WHOSE FREEDOM OF CHOICE!

...Most psychotherapists share the assumption that we live in a society so inhibiting to male feelings and so one-sided on issues of parenthood that few men are able to see either the emotional or the practical issues surrounding abortion as "their" problem...

...Since the decision is all hers, he feels powerless—angry, rejected, alienated...

...Of ten psychiatrists and psychologists with whom I talked, seven said no male client had ever discussed an abortion with them, nor had a man ever begun therapy with them because of a problem related to abortion...

...issues of power and control surface often in these stories...

...And we had better get on with facing all that—unless we want to settle for the mindless political polarization that has already reduced us to slogans like "A woman has a right to control her body" or "Life begins at conception...

...Their very presence made them a select group, since most women come in alone...

...He refused to see a counselor and, although Irerte finally agreed to the abortion, he is still bitter and sees himself as having been trapped in a situation where "a man just can't win...

...Really, I think it was worse for him than for me...

...It would be shameful if the country were treating it as anything other than what it is—a matter of life and death...

...and denies them their rightful roles as fathers...

...Logan is a leader in an organization in Washington, D.C., called Free Men, one of a number of groups loosely allied under the banner of Men's Liberation...

...The time has come, it would seem, for women— especially those of us committed to choice—to admit that men suffer their own ambiguities and that they, too, have moral and spiritual choices to make...

...And he believes it is immoral to deny men a role in making such decisions...

...like others, she believes many men would try to prevent the abortion if they were included in the decision-making...

...Here the man identifies with the child to such an extent that the loss of the child amounts to "loss of self"—almost to his own death...

...but if she has it, he is expected to support it—whether he wanted it or not...

...Erik remarked on the difference between his attitude and that of a friend who donates sperm to a fertility clinic—apparently with no concern whatsoever for the descendants he has "running around in cities all over the United States...

...Their view is the opposite of the societal one, which portrays the woman as the victim...

...Another counselor at the Women's Medical Center sees the same behavior but interprets it differently...

...There may be something to that...

...it alienates men from their children Judith Paterson is a free-lance writer in Washington, D.C...

...In this study, 92 per cent of the men said men as well as women have strong feelings about abortion when it involves them, and 51 per cent wished the clinic had paid more attention to their feelings and needs...

...Men have this eternal quest for control...

...nevertheless, the results of the survey were dramatic enough to dilute the two stereotypes most commonly accepted by abortion clinic workers—that the partners of most women who come for abortions are either indifferent or opposed to abortion...

...The abortion of a fetus with which he identifies may cause him to relive his own "babyness" in relation to a woman about to "abandon" him to take on other responsibilities...

...Abortion," Logan says, "is just one of many areas in which women have 'gotten the jump on men.' We can't argue with the slogan, 'A woman has the right to control her own body,' but we want equal rights too, and freedom of choice...

...Erik, a twenty-six-year-old law student, was seeing a South African woman who got pregnant and wanted to have the baby...

...Lewis, a twenty-eight-year-old black man with no children, appeared at a Planned Parenthood Men's Center angry and resentful that the woman with whom he had lived for five years was planning an abortion...

...I am a feminist...

...Although Erik eventually talked the woman into having an abortion, he is only hesitantly pro-choice...

...The child was normal at birth...

...Like Howard, he also had a sense of heritage, of the importance of perpetuating himself...

...Neil Bernstein, a clinical psychologist, also emphasizes the effect of "denial and distancing...

...They may even resort to physical abuse in an attempt to get it back...

...Women have slugged us into a corner on that one...

...All right...

...In her words...

...Erik and Howard made different choices, but at an emotional level their responses are much the same...

...The woman can choose abortion even if he wants the child...

...The abortion affected him strongly...

...For better or for worse, an abortion brings out the stark, naked truth of a relationship' Andre Watson, health educator for the Men's Center of Planned Parenthood in Washington, says he sees many men like Lewis...

...She admits, however, that every case is different and that some men do support partners who seek abortion...

...It is a matter that touches all of us at the level of our deepest concerns...

...Perhaps that is what we are seeing in the extremes that already characterize the political debate over abortion...

...Recently, Irene had a third abortion with the cooperation and support of a lover with whom she has what she describes as a "deep involvement...

...All too often they and their feelings get short shrift from the women with whom they are involved, and from the professionals who provide abortion services...

...As Irene tells it, this man was unable to face his own emotions and, like her former husband, unwilling to accept any kind of professional counseling...

...I do think women have the right to control their bodies and their lives...

...And if the personal and social truths embedded in attitudes like Erik's continue to be swept under the rug, they are bound to emerge in other, more destructive forms...

...Psychiatrist Richard Epstein also insists that because an abortion is always felt as a loss, it evokes powerful and complex feelings in men as well as women...

...According to Stevenson, most of the married women who have abortions at the Women's Medical Center do so without the knowledge of their husbands...

...Anyway, I don't want it to grow up away from me...

...If all of that gets blocked and is not resolved, it is bound to have a dramatic and destructive impact on the relationship...

