A SMILE OR TWO

A Smile or Two A .Poor Cook MRS. KALLER—Cooks are such ignorant things nowadays. MRS. JUSTWED—Aren't they? They can't do the simplest things. I asked mine to make some sweetbreads the other day...

...Why didn't you laugh...
...Yes, sir...
...That's not enough to convict a man...
...Why, Tommy, what's the matter...
...Detroit Free Press) * * * Why He Cried Tommy came out of a room where his father was tacking down a carpet...
...Why don't you shave it off...
...Tommy, you go right to sleep," was the reply...
...Tommy, if you don't go right to sleep I'll come and spank you...
...One night I woke up feeling uncomfortable, and it wasn't until thin I found out I had put me trousers to bed and had hung mesilf over the back of a chair...
...Well, that's nothing," rejoined Pat...
...then I heered the gun go off...
...Guessing A lady was looking for her husband, and inquired anxiously of the housemaid: "Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts...
...I did," sobbed Tommy.—Ladies' Home Journal...
...Not a Solid Teapot Mrs...
...Mrs...
...Not a Case of Suicide It was while on maneuvers, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground...
...I am not sure, mum," replied the careful domestic, "but I think they are in the wash...
...Maloney's birthday, and her husband give her a silver taypot...
...He's the biggest liar in the world...
...Houston Post...
...Casey—Sure, you're joking...
...I've found some of the biggest liars here I ever did see...
...Jack says it is a perfect synonym...
...Pears to me they are mostly liars...
...His mother objected, saying, "Papa would not want us to take the new buggy in the mud...
...So little to do...
...Then again: "Say, ma, I want a drink...
...Very Absentminded Pat and an Englishman were boasting of the various times that they had been attacked by absent-mindedness...
...A short time ago a Ten-nesseean came to Washington to urge congress to pass some sort of bill in which he was interested...
...and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide...
...Down the Wrong Way Little Marie almost choked one day at the dinner table, and after being duly pounded on the back recovered and said: "A piece of meat went down my drink pipe instead of my eat pipe...
...Smith's li\ttle four-year-old boy tried to persuade his mother to have Prince hitched to the new rubber tired buggy and go for a ride...
...How could she put tay in it if it was solid...
...Then again: "Ma, I want a drink...
...P-p-papa hit his finger with the hammer," sobbed Tommy...
...Not a Receptive Widow "De Widdah Smoot am awful rich, ain't she, sah...
...She—"Yes, so" I see...
...retorted the commanding officer, considerably nettled...
...Do she want to marry ag'ln...
...What's raised your suspicions...
...An Easy Job "So your son has an easy place, Mrs...
...These here men up at the Capitol say they will do a thing, and they don't do it...
...More silence, this time for about two minutes...
...asked his mother...
...To which the little fellow replied: "Why, mamma, hasn't it got wubbahs on...
...They are most as bad as a man down in our country...
...Well, you needn't cry about a thing like that," comforted his mother...
...No, I won't do that," replied the canny yokel, "but I will say he's the man I suspect of doing it...
...Tink ob dat, sah...
...A Buggy With Rubbers One day when it was muddy Mrs...
...Saturday Evening Post...
...Yes, sir...
...And then: "Say, ma, when you come to spank me will you bring me a drink...
...that's one of the ways...
...The Easiest "So you claim to be a literary man, eh...
...I wrote that book: 'A Dozen Ways to Make a Living...
...muh 'pinion, she don't, presizely...
...Yes, indeed...
...An Easy Remedy He (nervously)—"Margaret, there's been something trembling on my lips for months and months...
...Baltimore American...
...I see 'im on my property with a gun...
...then I see 'im putting the chicken into his knapsack...
...Ex...
...No, sah, muh 'cision am dat de lady ain't noways inquisitive 'bout marryin' ag'in...
...Why, he's such a liar he has to get a neighbor to call his hogs for him at feedin' time...
...Woman's Home Companion...
...Her husban' left her 'most two hund'ed dollahs...
...Uh-well, no, sah...
...Princeton Tiger...
...Murphy—Solid...
...Mrs...
...Why, Martin," he continued...
...Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain this is the man who shot your bird...
...Jabbers, I understand...
...National Month* * * Cautious Hogs Representative Martin Littleton, of New York, was born in the Tennessee mountains...
...And yet you are begging...
...Selected...
...Pathfinder...
...Bound to Get It "Ma, I want a drink...
...I asked mine to make some sweetbreads the other day and she said she couldn't— McCall's Magazine...
...Casey—Yisterday was Mrs...
...Well, sir," replied the sturdy farmer, as he slowly mopped his forehead with his bandanna, "it was this way...
...Intense silence again for ten minutes...
...Oh," says the Englishman, "I remember, once when going to business, I thought I had left my watch at home, and actually took it out of my pocket to see if I had time to go back home for it...
...She's got a couple o' big-moufed, surgical lookin' bulldogs runnin' loose in de yahd, a club behind de do,' a basket o' rocks in de middle o' de flo,' and a wash-b'iler o' scaldin' watah on de stove dat she swars she's gwine to flung all ober de next nigger dat comes irritatin 'round, 'scussin' 'bout how much cheaper two kin live dan one...
...He was crying lustily...
...Will you swear to him...
...Yas, sah...
...I can't make out what to do," he said...
...Tommy grunted, turned over, and was silent for ten minutes...
...He was an old friend of the Littletons and he came to Martin for advice...
...The mother's voice answered back: "Tommy, you go to sleep...
...Harper's Magazine...

Vol. 5 • March 1913 • No. 12


 
Developed by
Kanda Sofware
  Kanda Software, Inc.