SMALL FAVORS
Ivins, Molly
SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins The Golf • • • er, Gulf • • • Crisis The only fun I've found so far in the Golf Crisis is the faintly comic sight of George Bush galloping around the golf course like a...
...And here in South Austin, I know two particularly amiable pit bulls named Ripper and Slasher...
...Now that I've gotten that off my chest, let us proceed to the case of the man-hunting prison board member, Jerry Hodge, just another reason I'm proud to be a Texan...
...Poor Jerry Hodge felt hurt and disappointed when the press commenced to make a stink about his sporting ways...
...This is a real competitive bidness...
...I've started a new collection—explanations offered by oil-company spokesmen for the astronomical rise in gas prices ten minutes after Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait...
...Where's Freud when we need him...
...McNeely of the Statesman has a cock-a-poo named Tink-erbelle, a fine little tracker...
...Except we want to bring our own dogs...
...Otherwise, life in the Great State is rocking through the dog days with its usual panache...
...I particularly like the wounded-dignity-inflicted-by-ignorant-peasants approach, as in, "Anyone who accuses us of price-gouging simply does not understand the complex and involved mechanisms of oil pricing...
...Unless you count the gladsome tidings that the Western leader who went to meet Saddam Hussein face-to-face is Kurt Waldheim...
...Our politicians have undertaken a festive round of lying in television ads...
...Who are these idiots advocating an attack on Iraq...
...Lord, can't we at least agree that there is no such thing as "surgical bombing...
...ously bitten in the last three years...
...The object of the practice-manhunts is to train the dogs to track down real escaped prisoners should the need arise...
...Kilday of the News will bring Sparky the Wonder Dog, a Schnau-zer...
...Uh," he said...
...Ramsay of the Herald offers the services of Bear, who can climb tall fences...
...Sooner rather than later, it will be much, much cheaper for us to conserve energy than to kill tens of thousands of people...
...No one mentions the T-word, although the latest estimate on the size of the state's deficit ($3 to $5 billion) caused Speaker Gib Lewis to observe during a budget hearing, "I move we recess to go outside and throw up...
...We've stopped Saddam Hussein, we've got him surrounded and cut off, so now we let him negotiate the best deal he can: He's not holding any cards, what have we got to lose...
...Buy low, sell high, takes Einstein to understand it...
...They'll enjoy the Hodge-hunt...
...You don't do it on an operating table with a laser, for Christ's sake...
...My favorite was when the television crews dug up some gas-pump jockey down at Joe Bob's Exxon and asked him how come he was raising his prices...
...There are two kinds of bottom line in this deal: One is that war costs hell's own money...
...He had the hardest time getting the press to understand that there is nothing wrong with manhunting for fun...
...In a truly open-hearted gesture, he offered to let the press hunt him down with dogs so we could see for ourselves what good, clean fun it is...
...The second is what we put on the tombstones when they start shipping the bodies home: He Died to Keep Oil at $ 1 7-a-Barrel...
...Otherwise, it's been bizarrely grim, having to listen to Henry Kissinger night after night carefully enunciating "strategic interests" and "surgical bombing...
...Everyone who has ever lost someone he or she loved in a war has an obligation to talk back to these chest-thumping jackasses who are so anxious to get other people's sons killed...
...Hodge is the fellow who took a couple of his pals along on a prison board practice-manhunt with dogs and then, afterwards, gave them jackets tastefully inscribed, The Ultimate Hunt...
...The New York Times actually offered us a thoughtful thumb-sucker on The Psychology of Oil Pricing...
...Making the World Safe for Feudal Islamic Fiefdoms doesn't have much of a ring to it...
...SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins The Golf • • • er, Gulf • • • Crisis The only fun I've found so far in the Golf Crisis is the faintly comic sight of George Bush galloping around the golf course like a fool in the rain to prove what a cool, unworried fellow he is...
...Of course, the state did have to settle $14,000 on two "dog boys" in 1983 after some enthusiastic hounds made hamburger out of 'em...
...Quite naturally, the Texas press took up the offer with gusto...
...But now the dog boys wear protective clothing and there's only been one seriMolly Ivins, a columnist for the Dallas Times Herald, appears in this space every month...
...Cutbirth of the Telegram has a promising pup named Josh...
...In the name of God, why...
Vol. 54 • October 1990 • No. 10
