A SMILE OR TWO
A Smile or Two A Killing Offense The late James R. Keane, himself almost a Forty-niner, used to tell many a story about the characters of those days. "It was difficult then," he once said, "to be...
...Fritzi—Oh, one of the neighbors gave me a pointer!—Columbia Jester...
...I've just used a couple of tacks...
...They ran away," replied the boy...
...There was a tense silence in the crowded bar...
...What did the French do then...
...What should you have said...
...she asked...
...There's people down there votin' as they blame please...
...The man ate a while longer...
...Undertaker—Oh, that's not necessary...
...he yelled to his son, "git down in the Fourth ward quick...
...There ain't no ham in this here sandwich,' a customer growled, seated on a high stool before the marble bar of a railway restaurant...
...Shure," said Mike, "it's mortar...
...said the attendant, 'you've bit over it now.' "—Everybody's...
...Bill certainly was a good sweeper," said one...
...Defying Orders The political boss of a small western city drove his buckboard at top speed down the main street on the morning of an election...
...mortar keeps them apart...
...Which Was Right...
...A Forty-niner, twirling his long, drooping mustache, said to a tenderfoot in a bar-room: " 'Have some red-eye with me.' " 'Thank you—no,' said the tenderfoot, a total abstainer, firmly...
...A Critical Cow The city girl boarding in the country spoke to the farmer about the savage way in which the cow regarded her...
...His Synonym for Quick Retreat In the sixth grade the teacher was questioning a boy about Napoleon's disastrous invasion of Russia and the subsequent retreat from Moscow...
...This man's mine," he said, "reminded me, in its scarcity of gold, of a railway sandwich...
...Boston Transcript...
...Well, he fell in the river up to it"—Everybody's...
...Well," said Pat, "I'll bet you can't tell me what keeps bricks together...
...Do you think you will suit...
...Dear me," said the girl, "of course, i know its awfully out of fashion, but i had no idea a country cow would notice it...
...Former Postmaster-General Hitchcock was talking about a blue-sky promoter who had been convicted of fraud...
...Secret of the Flavor Fbitz—How do the sausages happen to be so tasty today...
...Well," said the farmer, "it must be on account of that red waist you're wearing...
...Therefore, the story turned in by the cub reporter contained this statement: "Three thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon the speaker...
...Punch...
...A pin could have been heard to drop...
...Two street-sweepers, seated on a curb stone, were discussing a comrade who had died the day before...
...The Place Affected The following sentences appeared in the small boy's letter to his chum: "You know Bob Jones's neck...
...Two Irishmen were arguing about which was the cleverer...
...They beat It...
...Strict Obedience The motto above the great editor's desk read: "Accuracy, Accuracy, Accuracy...
...Suited the Purpose Widow—Wait, I'll get you some glue with which to fasten his wig...
...Qualified Employee—Yes, I advertised for a strong boy...
...But—don't you think he was a little weak around the lamp-posts...
...Then he growled again: 'Still no ham.' " 'Oh...
...Record Herald...
...His Weak Point At a banquet of New York newspaper men, recently, a story was told to exemplify the pride which every man should take in the work by which he makes a living...
...Everybody's Magazine...
...The boy's face lighted up with understanding...
...Applicant—Well, I have just finished thrashing three other applicants out in the passage!—London Opinion...
...Hard to Locate Certain promoters are bo optimistic where other people's money is concerned, that they will promote not merely barren gold and silver mines, but the blue sky itself...
...he exclaimed, quite proudly.—Kansas City Journal...
...No," said Pat, "ye're wrong...
...Ladies' Home Journal...
...Oh, you ain't come to the ham yet,' the attendant answered easily...
...It was difficult then," he once said, "to be a temperance man, for to refuse to drink with a Forty-niner was a worse offense than to kiss his wife...
...Y-e-s," conceded the other, thoughtfully...
...Independent...
...Yes, that is what they did," said the teacher, "but 'ran away' is hardly the correct phrase to use...
...Hey, Johnnie...
...Then the Forty-niner reached back to his hip pocket and said with a weary sigh: " 'Hell, can't I even take a drink without killin' a man?' "—Everybody's...
Vol. 5 • May 1913 • No. 20
