Smart as a Shrub
Ivins, Molly
SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins Smart as a Shrub George Bush the Younger ("Shrub" we call him) is running for governor of Texas and shapes up as a promising source of electoral entertainment. Shrub was...
...Some announcer with a four-balls voice will say, "Freedom to use junk bonds—one of our fundamental constitutional rights...
...If a homeless person won't move along, can the cops put a boot on him...
...And to what ends does ol' Harold put his influence...
...I like the equation of "keeping the Government off our backs" (where is Harold on drug testing...
...In the last five years I've headed up numerous fund-raising events here in Dallas for out-of-state Republican Senatorial candidates...
...There should be an ad campaign on television...
...And they say this boy is not ready to be governor...
...If you're for making the pie smaller—I'm not for that...
...Dallas justice added yet more lustre to its national renown by attempting to hang onto Randall Dale Adams, an innocent man sentenced to death for a murder he didn't commit, long after it was clear to all but the meanest intelligence there was no way he could even be tried again...
...He supports conservative Republican Senators because "I feel I get more bang for my buck dealing with senators than I could anybody else...
...As a result, I can now call on a first-name basis about thirty Republican Senators...
...with the use of junk bonds for hostile takeovers...
...Great hair, no integrity...
...Newt Gingrich, now there's a gladsome tiding...
...I will lobby for things I believe in, primarily to keep Government off our backs, to keep them from passing laws to stop hostile takeovers and junk bonds and things like that...
...One solon has introduced a bill to lop off the fingers of repeat drug offenders, joint by joint and then digit by digit for each offense...
...Can a homeless person say, "I'd rather not take the ticket here, just send it to me...
...He next inquired what these gentlemen did and one replied that he works for Mexican-American economic development...
...And the Legislature is almost too embarrassing to contemplate...
...That'sgreatthat'sgreat," said Shrub, and then leaned over to confess in greatest confidence, "If you're for making the pie bigger—I'm for that...
...Thank heavens we can turn to Washington for comic relief...
...This specimen's name is Harold Simmons, and he's a corporate raider by trade...
...When this was pointed out to him, the Speak promptly offered to round up the beasties and send them back...
...Diego, they ticket the homeless just as if they were illegally parked cars...
...Meantime, I'm pushing a new right-wing Dallas billionaire...
...He headed toward them with his hand out, saying, "HitherehitherehowareyouI'm-GeorgeBushgladtomeetyouhow'sitgoing-there...
...Another senator wants to make it a felony for anyone knowingly to spread AIDS...
...If the Republicans keep putting these right-wing fruitloops out front as spokesmen for their party, Democrats won't have to do dog...
...The Texas Lege has long had a tendency to notice grievous social problems and then pass laws against them...
...But the city of San Diego seems to have carried this trend to an apogee even the Texas Legislature hasn't yet contemplated: In San Molly Ivins, a columnist for the Dallas Times Herald, appears in this space every month...
...Shrub is a fast talker...
...Our public servants have been busy contributing to the general joy lately: Mayor Lee Cooke of Austin had this to say about why the city has been negotiating in secret for a new city manager: "I wanted to have all my ducks in a row so if we did get into a posture we could pretty much slam dunk this thing and put it to bed...
...The practice raises questions, of course...
...With any luck, Robert K. Dornan of California will be next...
...Shrub was recently in the Rio Grande Valley at a Republican function where two actual brown persons were in attendance...
...I like the boy's candor...
...That's the Donald Segretti school of politics...
...Shrub's daddy's dog had puppies and that's it for the good news: drugs, S&Ls, the environment, Third World debt—all of these get worse by the day while Bush the Elder continues to impress us with the news that he rises at seven and stays awake through cabinet meetings...
...The reason Republicans elected this repellent little demagogue to the whipship is that they thought it would annoy Democrats...
...Turns out the Parks and Wildlife Department has obligingly been stocking the Speaker's ranch with deer, elk, bass, and turkey, for which he has not paid...
...He's the real Bob Forehead...
...Isn't that nice...
Vol. 53 • May 1989 • No. 5
