SMALL FAVORS
Ivins, Molly
SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins Brave New Age Ihave just returned from a New Age spa. I am in harmony and in balance, I am integrated, in touch with Father Sky and Mother Earth, living in the now and...
...My body and I have not been on speaking terms for years...
...Listen to your body," they kept telling us, "listen to your body...
...They do spend a lot of time Visualizing Peace...
...Oh hell, where's my center...
...I knew we were in trouble one night at the Old Age spa when a lady proposed we go around the dinner table and each say who we were going to vote for in November...
...I was stuck one afternoon when we were instructed, "Think of something about yourself you really like and then hold it close to your center: because before we can have peace in the world, all of us must each learn to love ourselves...
...Instead of singing "Kumbaiya," we went to T'ai Chi and learned the Dance of the Five Elements...
...I confessed to being a Democrat...
...Instead of saying, "Bush," as I had hoped, all the ladies in their daytime diamonds said, "George, of course...
...The Mega Borg stopped leaking, Congress refused to amend the Bill of Rights in order to deter flag-burners, and George Bush came out for new taxes...
...World peace depends on it...
...High damn time, too...
...I hardly ever get to be on the cutting edge of a trend, but here I am, fair chock-a-block with mind-body awareness...
...Meditation has married the longdistance hike and the push-up can be improved by crystals...
...My body, my spirit, my right brain, my center, my chi, my chakras...
...Don't any New Age people ever feed the hungry, clothe the naked, or shelter the homeless...
...And you see how well it works...
...Sounds like something from a space-invaders movie, no...
...Never got any friendlier...
...Ommmmmmmmm...
...In keeping with the New Age spirit of detachment, I refused to become upset upon returning to Texas and finding that some tanker called the Mega Borg was leaking oil all over our beaches...
...I am in harmony and in balance, I am integrated, in touch with Father Sky and Mother Earth, living in the now and open to the universe...
...Finally, on the fourth day, I said to it, "Body," I said, "how'd you like to go to the Vigorous Toning With Resistance Class at 9 a.m...
...Great, I'm finally in touch with my body and it turns out to have the personality of an unpleasant Mafioso...
...It stopped a mountain hike one morning by announcing, "You have a stone in your left shoe, stupid...
...What is is meant to be, quoth I serenely...
...Then it came to me: I have a fabulous space between my eyes...
...I heard from it several more times that week...
...That kind of thing...
...I decided against it...
...work...
...My friend Marlyn went to a Walking Clinic and the instructor told her she had perfect stride...
...I went to make-up class and the make-up lady assured me I have a fabulous space between my eyes...
...The people who brought you jogging are now out to aerobicize your spiritual life...
...There was a horrified silence and the lady who had proposed the game asked, with perceptible disgust on her face, "Do you...
...Molly Ivins, a columnist for the Dallas Times Herald, appears in this space every month...
...This is the latest development in the fitness craze...
...I like the New Age much better, but I got in trouble there, too...
...The spa, Rancho La Puerta in Baja, California, is a lot like camp for grown-ups, just with different b.s...
...I tried meditation and seriously considered spending half an hour a day for the rest of my life concentrating on the sensation of air going in and out of my nostrils...
...We're at Warp Six now, sir, and the Mega Borg is still gaining on us...
...Two years ago, I went to an Old Age spa near Dallas, also known as a fat farm, where the ladies all wore their daytime diamonds to exercise class in the swimming pool...
...My body just rolled along like Old Man River, he don't say nothin...
...I just get tired of all the concentration on self...
...What do I like about myself...
...I tucked that right into my center...
...Spend a week eating nothing but baby vegetables in strange colors (the tomatoes are yellow, the lettuce is red, the bell peppers are purple) and it will make you feel better...
...Clear as a bell, my body answered, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die...
...But Marlyn topped even that: Her masseuse told her she has great elasticity...
...Stop and take it out...
...Even at Old Age spas, they try to improve your self-esteem...
...I went to get in touch with my body...
Vol. 54 • August 1990 • No. 8
