End Game: Remedies

...Some excerpts: "Far too many Americans are having their chances for social and career advancement ruined nowadays by unsightly 'knuckles,' as doctors refer to them...

...Many persons previously thought to be 'slow-witted' or 'dumb as an ox' or even just 'a little thick upstairs' will undoubtedly discover that their bothersome condition is easily correctable with Brain-O...

...nagging 'knuckles' can be made to disappear almost overnight simply by applying this powerful but pleasant-smelling cream ointment to the affected area...

...The queen of that country remarked, not long ago, on the ambassador's wife's smooth, firm fingers, and asked where she could get some...

...As most sun lovers are all too painfully aware, tiny grains of abrasive 'sand' often chafe and irritate our sensitive spinal knobs, leaving them rough and drab and, well—the objects of petty but deeply humiliating beachfront gossip...

...ambassador to a huge, powerful country...

...END CAME Remedies RICHARD LIPEZ Doc Fitzgerald's Laboratories (a division, since 1971, of Hurtlebutt-Snopesack International Industries of Houston and Djiboutie) has just released its midyear brochure listing newly developed home health remedies (for remedying the health of your home and, Doc Fitzgerald's clearly hopes, its occupants), as well as a wide range of pharmaceutical beauty aids meant to combat embarrassing ugliness...

...Well, it needn't happen ever again, thanks to the introduction of Doc Fitzgerald's new spray-in ear freshener, Lobe-licious...

...This 'medically-proved' neuro-decongestant is expected by Doc Fitzgerald's to revolutionize thinking in America, much of which, the Doc himself is known to believe, has been hindered in recent years by stuffed-up brains...

...Brain-O, already on the shelves at most supermarkets, beauty aid outlets, and interstate bus terminals, is guaranteed to relieve clogged brain passages and give cells room to think...

...Most doctors agree that a well-regulated waking-sleeping cycle is essential for top-notch physical and mental health, and if top-notch physical and mental health for everyone isn't Doc Fitzgerald's main reason for existing, then, Good Lord, what is...

...With the swimming and boating season at its peak, swimmers and boaters will be greatly relieved to discover Doc Fitzgerald's all-new Spiffy Spine-ola, a spray-on 'cosmetic sheen medication' that combats dull spinal knobs...

...Designed to 'neutralize' instantly those pesky tiny microorganisms that give rise to unpleasant ear odor, Lobe-licious...

...Up until now, we could only abruptly excuse ourselves, rush home sobbing, violently pound our mattress, and bury our face in our pillow to muffle our screams of excruciating embarrassment...

...The wife of a Deputy Assistant Secretary of Commerce tested Digit-offit...

...The list holds out new hope for sufferers from a number of "newly discovered" ailments, blemishes, and defects that, according to Doc Fitzgerald's research department, have been spreading lately "like the plague, or even the mild itching and burning sensation...

...No more...

...Experts aren't sure what causes them, but it is known that 'knuckles' are responsible for those aggravating telltale 'wrinkles' at the 'bends' in our 'fingers.' Until very recently, finger wrinkles could be removed only by a certified cosmetic surgeon in an expensive operation that, it has been said, only a Doc Fitzgerald's shareholder could afford...

...Since the introduction some fourteen years ago of Doc Fitzgerald's anti-wakefulness tablet, Nightly-Sleep-tightly, large numbers of insomniacs who use this product have found it difficult, if not impossible, once finally asleep, to awaken...

...into any orifice as soon as the alarm goes off, and within seconds you'll get that invigorating I'll-never-sleep-again feeling that you need to carry you through till it's time for your Nightly-Sleep-tightly...

...Doc Fitzgerald's research department has not been unaware of this troublesome 'glitch' in the Doc Fitzgerald scheme of things, and— well, sure enough, now, finally, it is possible to have it both ways...

...None of us likes to admit it, but let's face the truth: Our delicate aural tissues sometimes—especially on muggy summer nights—'go bad.' Richard Lipez, a columnist for the Amherst Record in Massachusetts, contributes the "End Game"feature on this page every month...

...will come in pine, marigold, and 'special' scents...

...for Doc Fitzgerald last fall, and her husband is now the U.S...

...How many times has your evening, or the evening of someone close to you, ended in ruin because of embarrassing—and let's call it exactly what it is—ear odor...

...Now, however, with the introduction of Doc Fitzgerald's Digit-offit...

...Doc Fitzgerald's research chemists have predicted that a new era of worry-free close aural proximity is about to dawn, and who is prepared to doubt it...

...Doc Fitzgerald's new anti-sleepfulness tablet, Mornin' Y'alU, not only counteracts the potent but vitally necessary effects of Nightly-Sleep-tightly, but also serves as a reliable substitute for your first three cups of black coffee, an eight-minute cold shower, and the uninterrupted viewing of a six-minute interview with Hubert Humphrey on 'The CBS Morning News.' "Just pop a Mornin' Y'all...