...And the cameras love them...
...Niners recover, yes...
...Sure, the American Dream is still alive, just not for Americans...
...Where Your Brainpan Meets the Road...
...Ouch...
...You could have 400 Nobel Prize winners in a room with one drunk wearing a cheesehead, and guess who makes the wire-service photo...
...The commission did say it would reopen the question of Perot's participation "if circumstances change at any time after the first debate...
...Now that's worth an isolated camera shot, •fr "Just Don't Do It," Dole's new antidrug slogan, has a real nice ring to it, doesn't itl Imagine how thrilled the Nike people Will Durst does not understand the Macarena...
...I think not...
...Get yourself a fright wig and a funny nose, Tiny...
...In Madison, Wisconsin, Bob Dole called Bill Clinton's bridge to the twenty-first century a *toll bridge.' Of course, if Ross Perot had proposed it, he could have called it a *troll bridge.' We former Wisconsinites tend to be pretty proud of our state...
...If You Don't Look Good, Tough...
...Getting Dead Is Job One...
...Yeah, yeah, I know, his Administration has created ten million jobs...
...Yeah, for each of the last eight years, the Dairy State has been awarded the dubious honor of being voted "most obese state in the Union" by some busybody government study group...
...At every sporting event...
...You've seen them...
...Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case...
...When You Absolutely, Positively Have to Be Sick Overnight...
...So, just in case the unthinkable happens and a lawyer gets involved, I thought I'd help out with a group of the next best things: Not Even Close to the Real Thing...
...But that's what's happening, and guess what, they're using our taxes to do it...
...So you'd think the last thing this country's work force needs right now is for the government to offer cash incentives to companies to relocate in the Caribbean and Central America...
Vol. 60 • November 1996 • No. 11