...Often, she adds, both partners have failed to consider the possibility of pregnancy and what it would mean to the relationship—until after it happens...

...Unlike Erik, he preferred certain life-risks to abortion, which he came to see as incompatible with his image of himself as father, as protector...

...Some men, she says, do want to be involved and feel a real sense of abandonment if they are left out...

...Apparently, many women are handling the implications of abortion alone, and many men are repressing them to a degree that must surely be dangerous both to their mental health and to the always precarious truce between the sexes...

...Howard, a Californian influenced by the freedom movements of the 1960s and 1970s, considered his attitude toward abortion "permissive, casual, uncomplicated" until his wife came down with German measles during her third pregnancy...

...One of the most significant issues in any death," Epstein concludes, "is grief over missed opportunities...

...The result is a situation that produces a network of problems for women, for children—and for men...

...But usually, he admits, the men do not permit themselves that degree of awareness...

...Many women handle the implications of abortion alone, while men repress them to a dangerous degree Back in 1978, Linda Bird Francke's book, The Ambivalence of Abortion, voiced the intense moral and emotional ambivalence women were facing with abortion...

...True, he may have doubted the woman's sincerity in relinquishing all claims on him, but his greatest anxiety stemmed from a sense of connection to the unborn child, the feeling that he did not want his progeny, his "seed," going into life without him...

...Only 8 per cent thought women should deal with the experience alone...

...Lauretta Stevenson, director of counseling and fertility at the Women's Medical Center in Washington, is typical in insisting that most men do not want counseling...

...For Logan, the right to choose in matters of childbearing is especially significant because it reflects the tendency to charge women with all the rights and responsibilities of parenthood...

...Although the woman planned to take the child back to Africa and was asking nothing of Erik, he became upset and insisted that the woman have an abortion— for reasons far different from those stereo-typically ascribed to the male who "wants out...

...it places a heavy burden on women...

...Stevenson attributes the disagreement over abortion to the shifting roles of men and women...

...Richard Epstein and others make it clear that abortion is a complex men's issue as well...

...He is concerned, calm, and thoughtful on the subject...

...A .more adult reaction, however, might stem from a desire to "generate and renew himself—to leave something of himself and his heritage behind in raising a child...

...I was told repeatedly that men do not reveal "that kind of problem" even to professionals...

...They felt that discussing the decision had strengthened the relationship...

...Speaking both politically and personally, one experienced journalist told me, "Abortion is the toughest issue the Left has now, and men don't feel they can say or do a thing...

...I have learned that men have strong feelings about abortion when it involves them, and they are reluctant to express those feelings to anyone...

...It deprives children of the measure of family life they deserve...

...This reaction will be particularly acute, Epstein says, for a man who wants to remain the primary object of the woman's concern...

...Epstein cites "narcissistic identification" as another primitive response...

...He describes "Men's Lib" not as a reaction against the women's movement but as an extension of it—an attempt by men to claim for themselves the same freedom from stereotypes that women have been claiming for almost twenty years now...

...But she, too, generalized that many more men than women do not believe in abortion and often run away from the guilt by acting blase and defensive...

...Abortion, he says, is "undeniably a death experience, a loss experience, and a separation experience with immense reverberations for everybody...

...At the most primitive level, a man may feel deeply rejected by the destruction of "the most important thing he can give the woman he loves—the 'magical gift.' " A man who feels rejection to that degree may undergo a profound depression: "He feels negated at the deepest level...

...It does indeed...

...Yet a survey done at Preterm, a reproductive health center and the oldest free-standing abortion clinic in Washington, presents a different picture...

...He worries about the "negative spiritual consequences" of abortion and thinks women have "trivialized" the issue by emphasizing the right to control their bodies...

...But now, at thirty-eight, Jeb fears he will never marry, never have children...

...He concluded our conversation angrily: "It just gives women a hell of a lot of power...

...But this time, with the help of psychiatric counseling and group therapy undertaken together, the two were able to make the decision together and preserve the relationship—although again the man was more disturbed by the prospect of abortion than Irene was...

...He was amazed at the intensity of his objections to the "destruction" of his offspring, surprised at the rift between his political posture and his paternal feelings...

...Such a man will experience an abortion as the loss of the woman or, more accurately, loss of control over the woman—which for him may be essential to the relationship...

...For him, an unwanted abortion would violate the very essence of masculinity— which depends upon a man's ability to produce and control...

...Like Erik, he felt a powerful connection to the unborn child—a bond we often attribute to mothers, hardly ever to fathers...

...For better or for worse, an abortion brings out the stark, naked truth of a relationship...

...Still, recent conversations with men have taught me some things I did not know...

...Irene's tale of the varied reactions of three men with whom she experienced abortions vividly illustrates another refrain running through the accounts I heard: American men are poorly equipped to handle the powerful emotions that arise in such circumstances, and they seldom find the support they need or even seek it...

...Unfortunately, a certain lack of sympathy for men—even hostility—often surfaces among workers at abortion clinics and reproductive health centers...

