SMALL FAVORS
Ivins, Molly
SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins Too Wussy for Texas Biggest fight we've had all summer here in the Great State is over what motto to put on our license plates. The Highway Commission voted early this...
...But we do have a shit-kicker image to maintain, so the papers have been rife with suggestions like Yankee Go Home, and Fuck Alaska, and Texas: Kiss My Ass...
...If we were to go for honesty instead of public relations, we'd wind up with something like Too Much Is Not Enough or Texas—Land of Wretched Excess...
...The Highway Commission voted early this summer to put Texas—The Friendship State on our plates...
...Just another campaign contribution, folks...
...New Jersey—Armpit of the Nation...
...This caused the ever-vigilant guardians of Texas machismo to declare that we might as well call it The Gay Rights State...
...They almost wet their pants on the spot...
...And it wouldn't be false advertising— Texans actually are friendlier than normal people—at least outside the big cities, which you can prove any day by driving into a Texas town and saying "Hidy...
...Now, The Friendship State is not nearly as wussy a motto as The Wild-flower State—and it does have cultural roots...
...I remember wondering early on if guys like Mickey were going to make a difference in the Lege...
...Leland came out of the meeting with Clayton waving a tiny Confederate flag and announced, "We done sold de plantation...
...Oklahoma—The Recruiting Violations State...
...Minnesota—Too Damn Cold...
...Yep, gonna make a difference...
...He couldn't believe anyone would vote against poor, sick, old folks, but the drug companies and the doctors teamed up to beat his bill...
...In a voice that stopped traffic he yelled up, "Gottdammit, are you niggers comin' down to get lunch, or what...
...But you can't make a saint of a guy who laughed as much as Mickey...
...If honesty were a national license plate policy, we'd see: ¶ Rhode Island—Land of Obscurity...
...Historians will recall that we had the same flap a few years ago when some unusually demented Highway Commissioners decided Texas—The Wildflower State would look good on our plates...
...Or, perhaps, Home of the FDIC...
...One day during his first session I saw him standing in the middle of the Capitol rotunda, which is a natural amplifier, trying to get Craig Washington and Paul Ragsdale, who were peering down at him from the third floor gallery, to come along...
...He showed up wearing an Afro and dashikis, and the Bubbas thought he was some kind of freak-radical Black Panther, and it meant the end of the world was at hand...
...Our state motto is Friendship, and our state safety slogan is Drive Friendly, which is ungrammatical but perfectly clear...
...And he did...
...North Dakota—Incredibly Boring...
...During the 1975 speaker's race, members of the Black Caucus made a shrewd political play—they deserted the liberal/ labor candidate and threw their support to Billy Wayne Clayton, a West Texas redneck, in exchange for some major committee chairmanships and heavy clout...
...After the vote, he stalked up to the medical-association lobbyists at the back of the House and in a low voice that shook with fury he hissed, "You are evil motherfuckers...
...Molly Ivins, a columnist for the Dallas Times Herald, appears in this space every month...
...His first session Leland carried a generic-drug bill to help poor, sick, old people...
...Turns out it's perfectly legal to walk onto the Senate floor and start handing out checks for $10,000 made out to no one in particular...
...Maine—Home of George Bush...
...He made a much bigger difference in the world than all the damned old racists who used to vote against him...
...New York—We're Not Arrogant, We're Just Better than You...
...Nebraska—More Interesting than North Dakota...
...He got the bill passed in the next session...
...Bo Pilgrim is a familiar sight on Texas television, where he dresses up in a pilgrim suit and pitches ads for his fowl...
...My favorite Leland stories go back to the early 1970s, when he came to the Texas Legislature, one of the first blacks ever elected right out of a black district without having to get white folks' permission to run at-large...
...This was unanimously condemned as Too Wussy for Texas, and it took Bubba a couple of months to get it turned around...
...He said he wanted to encourage the senators, then meeting in special session on the workers' compensation issue, to do right by bidness...
...His chicken factory is a major source of pollution in East Texas so, of course, the governor put him on the state Water Quality Board...
...California—Freeway Congestion with Occasional Gunfire...
...The death of Houston Congressman Mickey Leland made so many hearts ache that poor Mick like to got buried under a mountain of hagiography...
...He adds a certain je ne sais quoi to our communal life...
...Wisconsin—Eat Cheese or Die...
...It was a slow summer for scandal here until Bo Pilgrim, an East Texas chicken magnate, walked onto the floor of the State Senate and started handing out $10,000 checks with no payee filled in...
Vol. 53 • October 1989 • No. 10
