THE RELUCTANT VOYAGER
Serwer, Arnold
The Reluctant Voyager by ARNOLD SERWER T^en days from this writing my wife A and I will be "winging," as the travel folders put it, to Europe. It will be our first trip abroad. So many millions of...
...She was puzzled...
...What's the bad news from Amsterdam...
...It also makes you the target for advice from well-meaning friends, casual acquaintances, or even total strangers...
...I asked...
...Stay out of Paris," he warned...
...You're being absurd...
...What could I do but go with her...
...When he came perilously close and again asked "Loov...
...when a man came by, looked her over, and in broken English proposed that she join the doxies who were working for him...
...Loov...
...It's riskier than ever before...
...What about the drinking water...
...it dawned on her that his objective was not the Louvre, but to bring her early to bed...
...It is like admitting one has three toes, or is a bigamist...
...I was appalled...
...she said...
...I haven't really changed my mind one bit about the trip as originally planned...
...Put these sinister notations together with a couple of experiences recently related to us by our friend Sylvia and you can see why I tried, just the other day, to convince my wife that we should skip Paris and go to Zermatt instead...
...I can see you haven't gotten to the Fieldings' chapter on Switzerland...
...She's a nice kid and I wouldn't want her to wind up in Tangier...
...But the English currency is maddening," I responded...
...I suppose that takes care of London," my wife said...
...She ran back into her hotel...
...The Fieldings report that Zermatt's sanitation system has been rebuilt since then and the village's drinking water may now be the purest in Switzerland...
...I don't know yet," I said...
...Sylvia was standing in front of a hotel in Paris waiting for her husband when a young Frenchman sidled up to her...
...Besides, why don't the British send troops to help us in Vietnam...
...What were my wife and I getting into...
...In spite of my entreaties that Paris was too dangerous, my wife refused to accept Zermatt as a substitute...
...How do you feel about Rome...
...Somebody will tell me something that will queer Amsterdam for us...
...he asked again...
...So many millions of Americans have gone to Europe that confessing to others that this will be a new experience for us has not been easy...
...Loov...
...A man who was standing next to me shook his head sadly...
...I don't know where it is," Sylvia replied...
...I decided we would not make a move until we read Fielding's Travel Guide to Europe...
...A friend had told me that the book by the Fieldings, a man and wife team of travel experts, was the most reliable guide to be found...
...But then, can you trust the gendarmes...
...Taxes, steeper than Mont Blanc, contribute materially to this psychology . . . the police wink at corrupt practices out of sympathy for the owners...
...They'll steal you blind...
...Listen to this from the Fieldings: "Most Parisian cabaret operators are downright vicious toward the suckers who keep them alive...
...It raises eyebrows...
...I bought the 1967 edition and my spouse and I took turns reading it...
...no punch-pullers, the Fieldings...
...Paris, London, Amsterdam, Rome, and Geneva," I said...
...The views from Zermatt are breathtaking," I argued...
...Believe me, as one who hasn't any French friends, tough or otherwise, I won't set foot in Montmartre at night...
...Some cabbies in this district cannot be trusted . . . exercise utmost caution on the 'joint' circuit, which is not only a fiscal chopping block but can now be physically dangerous as well...
...I might venture there during the day, accompanied by a platoon of gendarmes...
...ft's all right now...
...The London Bobbies are helpful to Americans," my wife said, attempting to divert me...
...Let's skip France and Switzerland," I said nervously...
...What about it...
...I think it was the Mafia...
...For example, when I first dropped into a travel agency to pick up some brochures the lady at the counter asked where we planned to go...
...That's where they tried to steal my passport...
...The stranger left and so did I, somewhat shaken...
...My wife tried to soothe me...
...They don't pull any punches," my friend said...
...I know an ultimatum when I hear one...
...She raced to the safety of a nearby shop...
...They have a startling change of pace...
...On a trip to Paris a few years later, Sylvia was waiting for her husband again (what was he up to...
...It's worse than the Italian monetary system...
...A man told me they tried to steal his passport in Rome...
...They say that for sixteen years they considered Zermatt the number one resort of Switzerland—until the typhoid epidemic...
...Queer it for you, but not for me," my wife said firmly...
...They don't like Americans...
...First they waltz you around a bit, making you feel good about the wonderful things to see, or do, or buy in Paris, Rome, Zermatt, or wherever...
...Just when they have you entranced with descriptions of the beauty of Paris, for instance, they jolt you with omens of evil: "Don't wander into Montmartre," they advise, "unless you are with French friends, preferably tough French friends...
...he said tentatively...
...Sylvia is convinced that had she been less fleet of foot she might now be in white slavery in Tangier, instead of serving as president of the Hortense Bagley High School PTA...
...That leaves only Rome, Amsterdam, and London...
...Worse than Paris," he said...
...Garabinieri, Mafia, what's the difference...
...In fact, let's forget about Rome," I said...
...I am going to Paris, London, Amsterdam, Rome, and Geneva—with or without you...
...It is strong stuff...
...It was probably the Garabinieri checking his passport...
Vol. 31 • June 1967 • No. 6
