The Last Word
LUEDERS, BILL
THE LAST WORD Bill Lueders Letter to a New Arrival When you were born, Jesse, I held your mother and cried. It was the most amazing experience I've ever had. I recognized you the moment your head...
...even before the rest of you appeared...
...Then it occurred to me that the problems of the world can't possibly wait that long, and that there's really only one effective way to teach: by example...
...Will you die in a fireball, or will it be something worse...
...I'm getting way ahead of us, though...
...the people of this country are conditioned from birth to have an intense fear and loathing of anything labeled "communist...
...Be a kid as long as you can...
...It was hard for him to talk then, his lungs were so far gone, but he cradled his arms as if he were holding a baby...
...less money for schools and the needy...
...There's nothing wrong with that name," she insisted, and, of course, there isn't...
...Possibly not...
...Politicians give in because they tend to be spineless oafs...
...I've even wondered, sometimes, whether it was right to bring you into the world...
...How your grandpa would have loved you, little one...
...Every day it becomes more likely that the bombs will be used...
...When you were born, the President of your country was engaged in a propaganda campaign to provide military aid to a group of surly mercenaries, called contras, bent on overthrowing the elected government of another country, Nicaragua...
...No, the responsibility for making this a better world is ours, not yours...
...Will they order you to fight in some stupid war...
...Yes," I reassured him, "if it's a boy, we're going to name him Jesse Lorenz...
...People everywhere will try to sentence you to a future based on the limits of their imagination: Go to school, get a job, work hard, look right, fit in, move up, roll over, play dead...
...I knew you were a boy...
...The President backed him up...
...This essay appeared in somewhat different form in The Shepherd, an alternative paper published in Milwaukee...
...I'm sorry, little one...
...Will this tactic work...
...No one who looks into those big calm eyes of yours could doubt it...
...The day he died he asked me once again about what your mom and I had told him...
...Treat people with respect but never let them put you down...
...Presidents and other liars merely need to utter the word to get what they want: more money for weapons and military involvements...
...Every day they tell more lies so they can build more bombs still...
...Just to have seen you, so tiny and cuddly and full of life, would have melted his heart...
...Anything else is merely words...
...But then I think of all the other reasons to cry for you—reasons that have nothing to do with happiness...
...Perhaps, if we taught you to be a humanitarian and a fighter and...
...There will be plenty of time for lectures later, when you're old enough not to want to listen...
...Tell them to go to hell...
...Will they send you to prison if you refuse...
...new assaults on people's privacy...
...Thousands of Nicaraguans have already been killed for the crime of supporting their own government...
...It was the last thing that ever made him happy...
...He would have wanted you to have the best of everything—to grow up strong and happy and healthy and proud...
...Being at peace with the world is boring and wrong...
...Every day they build more bombs...
...Bill Lueders, a former editorial intern at The Progressive, is news editor of Isthmus, a weekly in Madison, Wisconsin...
...tighter controls on what people may see, hear, and read...
...I loved you immediately—not just as a cute little baby but as a human being, my son...
...Is there hope for the future...
...He shaped his thumb and forefinger into an "OK" sign...
...That's a terrible admission, but it's true...
...We named you Jesse, Hebrew for "gift of God," because it sounded gentle and strong...
...One official of our Government even advanced the notion that members of Congress who refuse to support these killers are in league with communism...
...Will you be poisoned by chemicals while playing in a field...
...It always has...
...Sometimes the only honorable thing to do is fight...
...It's better to be a rebel, a dreamer, a malcontent...
...Your middle name, Lorenz, German for Lawrence, was my dad's first name...
...I recognized you the moment your head popped out...
...Finally, your mom put her foot down...
...Thousands more will die if bur President has his way...
...And your arrival is, at the very least, a beginning— an affirmation of our confidence that life is good enough to spread around...
...Right now, all you want is to be fed and to have your diapers changed...
...I want all that for you and more...
...Cradling you in the crook of my arm, I am so happy with you I could cry...
...Will you even get to live to be as old as I am now, Jesse...
...The day you were born it occurred to me that you might be able to do something about the problems of the world...
...Our choice proved to be controversial: "Whenever I hear that name," one relative complained, "I think of Jesse James or Jesse Jackson"—as if a bank robber and a civil-rights leader were equally to be despised...
...It's better to fight it every step of the way—you'll still have to grow up but maybe it won't be as bad...
...I wish I could shield you from the world, but I can't...
...Most folks force themselves to grow up before they need to, only to find out too late what a lousy deal it is...
...Every time I think about it, I experience new anxieties: Will some bastard put slivers of glass in your baby food...
...I want you to be free—freer than your mom and I—to shape your own destiny...
...not with your fists—that's always dumb—but with all your heart and soul...
Vol. 50 • June 1986 • No. 6
