SMALL FAVORS

...As in, "They've already whored up that bill twice, and now the conference committee is whoring it up a third time...

...This bill has been whored up good" is a new one...

...As lobby-directed a session as I have seen in twenty-five years...

...But we've had our high points this session...

...The Senate—a whore's dream...

...To whore" is not a new locution at our capitol, but its constant usage in the passive voice is new...

...We have passed the concealed handgun bill...

...And this is what Newt Gingrich thinks should have more power...

...Representative Richard Raymond of Venavides was up arguing for his resolution to make the prickly pear (the common cactus) the Official State Plant...

...Long ago, a good liberal suggested that the slogan on the University of Texas Tower be changed from "The truth shall make you free" to "Money talks, bullshit walks...

...As a longtime observer of Texas legislative language, I am fascinated by the emergence of a particular verb this session...

...Barton Creek feeds Barton Springs, Austin's famous municipal cold-water spring/swimming pool, the city's pride and greatest ornament...

...This monumental folly is so badly written that should a city deny a building permit for an SOB (that's gummint-speak for "sexually oriented bid-ness"—and you thought bureaucrats had no fun), not only can the property owner sue, so can his neighbors once the SOB is in operation...

...It's a baby version of what's happening in Washington, except there's no Clinton to veto the worst stuff—only Governor Shrub Bush, whose program it was to begin with...

...A heavy contender for Worst Bill is the "takings bill" sponsored by Representative Susan Combs, Republican of Austin, who, in an earlier career, wrote breathless, bodice-ripper romances...

...In this case, a municipality, to wit Austin, made a stand against a plan by Freeport McMoRan, a Louisiana-based company that has the distinction of being the nation's Number One polluter, pumping twice as much toxic material into the air, earth, and sea as its nearest competitor...

...So all the proud conservatives from Midland, Amarillo, Wink, and Pharr joined in merrily...

...If a property owner finds the value of his land decreased by more than 20 percent because of a government decision (zoning, antipollution, endangered species, anything), he or she shall have the right to sue for damages over said decision...

...Got so bad, when Senator Rodney Ellis of Houston spotted former President George Bush—in the Capitol to visit his son the guv—Ellis moaned, "God, no...

...Raymond carried on at great length about the beauty and utility of the prickly pear, its important role in the history of our state, and how that great man John Nance Garner (a reactionary asshole) got his nickname, "Cactus Jack," from his fondness for the prickly pear...

...Representative Pat Haggerty popped up at the back mike to inquire, "So, Richard, if we vote for this resolution, can we call you Prickly Dick...

...The Barton Creek watershed is already sufficiently polluted so that after a heavy rainfall, the Springs have to be closed for a few days until the coliform-bacteria count goes down...

...But Mr...

...Maybe...

...Even though the thing was gutted and completely rewritten, it is still a terrible bill...

...The House—some leadership, but mostly outgunned minorities, not enough to stop "local control" of schools, so the Christian fundamentalists get to take over education...

...Moffett, a persistent fellow, spread $60,000 in contributions among Texas legislators who don't five anywhere near Austin, and lo, they introduced and passed legislation at the state level that takes away Austin's right to protect the watershed...

...Fewer fingerprints.M Molly Ivins, a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, appears in this space every month...

...It took an Open Records lawsuit to pry from the office of the attorney general the assessment that this will cost local government millions of dollars...

...As Representative Glen Maxey of Austin observed, "Even people who carry guns hate it when somebody opens a landfill next door...

...So the city, rallying behind an environmentalist coalition called Save Our Springs, voted for a strict plan governing development on the watershed...

...All in all, a disgusting performance...

...A long-headed legislator of great clout observed privately that some of this nonsense, too, shall pass...

...Southwestern Bell, the phone company, hired every lobbyist in town to pull off a nasty consumer rip-off...

...At the urging of Governor Bush, we have now so "reformed" our tort laws that practically nobody has access to the courts anymore...

...Although both houses of the Texas Lege remain nominally in the hands of Democrats, every D who won a narrow race was voting the R agenda...

...Freeport McMoRan is headed by one Jim Bob Moffett of New Orleans, who bought a bunch of land over the Barton Creek watershed and planned to develop it...

...This was done in the context of "Austin-bashing," a popular legislative sport based on Austin's reputation as a bastion of liberalism in a conservative state...

...Moffett's plan was shot down...

...At that always-interesting point where political power confronts the power of money, it's instructive to watch what happens when power is "handed back to the states...

...Said this shrewd ol' West Texan, "In the next two years, half the sumbitches who voted for that crap will get screwed themselves and scream, 'Sue the bastards!' When their lawyers just smile and say, 'Sorry,' they'll be back down there next session to change it back again...

...Her takings bill was fairly breathtaking too...

...I'm whorin' on this bill" is an old usage...

...We have passed the veggie libel bill (bad-mouthing Texas fruits and vegetables is now against the law: if you do it, you are subject to civil suit, so don't piss on our pinto beans...

...Don't tell me Southwest Bell has hired him, too...

...Moffett's enterprise will go forward despite the wishes of the voters...