OFF THE MAP
Durst, Will
OFF THE MAP Will Durst You Cant Make Stuff Up Like This The best thing about being a political comic is that, with the whole government working for you, if you wait long enough, your deadline...
...Now Britain is going through similar spasmodic twitch-ings...
...I'll never be able to watch him shake hands with Phyllis Schlafly again...
...Oh, Lawdy, Lawdy, Lawdy, Robert Dole touches his thingy...
...President Newt...
...Where every mottled pink body in Washington strips off its clothes and runs naked from Capitol Hill down the mall to be doused with Mazzola oil spiked with Ecstasy...
...That's triple digits, people...
...Maybe it's just that Bill read Teddy Roosevelt's motto wrong...
...As it turns out, Jean Kierans, the toy-boy's temptress, nicknamed the future prime minister "Rover," which has some curious connotations...
...Or perhaps Warren Christopher could manifest his children of the night into people's dreams or turn into a bat and suck the blood from randomly assembled legislative bodies...
...pepper you with a series of substantial arguments...
...What nightmare scenario lies in store for the self-destructive toads that dare to thwart his vision...
...Of course, a lot of us think this is just a cynical attempt orchestrated by Major's staff to humanize him...
...Why is that so hard to get used to...
...SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA You can't make stuff up like this: The Flying Elvises are suing the Flying Elvii for copyright infringement...
...Surprised Fox hasn't come up with a pilot for "Pennsylvania Avenue 911...
...What this country really needs is a Beltway orgy...
...How about a CD-quality blasting of brother Roger's latest recording into closed sessions of especially recalcitrant committee chairmen...
...Not ours to judge...
...It's rip and read time...
...Predictably, the big-money sponsors are flocking to the front-runner, Bob Dole: a man who looks like his hobby is to watch things die, and then, in the quiet of his study, pore over stop-action photography of insects devouring the remains...
...Almost as scary as the Janet Reno swimsuit calendar...
...You know what Clinton's biggest problem is...
...Under a rock...
...Without that embarrassing burden of rational thought to hold him back...
...They only burned a tour bus outside the White House last month...
...Back in the swinging sixties, it seems that rascally John Major had an affair with an older woman...
...It's like slam-dunking from a ladder here in New Hampshire, where the population is whiter than the Osmond Family Christmas in Norway Special...
...He's got no "or else...
...It's one year to the New Hampshire primary, and already the blow-dried consultants are scuttling around the Granite State like hyperactive pit crews in search of an errant air hose...
...Oh, goody, finally someone able to talk to Zhirinovsky on an equal level...
...The newest buzzwords are in the air, making Family Values and Culture War sound obsolete...
...Because of the November putsch, Jesse Helms is now chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee...
...Or else he will...
...One of my favorite things to do in Britain is to have breakfast in the tourista hotels and hear the cacophony of dropped coffee cups as unsuspecting American visitors turn to the topless "Page Three Lovely" holding a lamp—"A-Pair-ently dee-Light-full...
...Newt has announced he's not running for the Republican nomination in 1996, but he hasn't ruled out 2000...
...A slow waft is more like it...
...Maybe Al Gore will threaten to cross the aisle and infect the opposing faction with a nasty case of Dutch Elm disease...
...No one's really surprised he was fascinated by older women: that explains why he acts like one today...
...That's like saying Pope Dennis Hopper...
...Or else Hillary won't invite your mother to tea...
...Strom is ninety-two years old, has two years left in his six-year Senate term, and wants to run once more...
...Oh well.M Will Durst is a bipartisan smart-ass...
...Pick up a paper anywhere...
...Either you vote the way he wants you to, or what happens...
...His popularity jumped eight points right after the shocking tryst was revealed...
...Can't really call its fall a crash can you...
...Clinton's approval rating must be up...
...He's ninety-two years old: he's probably engaged in sodomy by mistake...
...He's already passing legislation through sense memory...
...We take pictures and every time some sanctimonious B.S...
...What's the peso worth these days, about twenty-five bucks a ton...
...There's a Halloween mask in the making...
...The GOP machine has been retooled with phrases like Cutting Taxes and People That Smell Funny Shouldn't Be Allowed to Own Property in My Neighborhood...
...A normal healthy sex drive seems like a desirable human attribute...
...John Major Was My Toyboy," is the tale, according to the Sun...
...During the Roberta Ach-tenberg hearings, Strom on the floor of the Senate said out loud in front of people, "No decent heterosexual has ever engaged in sodomy...
...To their credit, the other Senators broke into laughter...
...Understand those are four words you'll never hear in a court of law...
...Then there's Strom Thurmond...
...It's a popular pastime in this state, whose motto is "Live Free or Die You Commie Dog...
...Everybody touches their thingy...
...At the end of which, he'll be 100 years old...
...But anything, including clandestine maple-syrup tampering, could develop, so gentlemen: start your spin doctors, and let the groveling begin...
...President Newt...
...LONDON, ENGLAND Would someone please be kind enough to tell me why the hell Americans are constantly working themselves into an ethical twitching frenzy whenever it turns out one of our illustrious leaders has had carnal desires...
...OFF THE MAP Will Durst You Cant Make Stuff Up Like This The best thing about being a political comic is that, with the whole government working for you, if you wait long enough, your deadline will be met...
...comes out of the front of their talking heads, we can point to the negatives and say, "Very interesting coming from someone who got stuck while mounting a very smooth Henry Moore in the Hirshhorn Sculpture Garden...
...Big stick...
...According to the Sun" is like saying, "According to someone who raises eyebrows at the National Enquirer...
...MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE Thousands of fans came out for race-day weekend, as nine Republican hopefuls lined up at the Holiday Inn to jockey for pole position in the demolition derby of 1996...
...It's "Walk softly and carry a big stick," Bill...
...If Clinton really needs more money for the Mexican bailout, maybe he should check Ron Brown's wallet...
...Secretary of State Fabio...
...So to speak...
...The Brits take well to kinky: Tory members of parliament are constantly being caught with their heads in plastic bags sucking on orange peels making muffled barking noises...
...It wouldn't shut them up, but it might grease the chute for future arts funding...
Vol. 59 • April 1995 • No. 4
