SMALL FAVORS
Ivins, Molly
SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins Kick 'em While They're Down Well, the election is over, the Christmas tree will soon come down, you're in debt, you've gained weight, and here comes January, February,...
...When you say, 'Mac Sweeney' in Washington, do people say, 'He works for Texas...
...I thought, 'My God, he's talking about me!' Then I thought, 'If that's how he describes me, how would he describe Dolly Parton?'" Doubt not that your fellow citizens are out there fighting the good fight: An Austin man, fed up with "lawyers running the country," has filed a $1 billion class-action suit against the legal profession...
...Sweeney was done in by a law'n'order Democrat, proving once more that the people of this great nation will not vote for a terminal moron indefinitely...
...SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins Kick 'em While They're Down Well, the election is over, the Christmas tree will soon come down, you're in debt, you've gained weight, and here comes January, February, bills, Ry-Krisp and cottage cheese...
...Nonsense...
...No," they reported...
...Right at the start of his primary campaign, Sarpalius, a state legislator, was slugged by an angry constituent outside a honky-tonk on a Saturday night...
...This hero's name is James J. Madison and he's suing the American Bar Association, the Texas Supreme Court, and the University of Texas Law School for violation of antitrust law, claiming that they conspire to keep power out of the hands of nonlawyers...
...That's the system in America and I intend to prove it," said Madison...
...He ran some snazzy television ads with the tag-line, "In Washington, when you say 'Mac Sweeney,' people say, 'He works for Texas.'" I called several reliable sources in Washington to see if this was true...
...Sweeney, a Tight-wing Republican member of Congress from the Coastal Bend of Texas, is a man for whom the word "lightweight" is insufficient to the point of pain...
...Since many citizens of the L-word persuasion went straight from postelection depression into the holiday blues, it's none too soon to point out that the results of the recent plebiscite were not without merit...
...An aside to give homage to another deserving professional group: I recently had that quotation changed by a newspaper editor to read, "Let's do away with all the lawyers...
...The perpetrator broke Sarp's jaw, which had to be wired shut...
...Sarpalius couldn't talk for the whole primary, which was a mercy, because the guy is not exactly a rocket scientist...
...I mean all subjects, including Texas Aggie jokes...
...But if you're a working-class citizen, you may get little or none...
...Istopped by to see Ann Richards the other day and asked how she felt upon seeing George Bush describe her on national television by waving his hands above his head to indicate her hair while saying, "You know, that lady from Texas...
...In other glorious tidings, Bill Sarpalius got elected to Congress from the Texas Panhandle...
...that old trap we are so often warned of, but it's fun, and it feels good...
...In fact, it's not enough for me that they be beaten at the polls...
...I'd like to see them suffer flat tires on their way home from the polling place and get their pockets picked by someone in their crowd of supporters before making their concession speeches...
...My friends, there are those in public service of such mean-minded ignorance, of such selfish, petty nastiness that when they are finally down, the only thing to do is give them a few swift kicks in the ribs...
...Good on you, Brother Madison...
...Imagine a man who thinks Shamir is the killer whale...
...Since bleeding-heart liberalism requires copious compassion of its faithful, demanding that we be ever ready to empathize with everyone from milk-shy Hottentots to victims of liposuction gone awry, you may feel public gloating over the defeat of even such a noted nincompoop is in bad taste...
...Prove it, hell: Breathes there the man with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said, "First thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers...
...For one thing, Mac Sweeney got beat...
...Madison says if he wins, he will use the money to set up schools around Texas to teach folks how to represent themselves in court, as Madison is doing...
...Hating the haters may indeed be Molly Ivins, a columnist for the Dallas Times Herald, appears in this space every month...
...Sweeney was elected by accident during the Reagan sweep of 1984 and, as an incumbent, he had plenty of money...
...Imagine Dan Quayle without the substance...
...I was astonished," Richards reported...
...Sarp is the guy everybody voted for because he couldn't talk...
...Just as I suspected...
...He once tried to filibuster in the state senate, but ran through the full extent of his knowledge on all subjects in less than an hour...
...When you say 'Mac Sweeney' in Washington, people laugh...
...If you're rich, you can have all the justice you want...
Vol. 53 • January 1989 • No. 1
