SMALL FAVORS
Ivins, Molly
SMALL FAVORS Molly Ivins Unsung Heroes We've been neglecting the minor players in the national farce, a shameful oversight given their stellar contributions to the boffo burlesque in Washington....
...Turner holds a doctorate in organic chemistry from the University of Southern Mississippi, so he knows...
...It seems to be something that follows along, all right...
...Another hero of the people is Deputy Secretary of State John Hawes, who is still propounding the theory that the Soviets are using "yellow rain," a form of chemical warfare, in Afghanistan...
...But Hawes said recently, "It's a horrible thing to say, but they may in fact have been Soviet test programs of new agents in conflict situations...
...The combination is both daring and thoughtful, naive yet ingenious, a subtle harmonizing of flavors that would bring Craig Claiborne to his knees...
...Ed Meese wants to repeal the Miranda rule, Maxwell Smart is still in charge of the contras, the State Department can't tell chemical warfare from bee poop...
...Tell me that doesn't show an amazing imagination at work...
...In an interfund transfer worthy of Lieutenant Colonel North himself, the money came out of a Department of Agriculture program to feed the hungry...
...I love these last days of the Reagan Administration...
...They roam around out of a frolicsome sense of play, I presume...
...They fear Reagan will no longer be able to act...
...The story goes on to quote a lot of experts who call Turner twenty-seven kinds of a fool, but it's hard to quarrel with his rigorous scientific analysis of the data...
...But consider the originality of the Wentzel menu: boiled ham, succotash, and a Twinkie...
...mission to the United Nations who objected to a U.N...
...entific backing for his claims, but he says that when he visits drug-treatment centers for patients under eighteen, he finds that roughly 40 per cent of them have engaged in homosexual activity, it seems to be something that follows along from their marijuana use,' he said...
...Another player we need to salute is Carlton Turner, the White House drug adviser, who believes smoking dope will make you queerer than Liberace and give you AIDS, too...
...My friends, Reagan's pilot ain't lit and half the people working for him are loosely wrapped...
...It seems bees in Asia get into giant swarms, and when they all take a dump at once, it comes down as yellow rain...
...Iparticularly want to salute the unknown hero who thought up where to get the money for the $28 million pay raise for members of the Cabinet, their assistants, Federal judges, and members of Congress...
...Here's the Associated Press story: "White House drug adviser Carlton Turner believes that marijuana smoking may lead to homosexuality...
...The spotlight focused on Ronald Reagan, Donald Regan, Oliver North, and the better-known bozos has kept us from fully appreciating the artistry of the lesser members of the cast...
...The diplomat explained to The New York Times, "These are people who in some cases wish to stay on the streets, roaming around not solely because they have no place to go...
...It's wonderful...
...His particular objection was to the inclusion of New York City in the film, because it left out "the individual-rights element...
...Why do you want him to act...
...Take James Wentzel...
...Most of you know the pattern with this agency: Every year the Administration cuts off all the money for lawyers for poor people and every year Congress restores it...
...If you ever need a heart transplant, pray you get one from the author of that plan...
...Turner offers scant sciMolly Ivins, a columnist for the Dallas Times Herald, appears in this space every month...
...The guy had an entire grocery store to choose from and he stole succotash, boiled ham, and a Twinkie...
...Hawes is undeterred by scientific evidence that what the Administration claims is a manufactured toxic compound is actually apian poo-poo or bee doody...
...There haven't been so many dimbos wandering around freely doing and saying lunatic things since James Watt ran the Interior Department...
...But in the face of all this joy, we still find some sane citizens fretting because the Iran-contra scandal has weakened the President...
...film about efforts around the world to find shelter for the homeless...
...The script was stale and the audience bored when Wentzel took a new tack recently and got himself stopped outside a grocery store on suspicion of shoplifting...
...At the very least, he says, gays who use pot are risking damage to their immune system and vulnerability to AIDS...
...I also like the member of the U.S...
...His name is not a household word, but he's still head of the Legal Services Corporation, which he has been dutifully trying to destroy ever since he was appointed...
...He pleaded with them not to arrest him, said "It will ruin me," so they let him go...
...Those who hold supporting roles in this Administration are worthy of attention from the most discriminating fans...
...This was first pointed out by a couple of bee experts from Yale University in 1983, and it has since been confirmed by British and Canadian studies...
...you'll know it's never been used...
...OK, so practically anybody in this Administration can get arrested for practically anything—influence peddling, wife beating, you name it...
...The security guards searched him and found a can of succotash in his back pocket, a Twinkie in his side pocket, and a package of boiled ham in his inside coat pocket...
...It's marvelous...
Vol. 51 • April 1987 • No. 4
