OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP WILL DURST Business As Usual So the landlord is trying to close down Dr. Kevorkian's clinic. Says he didn't know what it was going to be used for. Yeah, right. Like Jack Kevorkian is...
...Suicide parlor doesn't have the right marketing ring, I suppose...
...We could be on the verge of a whole new cottage industry, complete with infomercials starring Leslie Nielsen touting a home do-it-yourself kit, which may be redundant, since if you watch enough infomercials you run the risk of expiring from nausea, •o Mason City, Illinois, which is so truly ail-American, small-town picturesque, Norman Rockwell would dismiss it as imperialist propaganda...
...Are we supposed to even consider electing someone as President who fails to notice strange women speaking foreign languages vacuuming his walk-in closet...
...Who can blame himl PAUL como Clinton is trying to preempt next year's expected Republican onslaught with a $2.5 million series of ads depicting himself as Mr...
...Like Jack Kevorkian is going to open the world's most unusual electrical-supplies shop...
...Love to see his Yellow Pages listing: Checking Out...
...Will Durst is making big-time money doing a corporate date at the Resort at Squaw Valley: "Just don't be too liberal...
...They say the Devil made both Hell and New York City and he chooses to live in Hell...
...Los Angeles, where the Unabomber claims he was Just kidding...
...Embarrassed business analysts are writing the vote off as an "atypical conservative myopic disturbance," also known as "blinded by the blight...
...Prop 187, hired as a maid...
...Or maybe the laryngitis is purely psychosomatic so he doesn't have to answer questions about the illegal alien he, Mr...
...Motel 86s and Do Yourself Inns on the edge of town...
...They try every year to raise the price of the ticket to at least the cost of processing...
...The Dark Knight of Arkansas fighting a never-ending battle against Bob Dole (Two Face) and Newt Gingrich (The Riddler...
...A psychopath kidding—does that mean we're all supposed to laugh or elset Not only did the citizens of Orange County vote down a one-half percent increase in sales tax to avoid repayment of the $1.7 billion its treasurer lost in derivatives speculation, but they also officially designated the ostrich as the county bird...
...New York City...
...But every year it gets voted down by the state legislature...
...Sure...
...I bet Montana raises the limit to just under the speed of light...
...It'd be easier to find real cartilage in Michael Jackson's nose than anyone doing fifty-five these days...
...Turns out "accepting responsibility for one's actions" is a great cheer at diversity conference football games, but not a popular chant when the home team plays...
...These guys make fruit flies look far-sighted...
...This is the guy who, as senator, wrote the day-laborer legislation that allowed illegals to cross the border to work the fields owned by Wilson's rich buddies...
...Oh, I forgot—he didn't know he had a maid...
...Can't drive fifty-five...
...Pete Wilson stood in the doorway of the University of California with an axe handle and single-handedly turned back the clock to 1957, after shucking his pointy robe for a Republican cloth coat...
...San Francisco, where the canceled ABC show called Full House was supposedly set...
...Which is exactly what they plan to do, after hiring a lobbyist to beg for spare change outside the capitol building...
...Anti-Crime...
...Clarence, who went to school, became a judge, and then replaced Thurgood Marshall all based on his race, ironically guaranteed with his vote that a heinous mistake like him will never happen again...
...There is a lesson to be learned here, but the only one I can think of is, "Being white means never having to say you're sorry...
...Ain't life odd...
...Perhaps he's all choked up from guilt for having lit the match that set off the firestorm of racism directed against illegal aliens...
...Squaw Valley, California, where the elite meet to greet and sweetly fete...
...Who wouldn't crash on the floor to avoid an international commute...
...He didn't know he had a maid...
...The bill to pay the piper was a 61-39 loser in the Reagan homeland...
...Just think, if this idea takes off, knowing the American entrepreneurial spirit, independent franchises are going to blossom like mushroom spores after a spring rain in Iowa...
...Hope he works out a bit before donning those tights...
...The time for colorblind attitudes is at hand, and what better way to prove to the angry white male that he's not going to get screwed over, than by screwing over everybody who's not white or male, but soon to be very angry...
...Turns out it's the kind of clinic where you don't see many cabs lingering outside...
...Of course, they were supposed to go home at night...
...Right now, it's only a $5 fine for "fuel consumption" as long as you're less than twenty miles an hour over the limit—even though it costs the state of Montana fifteen bucks to process the ticket...
...Well, the good news, my bucko, is you don't have to anymore...
...And no gay jokes, OK...
...Let me repeat that...
...We were so proud...
...Go ahead, try obeying the speed limit on a major interstate and you risk getting squashed like a small emerging Central American nation with rich oil deposits...
...because of the answers we seem to give them every November...
...Check Us Out...
...The governor, on the first leg of his No Niggers Tour, gathered together his posse of UC Regents and overturned racial preferences in admissions...
...Gets the cheerleaders all confused...
...Dew Drop Dead clinics will litter the Southern rural scene...
...It seems a bit suspicious that Pete Wilson can't talk...
...They think I'm a waiter...
...I always hesitate asking the question, "Just how dumb do these guys think we are...
...All he needs is for Al Gore to dress up as Robin, and he's guaranteed a $50 million opening-weekend gate...
...And not a moment too soon for Wilson's Presidential bid, which was sinking faster than a Mafia accountant...
...Congress just passed a law letting individual states determine how fast you are allowed to careen your two-ton steel cocoon down the highway...
...The best way to handle the Montana highway patrol if they stop you is to tell the guy you're in a hurry to get to Idaho...
...In a desperate attempt at damage control, local officials reluctantly admit that although Chapter Eleven relief might temporarily alleviate the situation, it's not half as good as just pretending nothing ever happened and going on with business as usual...
...Right up there with Dan White and the Twinkles Defense...
...Naw, he probably thought the Tijuana road show of Kiss Me Kate was holding rehearsals in his pantry...
...Even Clarence Thomas jumped onto the pile, by providing the deciding vote in a recent Supreme Court decision weakening affirmative-action laws...
...Doc's calling it an obitorium...
...Who does, really...
...Pollyanna would be on her knees retching in the gutter...
...Everybody agrees there is no more favoritism in America...
Vol. 59 • September 1995 • No. 9
