OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst Volleyball or Death Yours truly was one of the zillions of VIPs who made it to the Republican convention floor. Well, OK, not the floor exactly. In order to get down there,...
...San Diego, California, where a local group is holding an exorcism of the convention center to cleanse the psychic residue left by the Republicans...
...Beach volleyball...
...Perhaps a more humane approach would be to toss them into cages and let natural selection take its course...
...And they're right...
...It seems one of the responsibilities of being an international beauty queen is pleasing various swimsuit contractors who are not too happy about marketing a spokesperson for a line of hefty swimwear...
...We're talking two pounds a day here...
...Next, Jack Kemp tears up during his speech, but then the former Buffalo Bill cries during AT&T commercials...
...And who says she isn't a better role model when she has the proportional weight of a real human being...
...Watch as the besieged Republican candidate goes to the well one too many times...
...Meanwhile, I imagine the runner-up, Miss Aruba, is graciously seeing to it that a heavenly cross-section of cheesecakes from many lands is delivered hourly...
...Hear the anguished groan of his handlers as grandpa Bob talks about movies he would like to watch, if he ever did go to the movies...
...How dare we forcibly restrain kids from the brink of starvation...
...Twenty-seven pounds in two weeks is a bitch...
...With a ratio of 7.5 of us parasitic sponges to every actual delegate, you could actually slide down ramps on the thin layer of slime that sparkled all over the convention center...
...Your tax dollars at work...
...The gene pool needs chlorine, right...
...It got so incestuous, half the press went home with hemophilia...
...Reno, Nevada, which Is built on America's number-one growth industry: gambling...
...Wince as the list is read: The Sound of Music, The Ten Commandments, Forrest Gump...
...I want to be there when they explain to teachers why they can't have paper towels in the classroom...
...You can't make stuff up like this...
...A tax on poor people who are bad at math...
...Let them eat $800 hammers...
...So what you're saying, Susie, is kids should lie to pollsters...
...San Francisco, California, where dozens of agents from the California Bureau of Narcotic Enforcement busted the Cannabis Club, which was selling marijuana for medical purposes to patients with AIDS, chronic fatigue syndrome, cancer, glaucoma, and other diseases...
...In order to get down there, you had to have a floor pass, which was pink...
...In an election year...
...Then Bob Dole gave an hour-long Will Durst thinks all Republicans are aliens and we need Will Smith to punch them out...
...That must make synchronized swimming the ultimate secret goal of Thomas Jefferson, right...
...When a 1990 law linked TV stations' license renewals to serving the educational needs of children, the stations sent the FCC some documents informing the commission that Leave It to Beaver and The Jetsons were informational programs...
...The reigning Miss Universe, Alicia Machado of Venezuela, was told she has two weeks to lose twenty-seven pounds or she will forfeit her crown...
...Unfortunately, the Clinton rule won't apply to cable, meaning kids won't get a chance to watch World Wrestling Federation and receive phys.-ed...
...Sucking up to the electorate as only he can, Bill Clinton announced an agreement with the TV industry that will require broadcasters to program three hours of educational shows a week for children...
...Must be a Republican town...
...The Republicans finished their convention with a lame pep rally...
...I saw a TV news crew taping a radio guy who was interviewing a newspaper reporter...
...speech, although I swear it didn't seem much longer than a couple of days, •fr Oakland, California, where the city spent $200 million wooing the Raiders back and now they can't even give the tickets away...
...Way too much pressure to make that emergency phone call to Richard Simmons, if you ask me...
...Hardly a behemoth...
...And, in a twist of fate as surprising as middle-aged white guys opposing affirmative action, this summer's hottest sequel featured the grisly spectacle of a lonely old man fighting incredible odds in his battle against the social aliens of America's Babylon...
...Of course, since there were 150,000 media types there, if you used the bathroom you ran the risk of being overcome by hazardous clouds of toxic hairspray tossed about by every weekend anchor in the country whose station was using hoola hoops and tinfoil as a satellite uplink...
...Molinari used polls that showed more teens admitting to drug use even though last week it was revealed she herself lied about having smoked marijuana...
...By the way, how long will it take for the American public to get tired of Kemp's stupid football references...
...They tell us the current system is hurting kids, and to be truly compassionate we must free them from the shackles of complacency...
...What do they want her to do—suck every ounce of moisture out of her body...
...I bet this time next year a network executive files a report claiming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a nature show...
...Line up to see Bob Dole star in Hollywood 2. This time it's personal...
...How about that welfare bill...
...Enough, already...
...The true cause for the fall of the iron curtain: rhythmic gymnastics...
...Why shouldn't we gut the food-stamp program, especially after giving the Pentagon $9 billion more than it asked for...
...It's a slap in the face to let them grow up in this society without having the concept of "dog-eat-dog" pounded into their little heads from day one...
...credits...
...Head cheerleader Susan Molinari did her doe-eyed Bambi impression: "Mother, please wake up," complete with key shots of her stunt baby, who had obviously been starved for thirty-six hours so she would slurp on cue...
...Maybe Miss Universe is planning on defending her title and is perfecting wolfing and gorging as her new talent...
...But I did have this nifty yellow pass that allowed me to hang out near the escalators, and I could use the bathroom once every six hours...
...Newt Gingrich, fresh from exile under a rock, gurgled in front of a national television audience that "Freedom is beach volleyball...
...Who knew...
...Although the tickets are pretty absorbent...
...In the lower stands, all you needed was a blue pass, which I didn't have, either...
...The woman only weighs 134...
...See the ancient one strafe the entertainment capital of the world with his tortured logic...
Vol. 60 • October 1996 • No. 10
