SMALL FAVORS
Ivins, Molly
SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins Coming Up Roses Seems clear to me our national political life is taking a distinct turn for the better. ¶ The war in Nicaragua is over. ¶ Oliver North's been...
...Martin wound up paying a $2,000 fine because in Texas it is illegal to pay someone to shoot you—so don't ever come down here and try it—and then sued his cousin for having done it...
...Texas Rangers finally nabbed the Wrong Don in 1983, and brought him back so he could do a little time...
...whine and kvetch...
...So here's this feast of glad tidings, and what's the sorry ol' drag-ass Progressive do...
...But he came up with a unique plan to ensure his reelection: In 1981, Martin paid his cousin Charlie to shoot him in the arm, and then claimed it had been done by a Satanic communist cult out to get him on account of his pro-family and pro-American stands in the Legislature...
...Staniswalis's predecessor in the seat was Representative Ben Bynum, who has since been convicted of failing to keep track of public monies...
...Knapp's predecessor was Representative Hudson Moyers, who went to the hoosegow for an unusual maneuver: He bought a pickup truck with stamps charged to his legislative expense account...
...After his cousin Charlie confessed, Martin was called before a grand jury but went into hiding instead...
...he snatched his kids after a bad divorce and he's now being sought on Federal kidnapping charges...
...Lest you think we're talking only weird cases here, I give you the history of just one seat in the Texas Legislature, an Amarillo district...
...It's possible that God, too, thought he was the Other Don Yarborough...
...Bunch of Yankee radicals so pure they don't want to have to vote for the lesser of two evils...
...The Texas Rangers hunted him high and low, and finally tracked him to his momma's house, where he was found hiding in the stereo cabinet...
...The Mike Martin case is different in that it took a while for folks to notice how strange he was...
...The former lawmaker is still a wanted man...
...What do they know about lesser evil-ism...
...His predecessor was Representative Walter Knapp, who went to prison for misusing his postal privileges in a major way...
...Dollar Bill Blakeley was a Democrat so bad that he actually drove The Texas Observer, the only liberal newspaper in the state, into endorsing John Tower, no one's idea of a moderate Republican...
...At least not a one of them drools...
...The Wrong Don Yarbrough was a notable chapter in Texas politics...
...Did they ever have to choose between John Tower and Dollar Bill Blake-ley...
...Shortly after Knapp got out of Stripe City, he murdered his wife and then himself...
...He said the cult was called the Guardian Angels of the Underworld...
...fore the Legislature could impeach him, then was convicted on a perjury charge in 1978 and took it on the lam...
...The incumbent, Representative Chip Staniswalis, came to grief in a recent bid for higher office...
...I always did wonder what that car dealer thought Moyers was doing with all those stamps...
...Al D'Amato's in trouble...
...Turned out that on top of being a religious nut, the Wrong Don was being sued for a variety of malfeasances in his highly eccentric law practice, was under investigation by the State Bar on a colorful assortment of charges, had allegedly been plotting the death of a Victoria banker, and had helped a former business associate forge a car title in order to obtain a bank loan...
...He was heavily handicapped by having the district attorney call a press conference at the beginning of the campaign to announce that Staniswalis was under investigation for getting kickbacks from a legislative employee...
...And no matter who wins the White House in November, Ed Meese III will not be reappointed Attorney General of the United States...
...After paying his debt to society, he showed further enterprise...
...Did they ever cast a vote for the Wrong Don Yarbrough...
...First thing the Wrong Don did after his upset victory was announce that he owed his triumph to the Lord on account of God told him to run in the first place...
...Wind up supporting Representative Mike Martin...
...So he's back in stir, but the Wrong Don is still the most interesting guy we ever had on the Supreme Court...
...As a fugitive, Justice Yarbrough felt called to a mid-life career change and enrolled under another name at the very same medical school in Grenada that later became famous during the U.S...
...Bynum is currently on probation while he appeals his case...
...Never ask why Texans are tough, a people of strong mind and stronger stomachs: We have no alternative...
...During his first term, he appeared to be just a garden variety right-winger from East Texas...
...We elected him to the state Supreme Court in 1976 by mistake on account of his name looks like that of a better-known Texas Democrat, the Other Don Yarborough...
...The Feds had also taped him plotting the "extermination" of his enemies...
...So don't bleat at me about how pathetic and dispiriting our choice of Presidential candidates is this year...
...Gives you some idea of why the locals refer to Amarillo as Jackass Flats...
...Bitch and moan...
...Of course the Observer folks did so on the premise that it would be easy to oust a Republican after one term: Twenty-two years later, they were still wrong...
...He always did want to be the speaker...
...Bynum kept cashing checks—at liquor stores around town—intended for a campaign to build a new county courthouse...
...Jesse Jackson leads the pack...
...The Wrong Don graced the bench of the high court for six months, resigned beMolly Ivins, a columnist for the Dallas Times Herald, appears in this space every month...
...invasion of that country ("Our finest hour," said Ronald Reagan...
...In 1986, the former justice pleaded guilty to bribing a banker and trying to launder $500,000 worth of drug money...
...Oliver North's been indicted...
Vol. 52 • May 1988 • No. 5