...Doctors advised an abortion, but the couple said no...

...His image suggests battle—a boxing ring, with men in one corner and women in the other...

...Mary Wright, director of counseling at Preterm, which still has no routine counseling services for men, admitted that sometimes the man is more upset by an abortion than the woman...

...He looks back with ambivalence on the abortion he and a woman decided upon some ten years ago...

...He tells of having treated men who became seriously disturbed after their wives had abortions— sometimes being unable to function sexually or professionally...

...He wanted us to have the baby together and he has never gotten over it...

...Men don't care," or, "Men want to control our bodies," and men thinking, "We have rights and feelings too, but are afraid to say so...

...Howard still seems baffled when he describes his reaction...

...On the other hand, a man may favor an abortion out of a simple refusal of responsibility for either mother or child...

...With the exception of Planned Parenthood, most clinics and centers offer only the most limited services for men...

...Although we are still friends, the relationship was never the same...

...Dr...

...Men who have are usually less philosophical about it...

...Men who can get in touch with their feelings, he says, experience abortion with the same wide range of emotions and ambivalences that women do— including compassion for the partner, guilt about destroying life, and disappointment at having made a mistake...

...She says what looks like indifference or hostility often reflects the man's helplessness, his fear, and "a terrible ignorance" about what is happening to the women emotionally and physically...

...But it makes a point too often overlooked: that abortion is not just a political issue and not just a women's issue...

...They are confused, uncertain, sometimes disturbed, often angry...

...Most men," he says, "would be pro-choice but for the wrong reasons—it makes them feel safe...

...But men haven't had to work it out to the extent that women have...

...The abortion conflict between men and women begins to look like a vicious cycle, with women saying...

...When Irene became pregnant just as her marriage was breaking up, her husband became so disturbed that he threatened suicide unless she had an abortion immediately...

...typically they rationalize, block, and deny their feelings in a way that leaves women to bear the brunt of the emotional responsibility...

...He says he misses the ten-year-old he could have had...

...I don't want my child turning out to be another Charles Manson," he said dramatically at one point...

...As Epstein describes it, however, individuals react in accord with the psychological level at which they experience the abortion...

...It is time, too, for responsible, concerned men to begin speaking and thinking—even feeling— for themselves...

...So when it happens to them— although their emotions are strong and real—they are not equipped to handle it...

...Erik's is an unusually sharp example of an intense (perhaps, as he says, primitive) emotional reaction, one that may be out of place in a world where morality and technology race ahead at breakneck pace...

...Lewis regards abortion and the siring of children as issues of control and pride—probably of ethnic identification as well...

...But according to Washington psychologist Arnold Medvene, although men have less experience and skill than women in dealing with such events as abortion, they feel them deeply nonetheless...

...In 1979, two Preterm counselors, Adriane Fugh-Berman and Mario Vas-quez, distributed a questionnaire to men who came to the clinic with women seeking abortions...

...There remains something of the old "He's the s. o. b. who knocked her up" syndrome, suggesting that the much-needed advocacy of women's rights has hardened into a stance that is almost "anti-man...

...Counselors and administrators seem convinced that men do not want to be involved and would not take advantage of expanded services...

...Erik called it a tribal or primitive reaction...

...Jeb's tale is typical of many I heard from men in their late thirties and forties...

...Although Howard is a generation older than Erik and the father of three children, their experiences have something in common...

...Irene's next pregnancy occurred five years later during a long-term love affair...

...To paraphrase Kenny Rogers, "It ain't free and it ain't easy," but the emotional and moral issues are as real as the political issues, and they are as real for men as they are for women...

...and, like it or not, in our society the buck of child-rearing does stop with the mother...

...I did not get the feeling that he had ever had to face the abortion of a fetus he had fathered...

...At this stage a man will experience abortion as the loss of an opportunity to live out a desirable adult role...

...A more conscious, but nonetheless immature, reaction occurs when a man uses a woman's pregnancy to "seal the woman in and make her permanently dependent upon him," Epstein says...

...Like many others in his field, Watson thinks conflict over abortion often affects a relationship— and sometimes destroys it...

...Both agreed that the time and circumstances were not right for them to have a child together...

...He fantasizes about the relationship, the love, the pleasure he might be sharing with the child (always imagined as a boy...

...He could stand to see his child aborted, but he could not tolerate the thought that it would be raised in a foreign culture, by a woman he mistrusted, under circumstances he considered unwholesome...

...The result is a stand-off with the sexes backed into their own corners—all the while becoming angrier and more intractable...

...Although 77 per cent thought the best way to help their partners was by controlling their own feelings, most said they had made the decision jointly...

...I would miss something...

...she believes men are becoming more family-oriented at a time when women are becoming more interested in careers and other goals...

...Logan is just one of many men who talked to me in the last few months about abortion...

...Abortion counselors are often sure men do not want to be involved—but a survey done at Washington's oldest abortion clinic presents a different picture These stories point to a common theme: Men have concerns and feelings about childbirth and abortion that get hardly any attention in the current debate...