End Game: Heartfelt
Lipez, Richard
END GAME Heartfelt RICHARD LIPEZ Hi, neighbor! Say, it's that time of year again, isn't it? And down here at your electric company the holiday spirit is as thick as well, as thick as Yorkshire...
...With a little twist of his electric leisure suit current regulator, that guy you're so cuckoo about can just kiss his worries good-bye for up to a month...
...The price range on electric children begins at $1695.50, an extremely low figure when you consider that maintenance costs are practically nil, hardly the case with your traditional non-electric "kid...
...Priced at a pocketbook-pleasing $29.95, this compact trouble saver means no more horribly charred marshmallows at your house, or at the house of a toasted marshmallow-loving relative or valued friend...
...The S-M toaster does it all, and its happy owner has the whole day free for LEISURE LIVING...
...So much, then, for good of Mom and Pop, now howzabout those young marriedsl Well, neighbors, not to worry...
...Today's Homemaker produces a scrumptious steamy marshmallow toasted to PURR-fection...
...Well, hardly...
...And that's not all...
...Perhaps, for example, you've seen the numerous TV ads for the electrical appliance industry's marvelous new SLOW MARSHMALLOW TOASTER...
...Get it from US, use it for LIVING...
...One answer to that age-old question has Richard Lipez, a columnist for the Amherst Record in Massachusetts, contributes the "EndGame"feature on this page every month...
...Now, that's something thoughtful for the gals, but how about of hubby...
...The spirit of Judaeo-Christian-Moslem generosity that infects us all at this time of year can, we hardly need remind you, best be expressed with a gift that spells convenience, attractiveness, progress, and POWER...
...Your electric company keeps a sharp eye on national trends and shifting consumer demands and, yes, this holiday season, for the first time ever, we're just "bursting with pride" as we introduce the very first ELECTRIC CHILD...
...And down here at your electric company the holiday spirit is as thick as well, as thick as Yorkshire pudding fresh from a shiny new micro-wave oven...
...Perhaps there is just such a nice young couple on your gift list who would remain ever-grateful for the deeply personal but wonderfully practical gift of an ALL-ELECTRIC CHILD...
...No fuss, no muss, easy to clean, the all-new electric child comes in black, white, brown, yellow, or red (some families will want to mix 'n' match 'em, and some won't), and in male, female, or "non-specific" sex...
...The all-new electric leisure suit comes in nine high-fashion shades of brown, and prices start at a low $179.95 (which includes a year's supply of special lint brushes, though not the optional extra-long extension cord or adapter plug for car cigarette lighters...
...Legislation has been introduced that would eliminate the current bias in the tax laws against all-electric parents and your electric company urges you to let your Congressman know how you feel about this todayl) Friends, it is our heartfelt wish that you will be present at that magical moment when a recipient of an electric child rips open the gaily decorated carton and hears for the first time a warm, loving voice utter the words that your electric company wishes in all sincerity to utter to you now: "Seasons greetings, (appropriate name...
...Bet you thought we were going ito say "thick as thieves," ha ha...
...Gosh, kids can be a bit of a bother, right...
...got to be the electrical appliance industry's remarkable new ELECTRIC LEISURE SUIT...
...Designed by Yves of Schenectady in association with your electric company, this chic new convenience garment will keep that special guy of yours, or someone's, comfy, weatherproof, sprightly, sparkly, mighty spiffy to look at and absolutely free of depression and anxiety...
...Anyway, friends, now that that nettlesome so-called energy crisis is over and done with and your electric company has "oil to burn," to put it humorously we are prepared once again to assist you in the selection of PRESTIGE GIFTS FOR ELECTRIC GIVING this cheery holiday season...
...Many young Americans, quite understandably, are choosing to forego the inconvenience and messiness of time-consuming "old-fashioned children...
...All models, no matter which color, are guaranteed to be obedient, trustworthy, undemanding, even-tempered, quiet, always brief and to the point, stain-resistant, durable, and cuddly...
...And yet, some of these young folks kind of miss the occasional fun of a cute, perky, huggable little kiddo around the house...
...Just poke a marshmallow onto the handy removable spit in the morning, stick it back into the S-M toaster, press the "slow toast" button and Presto!just as the kids arrive home from school howling for an afternoon snack, Ms...
...Hopping around making grown-ups jittery, or getting the car seat all sticky, leaving unsightly articles of underclothing alongside the bathroom sink, acting ungrateful when you offer them a Fig Newton instead of an Oreo, making demands on your valuable leisure time, acting let's face it DEPENDENT...
...A larger three-marshmallow slow toaster is also available for under $60...
Vol. 40 • December 1976 • No. 12
