The delivery
Norman, Liane Ellison
THE LAST WORD The delivery Liane Ellison Norman It was not yet a godly hour. I was still groggy with sleep, not entirely sure whether I had really heard the doorbell or had merely dreamed it. But...
...You must be crazy...
...It's up to you lady," said the delivery man...
...Listen, I've got no water except in the bathtub...
...I ordered...
...I had an anxious thought...
...I didn't order that," I said...
...I wouldn't threaten to use that thing, not and get blown up myself...
...I wasn't asleep...
...I said, seeing it resting on a wheeled platform...
...I hadn't even had my coffee...
...But the delivery man was stubborn...
...Oh my God...
...It's right here...
...You've got to be kidding...
...Well, I don't want them," I said firmly...
...I don't think clearly that early in the morning...
...That's all, ma'am...
...I asked...
...I could, I thought longingly, be in my bed, nested snugly in the rumpled sheets, sound asleep...
...When the neighbors see this thing, they'll have a fit...
...Nor will my neighbors...
...Hey, calm down...
...I will not have it in my front yard," I said slowly, with heavy-handed and exaggerated patience...
...But there he stood on the front proch, surrounded by his hardware, saying he had come to deliver...
...And—a bargain—just ten bucks for the tank of nerve gas...
...He spoke with the pride of special knowledge...
...Oh sure," said the delivery man...
...You can change the targeting around any way you want...
...They'll all be scared to death...
...I'm only doing my job, see...
...Good Lord...
...Put the tank in the street, along the curb," I said...
...You'd better have it...
...It was perfectly real...
...We'll dig a pool in the back," he said...
...But I didn't order anything," I said, bewildered...
...Plant petunias in it, for all I care...
...Well, I'm not going to sign for something I didn't order," I said...
...Paperwork says you did, ma'am...
...With all that hardware out front, you won't be safe unless you've got some strategic force in reserve...
...One spanking new Trident submarine with Trident missile...
...No problem...
...Do the Russians know I've got it...
...Liane Ellison Norman is an essayist and an assistant professor of English at the University of Pittsburgh...
...I have it right here in black and white...
...In a free country, you get what you pay for...
...What am I going to do with that...
...One point eight million for the tank...
...You paid for it...
...Take it back...
...They told me to deliver this stuff...
...Where do you want the ICBM...
...Forty million for the ICBM...
...You paid for it, remember...
...I don't want all that stuff...
...Yeah," he said, "but you'd still have your submarine...
...I don't want to be somebody's target...
...No one's going to hassle you with that in your front yard," he said...
...And if the neighbors complain," he said, "give 'em a little whiff of this nerve gas...
...Well, get it out of here," I screamed...
...You been paying for it right along, forty cents to the tax dollar...
...Well, what is it...
...I'd sink it in the front yard, if I was you," he offered...
...One point one billion for the sub and another ten point five million for the missile...
...Safer...
...Besides, it's hideous...
...Look, lady," said the delivery man...
...It was too much...
...They've got satellite reconnaissance...
...And take all this junk with you...
...One Minuteman HI ICBM missile with hard silo...
...The delivery man was interested in the problem...
...All the paperwork...
...I don't want it in my front yard," I said...
...So will you please just sign here and tell me where to put it...
...One medium tank of nerve gas...
...You get it...
...Get out of here...
...You'd have to dig up my tomatoes, and I'd rather have tomatoes than a missile...
...He consulted his clipboard with its assorted manifests and invoices...
...I'm a great believer in firmness with salespeople and telephone solicitors...
...I exclaimed...
...asked the delivery man...
...One XMI Abrams tank...
...Each of these warheads will hit just a few yards from the target...
...I breathed, seeing for the first time the size of the monster...
...I was exasperated...
...Yes, you did," he said...
...No way, lady," he said, pulling my hardiest tomato plant up and tossing it aside, blossoms and half-ripe tomatoes and all...
...Sometimes these time payments pay off...
...What the hell am I going to do with a tank...
...Well, where shall I put 'em...
...Lady," said the delivery man irritably, "do you realize how much safer you're going to be once this missile is in...
...I tied the sash of my bathrobe...
Vol. 45 • April 1981 • No. 4
