OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst Witness to Terror There's a toad in the Four Corners area of the Southwest, whose skin secretes a poison when it's frightened. So, the deal is, if you attempt to pick up one...
...And three: Do you think this procedure could be accomplished with small members of the salamander family...
...Before you have a law, you have to have a pretty serious problem, right...
...Probably...
...Bring on the weepy wolverine if you will...
...The Southern California Innocence...
...Called the Jazz...
...Phoenix, Arizona, where they're such ornery cusses, they refuse to adjust to daylight-saving time: 'Don't you get itt They're messing with our time, man...
...That and my daily dose of Zoloft...
...The Ames Iowa Commotion...
...Morning, Frank...
...Did you hear what I just said...
...The Washington Scruples...
...CNN went with Terror in the Heartland, which they should have saved for the Iowa caucuses...
...Viola, ear wax from the rare albino dwarf goat...
...How do you do jokes after the massive tragedy that struck the Midwest...
...What could be a less representative name than Utah Jazz...
...Right away the talk shows were full of: "Those stinkin' Arabs...
...So the heaviest of the weighted ones wandered up to New Hampshire to announce his candidacy for President...
...And who directs the composer who records the theme music...
...It's worth a shot...
...Does that mean our native terrorists are so remedial they can't concoct a scheme to purchase an abundance of fertilizer...
...The Boise Sophisticates...
...But why didn't they change the name to something more appropriate when they moved...
...Ebola Virus" garb...
...The Milwaukee Sobrieties would be funny if I wasn't from there...
...Oh, they were rightwing rednecks...
...San Francisco, where they've finally taken notice of the Oklahoma bombing because a local guy died there...
...CBS went with Witness to Terror, which many thought was the network programmer's report on its season...
...But many sources say Newt Gingrich obtained a copyright on the persona, so the best we'll probably see in the next eighteen months is "Mr...
...Next, it'll be distance, and then energy and mass, and pretty soon everything we know will be wrong . . .' The Feds have ruled out certain white-supremacy groups as suspects in the Oklahoma bombing because they say the organizational skills to orchestrate the intricate planning were beyond their ken...
...The Kansan ran in 1980 as the "Plains Moderate," but was crushed by Ronald Reagan's "Mr...
...Sominex" in the first Vice Presidential debate, a tape of which is still used by all the major sleep-disorder clinics as the ultimate litmus test...
...I'm so glad the Oklahoma bad guys were white...
...How 'bout his nose...
...No, it's still funny.M Will Durst is looking for more metroxymorons...
...Wonder if the first security precaution Congress mandates is to require stool samples for the quantity purchase of fertilizer...
...They had curly hair...
...A certain Newt to be specific...
...Would he look out of place in AladdinV The networks had logos within an hour...
...The Mississippi Mensa...
...Malignant," the cute little character he ran as during the 1988 elections, has allegedly been retired...
...And now, the hedgehog with the sniffles, please...
...You know, it's in these times of crisis when we forget our party affiliation and pull together as a people that makes me proud to be an American...
...Oops...
...OK, OK, I know, the team moved from New Orleans, which made sense...
...So, the deal is, if you attempt to pick up one of these amphibians, it will start cranking out this noxious fluid to repel you back to the gnarled tree stump from which you crawled...
...Just kidding...
...Of course, I'm talking about Richard Lugar announcing his candidacy for the Republican nomination for President...
...I'm sure I speak for all Americans when I extend our most heartfelt sympathies to the grief-stricken citizens of Indianapolis, Indiana...
...Winner gets two tickets to an upcoming comedy show...
...Yeah, and I promise to sprout gills after the ice caps melt...
...Say, you wouldn't happen to know if Butch still sells diesel fuel in those fifty-five-gallon drums with the deto-natable spigots, now would ya...
...This practice has become so widespread, some states have made licking this toad a crime...
...The Salt Lake City Caucasian Stouthearts...
...Bob Dole is considered the frontrunner, due to the fact that he has amassed the largest stockpile of personalities to choose from while running...
...Fog Returns.' The Utah Jazz...
...The Miami Ice...
...We should vaporize Baghdad with a ton of Tomahawks right now...
...The New York Whispers...
...It's a basketball team...
...They had to pass a law against toad-licking...
...No towel, no beard, and a blond crew-cut, huh...
...Submit your nominations to bighead@eworld...
...Maybe start out happy and then bottom out, you know, "OOOOOKla boom boom boom...
...Perhaps the Vermont Hustle...
...Had to report something, so the two guys running away from the scene were Middle Eastern-looking, which in Oklahoma means what...
...World War III Starts...
...San Francisco, in the state of California, which believes if the bombers had taken out the Los Angeles County Courthouse, they'd be on talk shows as national heroes...
...Boston, Massachusetts, where Roger Clemens promised to retire after the Red Sox win the pennant this year...
...Number one: Exactly how high do you already have to be in order to lick a sweaty toad...
...Now, if you lick this toad sweat, you will experience a hallucinogenic high...
...The Utah Canyons, perhaps, or the Utah Salt Licks, or something indigenous...
...Measles," while Phil Gramm dons the "Mr...
...The Las Vegas Subtleties...
...Like to have heard Hard Copy skewing that interview...
...Now I just have a few questions here...
...Because you know whenever I think of a swinging fusion sound, Salt Lake City and those wacky Mormons spring instantly to mind...
...They appeared to have southern Illinois roots...
...In Utah...
...I'd like a hedge-trimmer and sixty board feet of two-by-fours cut in three-foot sections and, oh yeah, how 'bout 1200 pounds of ammonium nitrate...
...Goddam DEA motherlovin' snitch moles who will rot for eternity in maggot hell soon...
...The media started it...
...Magoo," and in 1976, as Gerald Ford's running mate, he and Fritz Mondale both played "Mr...
...Two: How many animal/fluid mixtures did these pharmacological pioneers go through before they stumbled onto the correct formula...
...The New Jersey Charm...
...I'm thinking of newts in particular...
...Heh heh...
...The squeezing thing...
...The Minneapolis Cholos...
...The New Orleans Jazz...
...The San Francisco Breeders, and of course my all-time favorite, the Los Angeles Lakers...
...Oh, you know, moles...
...The Sacramento Cool...
...Okay, so we want somber, but patriotic, and hopeful, with perhaps six bars from the overture of the musical...
...Going to need a bong for this...
...Someone fax Carville...
Vol. 59 • June 1995 • No. 6
