SMALL FAVORS
Ivins, Molly
SMALL favors Molly Ivins People in Petri Dishes Not that it's my place to criticize the Almighty about anything, but it does seem to me that God, as a script writer, is frequently a little heavy...
...Her parents plan to have the cat restuffed and remounted on the window...
...Police in Richland Hills, Texas, put out a wanted bulletin on a female armed robber who has a rose tattoo on her left breast...
...The suspected foot fetishist is de-cribed as a twenty-three-year-old man with one ear...
...for a breast-off, an event that attracted quite a large crowd of other CB listeners...
...The University of Miami is doing a study that involves smelling people's feet...
...Just lately, the scenario on this green and pleasant orb has taken a distinct turn toward the bizarre...
...How is she going to pick which ones to have...
...Mary Sue Davis, the embryos' momma, has a different set of problems...
...Little does he know that the perfect job awaits him in Miami...
...Even after they compared mammary development, they could not decide who was larger, so they fought, using tire tools...
...Oldest ones first...
...In Boston, the public library has been plagued by an epidemic of shoe thefts...
...If she only has four of them, can the other three get a lawyer and sue...
...He'll be paying that off at $25 a year in the Huntsville penitentiary...
...Where are the right-to-life people on this outrage...
...Seems that women patrons who slip off their shoes while reading come back to attention to discover that one of their shoes is gone...
...The embryos' daddy, Junior Davis, was real upset about the ruling...
...Those with a tragic view of life will, of course, argue that it is not at all in the best interests of these kids to get born, but I, for one, believe that if the tragic view of life prevailed on the Blount County Circuit Court bench, the world would be a more pedestrian place...
...The cops got more than 300 calls from people saying they knew such a woman...
...Up to now, the Internal Revenue Service has refused to give tax deductions until after birth...
...Mary Sue's problem is—all seven...
...The scholars are trying to figure out why feet smell like cheese...
...Should someone enroll embryos One through Seven right now in a good preschool...
...SMALL favors Molly Ivins People in Petri Dishes Not that it's my place to criticize the Almighty about anything, but it does seem to me that God, as a script writer, is frequently a little heavy with the irony...
...She might want to join the two women who were arrested in Mesquite after an incident that started when they argued over the CB radio about which of them had larger breasts...
...Is there embryo primogeniture...
...They are going to force me to become a father against my wishes," he declared, which, when you think about it, may be an absolute first...
...In Houston, a man was given a forty-year prison sentence for meter-tampering...
...She stuck up a store while wearing a low-cut blouse...
...The whole place is starting to resemble one of those strange cartoons, like a panel of "The Far Side" or "Bizarro...
...Why aren't they picketing the revenooers...
...Molly Ivins, a columnist for the Dallas Times Herald, appears in this space every month...
...How the hell far does this decision go...
...Take the case of the seven human beings now living in petri dishes in Knox-ville, Tennessee...
...Does she want seven children...
...They decided to meet at a truck stop at 2 a.m...
...He kept illegally adjusting his electric meter, at a total revenue loss to the electric company of perhaps $1,000...
...If the seven frozen embryos are, in fact, children, Junior is already entitled to seven little tax deductions, which should help offset child-support costs, especially before the little nippers are born...
...In Corpus Christi, a five-year-old girl was saved from a bullet that came through the back window of her father's car by a stuffed Garfield cat stuck on the window...
...The cat deflected the bullet so that Cynthia Guerrero suffered only light injuries...
...These are the frozen embryos that Blount County Circuit Court Judge W. Dale Young has declared people, on grounds that life begins at conception...
...Perhaps the more heartless among you are saying that's what oF Junior deserves for trying to make a kid with a test tube, but personally I think the guy is overlooking a good bet...
...In other words, the little nippers have a right to get born...
...Recent perusal of the papers indicates that weird news is not confined to Tennessee...
...And according to a story datelined Moscow, giant vegetation is growing around the former nuclear power plant in Chernobyl...
...The Eggplant That Ate Chicago lives...
...The judge's decision concludes that since the embryos are human beings, "It is in the manifest best interests of the child or children, in vitro, that they be made available for implantation...
...In Spring Branch, Texas, a teacher was fired for showing the results of her breast implantation surgery to the cheerleader squad...
Vol. 53 • November 1989 • No. 11
