SMALL FAVORS
Ivins, Molly
SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins Needed: One Strong Stomach Wow, it is really interesting to have the Republicans in charge of Congress. We never had this kind of fun when boring old Tom Foley was...
...Whoopee...
...Wait'll the Texas Lege gets more power...
...We never had this kind of fun when boring old Tom Foley was there...
...What elementary grade are they in...
...Of course, as Russell Baker points out, it is ironic to find people who don't even believe in parole wanting to give states' rights a second chance, but whatthehey...
...My favorite policy initiative is devolution...
...That's the kind of ambition we like in Texas—give this guy more power and responsibility...
...If ever there were an outfit ready for more power and responsibility, it's the Texas Lege...
...Or as a senator from Lubbock who double-crossed a lobbyist for $600 once said, "Well, you knew I was weak when I took the $300...
...Our problem is not corruption...
...Talk about closer to the peopie...
...What we have are many members who are ethically challenged...
...The first words spoken in the new session of the Texas Legislature were, "Will the folks in the gallery please not throw tortillas on the floor of the House...
...I could use the material...
...We can survive this, too...
...These are frabjous days...
...We can even laugh...
...You think the country is screwed up now...
...I wanted them to add an amendment saying anyone could carry a concealed weapon if he also wore one of those beanies with a propeller on top, but it didn't fly...
...Listen to these statesmen...
...All this and a balanced budget, too...
...No way they can pass a $40 billion package of loan guarantees so Mexico won't go down the economic tubes—not while Democrats are saying tacky things about Speaker Noot...
...All it takes is a strong stomach.M Molly Ivins, a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, appears in this space every month...
...The draft-dodging, dope-smoking, dive rced-his-dying-wife, dead-beat-dad Newt Gingrich (a characterization that meets every standard of accuracy set by Rush Limbaugh) is more fun than a Texas Tech football game...
...It is that the law has an insufficiently developed sense of the extenuatin' circumstance...
...Admit it...
...Our gang is ready...
...We've got legislators who make Dick Armey look like Justice William Brennan...
...So here's Robert Dornan, Republican member from California, calling the President a traitor and Dick Armey, Republican member from Texas, referring to Barney Frank of Massachusetts (Democrat, of course) as "Barney Fag...
...For instance, every ex-Speaker since 1969 has been indicted, except for the one who was killed by his wife...
...Besides, could they actually be that much worse than the Republican majority...
...Bring back states' rights...
...Send us more power and responsibility...
...Not one but three...
...We've got legislators who make Bob Dornan look like a zombie on Valium...
...Give more power and responsibility to the state legislatures...
...Give them more power...
...I'll just make a little bit...
...As Senator Carl Parker used to say, "If you took all the fools out of the Legislature, it wouldn't be a representative body anymore...
...Even you never thought Noot would hire a House historian who believes Hitler's side of the story has been insufficiently emphasized...
...For example, as Senator Bill Moore once pointed out, "But I won't make a whole lot of money on this bill...
...Why, nooooo, we have no problem with corruption...
...My favorite new member is Senator Drew Nixon from East Texas, whose campaign was enlivened by the news that he got arrested in Dallas last year in the company of three prostitutes...
...Smile or draw...
...They've already passed a bill permitting all Texans to carry concealed handguns...
...Devolution is just what we need in my state, by George...
...Smile when you say that, you polecat, you...
...Isn't this grand...
...Ah, my friends, rejoice...
...Not to mention orphanages, the book deal with Rupert Murdoch, and cutting poor children with spina bifida and multiple sclerosis off Supplemental Security Income...
...Come a recession and the government will have to cut spending and that'll fix things right up...
...Our nation survived eight years of Ronald Reagan as President...
...After Newt said, "There is no grotesquery, no distortion, no dishonesty too great" for his opponents to use against him, it was allie-allie-all-in-free in Washington...
...Do we have problems with corruption in the Texas Lege...
Vol. 59 • March 1995 • No. 3
