OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst I'm with Stupid Pat Buchanan returned to the site of his greatest triumph, the 1992 New Hampshire primary, to announce his candidacy for Fuhrer. Responding to hecklers,...
...Must be an affirmative-action program...
...Don't everybody's...
...License zippers...
...Responding to hecklers, Buchanan said there is no room in the Republican Party for racists...
...Really...
...If he were any more Caucasian he would be translucent...
...You got to wonder which quiet jazz instrumental the boys were playing as a bedtime lullaby...
...I'm worried about Johnny...
...Geez, I knew there were a lot of them, I didn't know all the slots were full...
...We have finally turned the corner off of nerd alley onto weenie lane...
...He's calling for a return to traditional American values—code for debtors' prison...
...They're born with that rubberizing agent in their bones that makes them so accommodating to overhead compartments...
...They're all bent over...
...How many of us thought about doing the same thing, only held off because we were afraid our allowance might be severely reduced...
...Why not just cut to the chase and ship everybody who hits age sixty-five to the Aleutian Islands and set them out on ice floes armed with nothing more than blankets, matches, and pointy sticks...
...Make running with a scissors a felony...
...Chicago, where the Republican Party primary winner for mayor is a retired clown...
...I gotta tell you, to me, Bjork sounds like a Disney gerbil being squeezed in a one-handed grip by Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner...
...Finally, truth in advertising I've been reading the papers lately, and I've come to the conclusion that if you're not confused, you're not paying attention...
...Forehead tattoos...
...A Nazi cartoon...
...You can't legislate against clumsy...
...A Nazi endearment...
...Oregon Senator Mark Hatfield, the only Republican who voted against the amendment, has been so vilified by his own party, I wouldn't be surprised to read he was a child-molesting secret agent of Jimmy Carter's liberal advisory panel...
...The man who would be beige...
...Prohibit the use of soap within a twelve-foot radius of bathtubs...
...School lunches, Public Broadcasting...
...You know, girls...
...But winter heating subsidies to the elderly...
...Are we the Gorgar People now...
...Although, if we made the blankets out of ripe cod scales, we could get those Navy dolphins to retrieve them...
...I don't know...
...no more free parking spots at National...
...We could use real Afghan hound-skin straight from those elitist art wonks who lost their jobs during the Great Art Purge of 1995...
...His followers are not much more than skinheads with hair...
...He's changing...
...This is the man who David Duke refuses to associate with for fear of being labeled an extremist...
...You'll end up with prisons so big you might as well call them Utah...
...And he has a secret test he wants applied to Hillary Clinton: if she doesn't float, she's not a witch...
...Why not just pretend the restrictions are in place...
...Heat rises...
...They should lower their ceilings...
...What twisted logic allows these squeezebags to defend eliminating heating subsidies to the elderly...
...Probably I'm with Stupid with arrows pointing in the four prime directions.* Will Durst is a bipartisan smart-ass...
...What happened to that fist-in-the-buffalo's-face pioneer spirit that jump-started this country...
...Afghans...
...San Francisco, California, where the new state bird is the albatross The state of California is starting to levy fines on kids under eighteen for not wearing helmets while riding their bicycles...
...Are they going to outlaw forks...
...Did they accidentally pass an amendment that says Congress is subject to many swats on the butt with a wet bamboo cane should they accidentally manage to balance the budget...
...We've turned into a nation of weenies, wimps, and whiners...
...Does the term "grounded for life" have any meaning here...
...A ticking time-bomb for those poor unfortunates suffering from male pattern baldness...
...Mighty distracting to the kiddies...
...Of course, to Congress, the blankets would be considered a non-recoverable government expenditure...
...Cute Nazi scribbles with a heart over the i. You know, skinheads get that tattoo right at the hairline just in case they decide to re-enter the real world...
...All this I can maybe kinda feebly understand...
...The only recording I know that could incite such negative passion would be Michael Bolton's "Can't Live Without You" on a continuous loop...
...Doesn't have to be a Nazi salute...
...Shouldn't be too big a leap: they're already pretty good at pretending to represent us...
...Kind of a Diet Duke, with all the paranoia but only half the guilt...
...Washington, DC, the Florence of Malfeasance, largest Superfund Site In America Defending budget-cutting proposals, the House Republicans held a press conference to announce that they are not ogres...
...A white-power rock group named "Bez-erker," that your kid loves so much he tattooed the name on his forehead, must sound like a 400-tined rake on a blackboard...
...Did I miss something...
...Let me backtrack here for a second...
...Sweaters...
...My parents live in Florida...
...Concerned, perhaps...
...Set stings for menacing culprits who walk down stairs with their hands in their pockets...
...Later, they circulated a statement that revealed neither are they trolls, mutants, or stitched-together pieces of the formerly dead, filled with the same fluid that made Reagan appear so lifelike for so long...
...What's next...
...Kids fall down, go boom...
...Don't tell me...
...Lots and lots of sweaters...
...This guy is the whitest human on the face of the planet...
...If your kid got a Nazi salute tattooed on his forehead, wouldn't you be a bit . . . uneasy...
...Wonder what Newt's scalp would reveal...
...This poor guy is going to end his term shopping with Salman Rushdie...
...Forbid fire...
...And then, of course, you're going to have to deal with that whole Mormon thing, with its attendant procreative extravagance...
...Standing beside him, Newt Gingrich looks like a raving choreographer...
...With the exception of Bob Dornan, that is...
...Of course, to Jehovah's Witnesses, I'm sure that sounds like jungle music...
...Even service cuts on Amtrak, which means what—they're going to tear out the seats...
...The Senate Republicans lost the Balanced Budget Amendment by one vote, and to hear the sobbing and screaming you'd think the Democrats had decided to eliminate Congressional franking privileges...
...Princeton, New Jersey, off Exit 8 or some god-forsaken spot near there So these kids killed their parents because Mom came down to the basement and asked them to keep the noise to a dull roar...
...We can't even find it in our hearts to provide a stocking full of coal...
Vol. 59 • May 1995 • No. 5
