OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst Now the True Folly is Revealed Hope you were wearing shades, because it was a dazzling love fest in New Hampshire. Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich astounded everyone with so...
...I guess when you fit in someone's back pocket, there's always room...
...Or, as we're known here, freelance clowns...
...The Sybil of politics...
...San Francisco, where the city is looking for corporate sponsorship for Improvements to Candlestick Park, and they're willing to rename it after the sponsor...
...Considering the setting was the White House, this was a ceremony with an irony factor of twelve...
...Every time I come to England the question that immediately springs to their little limey lips is, "Do you think Elvis is still alive...
...But Balls-to-the-Wall Bill has strongly intimated that we are definitely really close to possibly making a decision on our participation in the very near future...
...But hey, it's a start...
...Then, after we had guns for a while, we liked them...
...I can buy that argument...
...What if Conan O'Brian's late-night slot becomes available...
...Not only that, but his chauffeur's jackboots, on occasion, have scuffed his limo's upholstery almost beyond repair...
...Like the artist formerly known as Prince, the country formerly known as Yugoslavia is going through a severe identity crisis...
...Lot less disappointment to deal with.M Will Durst is eminently available at Bighead @eworld.com...
...I mean, you can also use a chain saw to cut butter...
...London, right outside Piccadilly Circus, where there is no circus, except for the thousands of tourists staring at the strange coins in their hands...
...Rumor has it, one of these days the Man from Hope is determined to take a firm stand on that Hitler creep...
...What assurances do we have that if the Pope dies, he won't start wearing weird hats and speaking Latin...
...Then, he doubled up the right-field gap and stole third...
...Maybe...
...Wilson wrote the bill that allowed illegal immigrants to cross the border for day work, then got reelected by strongly opposing border-crossing by illegal immigrants...
...Right after he gets done resolving the domestic crisis in the White House concerning the technological advantages of VHS and Beta...
...Got to learn to comb It over from the Equator is all...
...I explain to them like you would to a small child that in the early days we needed them to defend ourselves from a brutally repressive government...
...The ozone Isn't disappearing...
...Newt said he was against raising the minimum wage because it would mean a rise in black youth unemployment...
...Better look for a benefactor in the dry-ice business...
...Las Vegas, Nevada, where everybody looks like my dad...
...Old Midwestern man with gray hair, glasses, and polyester baseball caps...
...In this country, we'd rather pick a guy we know is lying to us...
...They keep saying that assault weapons can be used as legitimate hunting rifles...
...Just have to hope his liver donor wasn't David Crosby...
...Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich astounded everyone with so many tales of camaraderie and bipartisan schmoozing, half the Washington press corps was overcome with nausea...
...He hasn't met a poll he didn't like...
...This running deal is something Wilson said he wouldn't do, while winning a second term last November...
...So now Phil Gramm says it was his secretary using his name who helped secure the early release of a drug dealer from federal prison...
...Just going to get a little messy around muffin time is all I'm saying...
...It's part Rubik's Cube, part Vietnam...
...It's really a race now that California's Governor Pete Wilson is no longer tackling the guy with the starter's pistol, and has finally announced he's running for the Republican nomination for President...
...Unless they plan on becoming President, that is...
...Mickey Mantle walked for the first time in a week...
...He quit as mayor of San Diego to run for senator, then quit as senator to run for governor, and now he's running for President...
...Time for a special election: there's a welding job open in Taos, New Mexico...
...They laugh and beg me to go on...
...Then there's Bob Dole, who has taken 187 flights on corporate jets...
...Gramm has raised obscene amounts of money from conservatives by relentlessly attacking Clinton for coddling lawbreakers, going so far as to savage the President's rehabilitation policy that removes outlaws from the street and places them in his Cabinet...
...As of right now, however, we're in no danger of losing our status as the international leaders in making empty threats and then abandoning them...
...Hillary Clinton is urging kids not to engage in sex outside of marriage...
...Just got a bald spot...
...Air Force Captain Scott O'Grady was congratulated by Clinton for surviving a plane crash and extensive enemy fire...
...Dole's new campaign slogan: "Hey, you punks, shut up that noise and get off my lawn...
...To which I invariably answer, "He's got a brighter future than John Major," causing them to mutter incomprehensibly into their boiled meat plate...
...He's flip-flopped so many times on abortion, you'd think there should be spatula scars on his butt...
...Unfortunately, nobody can figure out what it is yet...
...Makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it...
...Stay tuned...
...Reinforcing what most of us already know: that it's darned near impossible to get good help anymore...
...The death part is just one of those unfortunate, nagging side effects...
...This guy makes Clinton look like a rock...
...This whole contretemps reminds me that whenever I hear a politician announcing his enlistment in the "war on crime," I should always pause to ask, "Which side...
...In the States, the gun's primary purpose is as a tool, not to kill people...
...Just two gray-haired good ol' boys squeezed into blue suits so tight their circulation must have been cut off...
...Reno, Nevada, where It was snowing on Wednesday and got up to eighty-five degrees today...
...Next query on their list is: "What's the damn deal with you guys and your guns...
...This statement was released from New Hampshire, of course, where Phil is mesmerizing locals with fiery stump speeches about keeping criminals exactly where they belong: on the CIA payroll...
...A revelation this startling has not been seen around these parts since last Sunday when my Uncle Ziggy allowed that after careful consideration, maybe he would have another beer...
...The good news for the President's reelection campaign is that the ad guys will be able to showcase all of Clinton's accomplishments in a thirty-second spot...
...Newt worried about black youth unemployment is a lot like a turkey vulture worrying about mice...
...Even though he's not really here, it feels like home...
...You can't make stuff up like this...
...So, the good news is Clinton has finally come up with a Bosnian policy...
...With all this against him, he's obviously the next Chief Executive of these here United States...
...Now, the NRA is trying to repeal the assault-weapons ban...
Vol. 59 • August 1995 • No. 8
